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OP, please tell the full story so we can offer help.
At this point, however, the problem has gone on so long that it's become pathological with the two of you. You will need professional help if you want to change now.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 06-20-2019 at 01:07 PM..
Reason: Orphaned.
She is certainly alpha and it does seem she got tired of his beta since she was the one to "start it".
"The word "sex" was making her angry and upset. Then I gave up trying."
It's unacceptable not to have sex (unless both sides don't want it) so when this happened, your job as the man is find a resolution, you can't just give up. Giving up is beta.
The issue is not about sex. I'll tell you what it is about. You stopped, or never did enough, to understand her feelings. Feelings on what? Whatever is bothering her. When a women stops doing something she likes, is because of her feelings. Woman make decisions based on their feelings. And feelings can change almost at any time. And they can have multiple feelings at once.
What's bothering her? Maybe one big thing. Or maybe several. And probably for a long time. Had you been in CLOSE touch with her feelings you would have found something bothering her and when you do, it MUST be talked about. Otherwise that feeling in her will stay. Finally that feeling will cause her to react. If it comes as a surprise means you where not in touch with her feelings. Your #1 duty as the man in the relationship is staying in touch with her feelings. This means listening to her and not trying to fix her feelings but acknowledging them as important to you.
Anything could have been bothering her, and it could be something that developed slowly, such as a change in the way she sees you. What was acceptable or attractive before, is not now, even though you didn't change. It could be a change in her about how she feels about you. For example if she was ok being alpha in romance, now she isn't. It's why talking about "sex" makes her upset. One, she feels she shouldn't have to talk about it, and two, it hurts her to tell you because she loves you.
But I'm sure she was getting upset over time and you didn't know (because you weren't in touch with her about her feelings) and I bet she dropped hints that you didn't pick up on.
With sex your partner often does what they wish would happen to them. She was assertive and took the lead. I bet she wanted that back, and often. This is something that talking would have brought up. And if so, would have meant that you had work to do to become a better lover.
If you want to fix this it has to be talked about to find out what's bothering her. All feelings have to come out. Looks too deep now for you two to handle this so you'll need counseling.
If she does finally talk you have to accept what she says and I highly suspect it will not be just about sexual assertiveness. She will be unhappy in some other beta behavior of yours. You will have personal growth work to do to fix this. Hope the best.
I think it'd be more to the point to ask what HE gets from it. What makes him stay? Apparently she brow-beats him, he gets no sex...but something has made him stay for 7 years. What is it?
Maybe commitment to marriage? I know it is a strange concept for many...
I think it'd be more to the point to ask what HE gets from it. What makes him stay? Apparently she brow-beats him, he gets no sex...but something has made him stay for 7 years. What is it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DefiantNJ
Maybe commitment to marriage? I know it is a strange concept for many...
So you think there's nobility in being a celibate doormat? That is a strange concept indeed.
So you think there's nobility in being a celibate doormat? That is a strange concept indeed.
Well, I made a general statement. I think there might be nobility in staying married but not able to have sex for good reasons. For example, if one's spouse is not able to have sex for heath reasons, after difficult pregnancy & child birth, unforeseen health problems, etc... Usually that happens after year of having sex and conceiving kids...
In the case of the OP, none of these factors apply. His SO is not communicating with him about her lack of desire to have sex. They don't have kids and are not legally married. So I don't think it makes sense for him to continue this strange relationship.
I can see by many answers that luckily ya'll never been in that situation, it isn't as easy as sitting down and talking about it in many cases because the other person doesn't speak the truth. You have nothing to work with if there is no truth spoken.
There are no hints dropped. There isn't a real clear statement. The answers you may get if you ask is "not today" "I am tired" "I want to watch that movie." "don't be silly." "how can you think of sex now that it ... (rains, is late, show is on, pet died.....):. THERE IS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE and then months, years go by. And if you get more pushy, you get anger back and nothing else.
And for all who keep pointing out the marriage - they aren't married, he just uses the word "married" he can leave at any time.
I find it horribly selfish of her to demand that he has to stay sexless forever. I have no patience for healthy people who are all into sex and then suddenly drop it for no reason or don't speak up and just expect the other person never wants sex again either. That wasn't the deal and it's cruel and unfair.
I find it horribly selfish of her to demand that he has to stay sexless forever. I have no patience for healthy people who are all into sex and then suddenly drop it for no reason or don't speak up and just expect the other person never wants sex again either. That wasn't the deal and it's cruel and unfair.
I agree with you- and this is true of ANY time a marriage deteriorates suddenly and one person just won't work with the other to resolve it. Been there, done that with a first husband who was a brick wall on his excessive drinking and his verbal abuse. At some point you just back down to keep the peace or, as in my case, eventually get the heck out.
I agree with you- and this is true of ANY time a marriage deteriorates suddenly and one person just won't work with the other to resolve it. Been there, done that with a first husband who was a brick wall on his excessive drinking and his verbal abuse. At some point you just back down to keep the peace or, as in my case, eventually get the heck out.
Sorry you had to go through that. But I think the unexplained sexlessness (is this a word?) is a different story because he is left in the dark and has no clue what is going on.
You knew your guy was an abusive drinker, it's not a secret. Not trying to downplay it, just different.
I can see by many answers that luckily ya'll never been in that situation, it isn't as easy as sitting down and talking about it in many cases because the other person doesn't speak the truth. You have nothing to work with if there is no truth spoken.
There are no hints dropped. There isn't a real clear statement. The answers you may get if you ask is "not today" "I am tired" "I want to watch that movie." "don't be silly." "how can you think of sex now that it ... (rains, is late, show is on, pet died.....):. THERE IS ALWAYS AN EXCUSE and then months, years go by. And if you get more pushy, you get anger back and nothing else.
And for all who keep pointing out the marriage - they aren't married, he just uses the word "married" he can leave at any time.
I find it horribly selfish of her to demand that he has to stay sexless forever. I have no patience for healthy people who are all into sex and then suddenly drop it for no reason or don't speak up and just expect the other person never wants sex again either. That wasn't the deal and it's cruel and unfair.
I tend to agree. But it sounds like his attempts at communicating are shut down and he's just rolling over and taking it. Until he's assertive in his communication, he can't honestly say he has really tried.
If he really tries and he gets what you describe (anger), then I would agree that it's time to move on. His needs count too, and while sex isn't everything its clearly something to him.
OP mentioned she was perimenopausal. Hormonal changes can have a huge effect on a woman's sex drive.
It's too bad she doesn't want an open relationship. If I had a nice arrangement with a man I loved but I didn't want to have sex anymore for some reason, I'd let him have a girlfriend on the side. Expecting him to never have sex again is cruel and unrealistic.
If I was you OP, I'd let her know that one of three things must happen.
1. You two start having sex again.
2. You're allowed to see other women for casual flings.
3. Break up.
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