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I never posted on this before anywhere. Where is other post?
"How should I move forward?" (closed thread)
A man who is not kind to restaurant staff isn't a man who's worth a hundred-mile trip or much of an emotional investment on your part. I think that you should kick both men to the curb and take some time out to be with yourself for a bit as neither man seems to be a good fit for your wants and needs.
Also, some of your red flags items read as downright petty. I get that you're not compatible with this man and that a man who lives like a slob and neglects basic home maintenance isn't exactly a catch, but picking on a man because he shops at TJ Maxx and grows his own food? Those two things are not red flags to most people.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 06-17-2019 at 10:13 AM..
I think it's interesting, that no one else picked up on his reaction to the OP turning down an offer for a fast-food snack, telling her she's probably a closet eater. I think that reveals a lot about how he relates to others, or to women. It's condescending, judgmental and demeaning. It's also an odd conclusion to draw. It might even indicate some defensiveness in response to the OP's simple "no, thank you", as if he has issues around food or reads things into simple interactions that aren't there, like when an alcoholic gets defensive if someone turns down a drink.
OP, is this the way you want to be treated? It didn't sound like it, in your OP. Why would you go back for more of that?
I also wonder if his vegetable garden is another way to save money. He may be an extreme cheapskate, also indicated by the fact that he won't hire a plumber to fix his bathroom. Heaven knows where his money goes. Does he have underage kids hidden around somewhere, that he's supporting? lol
OP, this guy is weird. You can do better.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-17-2019 at 11:04 AM..
I disagree. 100 miles is very sustainable. BUT there are plenty of flags others already mentioned.
Nothing wrong with saving money, especially if he spends it elsewhere (on you, for example). Saving money would not be one of those red flags.
There is nothing the matter with being a bit of a saver within reason. (Who thinks that having and eating the vegetables from a garden is a red flag? I find that to be highly appealing myself.)
A long(er) distance relationship is definitely sustainable, but this guy seems to have more than cons than pros which make the time and gas investments involved in such a relationship not worth their expenditure.
Our O.P. needs to put her own relationship house in order before she monkey-branches onto a new man due to her fear of being alone in her old age.
There is nothing the matter with being a bit of a saver within reason. (Who thinks that having and eating the vegetables from a garden is a red flag? I find that to be highly appealing myself.)
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It wouldn't be a red flag on its own. But in combination with some of the other observations, the multiple signs of extreme cheapness would be.
You have a point about the mileage; why would the OP be driving nearly 2 hrs. each way for this? 4-ish hours of driving, to see a guy who lives in a home-made slum, who insults her when she politely turns down an offer of an after-dinner sandwich?
It wouldn't be a red flag on its own. But in combination with some of the other observations, the multiple signs of extreme cheapness would be.
You have a point about the mileage; why would the OP be driving nearly 2 hrs. each way for this? 4-ish hours of driving, to see a guy who lives in a home-made slum, who insults her when she politely turns down an offer of an after-dinner sandwich?
Hence the "within reason" part. I tend to be frugal overall but darn if I won't open my wallet and let the moths fly out when it comes to necessities and a few luxuries that make life a bit more fun. You only get to take so many trips around the sun, after all. Might as well enjoy it, right?
A man who is so cheap that he fails to do routine maintenance or pay someone else to do so for him? That goes beyond frugality into "penny wise and pound foolish" territory.
Can't help but think this guy is a little bit of an idiot-savant, very bright and skilled at dentistry but on a personal level walks around in a fog ... like wearing a blue and brown sock. Not socially adept (spouting things that offend without realizing it - like about other women nearby, dating in hometown, rude to servers) Maybe his former spouses were stay-at-home and handled the cleaning and repairs, and he doesn't even know how to schedule a plumber or wash sheets and pillowcases ?
My initial reaction about his home was he got divorced-raped and accepted 2nd hand furniture from friends and family. But on second thought maybe he just looks right through the mess without it registering ... the clutter, dirty linens, stacks of mail, all that.
I think it's interesting, that no one else picked up on his reaction to the OP turning down an offer for a fast-food snack, telling her she's probably a closet eater. I think that reveals a lot about how he relates to others, or to women. It's condescending, judgmental and demeaning. It's also an odd conclusion to draw. It might even indicate some defensiveness in response to the OP's simple "no, thank you", as if he has issues around food or reads things into simple interactions that aren't there, like when an alcoholic gets defensive if someone turns down a drink.
I noticed this too, but there were so many other red flags, it didn't make it onto my long list of stuff that seemed weird!
Not a red flag
The vegetable garden. That's actually pretty cool. Vacuum packing... I'm not exactly sure what's so strange about that.
Dental practice.
TJ Maxx shopping
Regular contact and willingness to come
Iffy (need more context)
Talking... I'm not sure what you mean by he doesn't let you talk. There are people who talk way too much and don't give others a breather. Harmless but easy to remedy with patience. Or is he interrupting you and leading the conversation?
Siblings. Who knows, maybe they are crazy.
Politics. There are some people who would label centrists as being far right so kinda hard to comment.
Kids/g-kids... It's good he has pride. Maybe too early to meet. But he talks about them too much? Depends on your comfort and if other subjects are brought up enough.
Ratty furniture. I don't know. Maybe he's just doesn't spend much time at home? But he should definitely be doing better on upkeep.
No Bueno
Brain surgery girl... Hmm I'm not sure what to make of that. Adding the mention he's got lots of local options and that he's picky just makes it sound really strange.
Comments of appearances. A solid heck no.
Closet eater. He was thoughtless enough about your schedule, which could've been forgivable. Add in the closet eater comment is just... No.
Biggest red flag... The restaurant unkindness unfortunately never a good sign.
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