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So I have an online friend I met on FB about 2 years ago- we have been good friends, chatted a lot, etc... I had developed a crush on him, but suppressed it because it seemed silly and unrealistic. 4 months ago he admitted he had the same feelings, and we've been more involved since.
He lives in England UK, I'm in USA, Pacific coast. 8 hour time difference.
He's also 11 years younger than me. I am divorced, was married 8 years to another American in an abusive marriage & have never dated someone younger.
Last week he said he loved me- I wasn't sure what to make of it but I thought I'd felt them same.
For the last 3 months he was thinking to visit me this Fall, but last week said it most likely won't be till after Christmas. This makes me wonder if he's serious. (a different English friend of mine who is my age said that is the British was of 'saying goodbye', yet my love interest still texts every day, sends photos, etc...) Yet this year he has trips- Rome, Prague, and two other cities before years end. Europeans travel a lot so it makes sense to me if he would have to postpone visiting here with such a full calendar.
His friend (in UK), who has known him for 7 years, befriended me on FB and we've chatted a lot over the last few weeks (he's a gay dude, so nothing untoward there). His friend said that my love interest is 'not ready', 'just a kid', 'has his head in the clouds', 'will never understand' and 'is slightly aspergery'.
Moreover, my love interest suffers with severe depression and does not get treatment. He will say the darkest ****, like he wants to die. I try everything possible to make him feel better, but he'll fall asleep without following up, leaving me in a worried state. And next day, he acts as if the ordeals from the previous night never happened/ doesn't follow up. He also demonstrates a blunt effect- when I share with him unfortunate stories of my past, he responds dismissively.
I have mental problems of my own (PTSD, depression and anxiety), but I see a psychiatrist, take my meds religiously, and worked hard in therapy for many years. It is possible to get better and function alright.
My best friend is a Dane who knows and does not like my British love interest, and claims 'you can do much better'. But I don't like the idea of that selfish sort of 'the grass is greener' outlook which leads to so much drama and pain and loneliness. It's extremely hard/ impossible for folks with mental injuries to find loving and loyal partners. Everyone has problems, and to pretend we don't is absurd.
A few Q's:
1) is this love interest worth pursuing still ?
2) Is this age difference too much ?
3) Is he serious & should I continue to entertain the notion of us being a potential couple ?
4) What to make of his friends comments, and my friends comments?
Probably the most important question was the one you didn't ask...how to deal with the mental health problems or whether you even can. Unless they are being addressed the other questions on your list may not matter.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-16-2019 at 02:40 AM..
I think I could deal with this better if we were in person. But, how do I bring up his depression without offending him? (I have found men especially are adverse to the idea of seeking mental health help, but European men are 100x worse than Americans). It took me months of nagging to get my Danish friend to see a psych, and he gave it up after just 2 months...
My Brit has access to medical care (British NHS)... but he seems to rely on 'Buddhist retreats', meditation and alcohol when he clearly has more than simple acute depression. He says he's 'bored' all the time, unless he's on vacation somewhere...it's deeply clinical depression, not circumstantial or result of trauma or injury.
Is this a better thing to post in the psychology section? I have my own issues but have them well under control.
I think I could deal with this better if we were in person. But, how do I bring up his depression without offending him? (I have found men especially are adverse to the idea of seeking mental health help, but European men are 100x worse than Americans). It took me months of nagging to get my Danish friend to see a psych, and he gave it up after just 2 months...
My Brit has access to medical care (British NHS)... but he seems to rely on 'Buddhist retreats', meditation and alcohol when he clearly has more than simple acute depression. He says he's 'bored' all the time, unless he's on vacation somewhere...it's deeply clinical depression, not circumstantial or result of trauma or injury.
Is this a better thing to post in the psychology section? I have my own issues but have them well under control.
This is probably best to discuss with your own therapist.
This pen pal situation could easily go on for years.
You need to heed the friend who’s met him and knows him better than you do and gently remove yourself from this situation. It’s NOT realistic, and the burden of worrying about him could actually be dangerous for your own mental health.
So what’s up with your interest in someone who is distant, depressed, and 100% unavailable? This is all an excuse not to have a normal, healthy relationship in real life.
Last week he said he loved me- I wasn't sure what to make of it but I thought I'd felt them same.
For the last 3 months he was thinking to visit me this Fall, but last week said it most likely won't be till after Christmas. This makes me wonder if he's serious. (a different English friend of mine who is my age said that is the British was of 'saying goodbye', yet my love interest still texts every day, sends photos, etc...)
I misread this so hard, I read; "he was thinking to visit me in Jail"
To your dilemma about him I would say pass and find someone closer.
I think if you like him, you should keep pursuing him. Only you know.
I'm not a big believer in letting age limit you. But that's just me. If you're uncomfortable with the age difference, then that's how you feel and that's okay.
He may or may not be serious. We can't tell you that. I don't see any reason to believe he's not serious, however. It's reasonable that making it to California to visit you would be a struggle. I'm in a low-key version of a similar situation right now. Kinda have developed a connection with a cute nice guy from the UK too. Not a romantic one really as I just don't open up that way very easily. But he's someone I'd probably visit and hang out with if the flights between LA and the UK weren't so costly.
I'd listen to your friend's concerns but also take them with a grain of salt. I've found that guy friends are not the best judges of character of the men we date, at least for me. Most of my guy friends are like protective brothers and pretty much never think anyone is good enough for me.
Quote:
Moreover, my love interest suffers with severe depression and does not get treatment. He will say the darkest ****, like he wants to die. I try everything possible to make him feel better, but he'll fall asleep without following up, leaving me in a worried state. And next day, he acts as if the ordeals from the previous night never happened/ doesn't follow up. He also demonstrates a blunt effect- when I share with him unfortunate stories of my past, he responds dismissively.
That's the biggest red flag out of anything you said. The threatening suicide and then falling asleep and leaving you to worry is a HUGE bad sign. I've experienced this with people before and they all ended up having narcissistic personality traits. Be careful. If it happens once that's understandable but if this is a pattern you're seeing, watch out. I've found this is usually attention-seeking behavior where they sort of like that you worried all night about them. It's either being done purposefully to get attention (they wake up the next day and see a million worried messages from you) OR they're simply so thoughtless and self-centered they don't care about putting you through that.
So, I'd probably still move ahead but with great caution and only after letting him know the above described behavior is not acceptable.
This pen pal situation could easily go on for years.
You need to heed the friend who’s met him and knows him better than you do and gently remove yourself from this situation. It’s NOT realistic, and the burden of worrying about him could actually be dangerous for your own mental health.
Exactly. OP- don’t take on a project. You don’t have the resources available to fix this person. If you really must be in a relationship right now, find someone who is able to support your efforts in mental health, not add to your burden.
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Probably the most important question was the one you didn't ask...how to deal with the mental health problems or whether you even can. Unless they are being addressed the other questions on your list may not matter.
hahaha.
