I've been consulting a friend for help with my relationship...and my partner read some of the messages. (wife, girlfriend)
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Thanks BirdieBelle for remembering this poster, so that I could look back at previous posting history.
OP, I have to agree with her. I appreciate you wanting to work hard on your relationship, and to stick with it even in tough times. But after this much time, you should be settling into a comfortable pattern, definitely not perfect but certainly not getting worse. It doesn't seem to be going that way, in spite of your best intentions.
As an aside, if he quit counseling, there's no reason that you have to. That way you could get solid advice and avoid talking about your relationship with a friend or having texts on your phone that could cause issues later.
But it isn't wrong to bounce relationship issues off a friend.
I agree with this.
But OP, it's one thing to get a "second opinion," so to speak, from another party, but it sounds more like you may be using this friend to continually vent about your relationship, which IMHO crosses a boundary.
For the record, just to reiterate, I don't personally feel that bouncing matters of relationship conflict off a third party is categorically a bad idea...sometimes, it is by far the healthiest way to proceed, depending on context. We are all free to share aspects of our relationship with whomever we choose. There are ways of doing so that are respectful and not respectful of one's significant other, though. I would always err on the side of, "How would I feel if this were my partner disclosing this to a friend?" and let that be the guide for how it's broached. But overall, I don't think that a blanket policy of "You don't talk about our relationship to other people" is a healthy approach...especially when one party has already declined direct and guided approaches like couples' counselling.
I do still think that discussing in-depth matters when there are serious relationship conflicts is better served with therapists than friends, both because therapists are neutral third parties and friends are not, therapists don't have established relationships with your SO, and what is said in therapy is 99% of the time held in confidence, ethically, so long as there is no risk of harm.
All three people (OP, partner, OP's friend) are men.
Of course, that doesn't make it simpler, since the partner probably suspects the OP of cheating with the friend. Otherwise, why look at his phone?
Ah. I see.
OP...honestly...it never seemed 'wrong' to you, to confide in this other person? I can understand wanting an outlet. I get that. But surely you saw the possibility of this going sideways?
fluffythewondercat, thank you for the clarification. To answer your question, and Birdiebelle's, no my friend and I do not have an intimate past or present. And while I have never been accused of or asked about that by my partner before either I did spend the night at his house last weekend, so maybe I could see where there might have been a suspicion. (I was in the city visiting another friend I hadn't seen in years, it got late, I missed the last train home, and didn't want anyone having to drive me back at 1 am).
Also fluffy, I understand he can force the sale of the house, but it doesn't seem to my advantage to sign an agreement that gives him all of the proceeds if the house sells at a price that is probably pretty close to market value. I had been advocating for a fairer agreement that pays back proportionate to what we have each put in and doesn't have what I see as some fairly troubling language contained within it.
greatblueheron, I would love to be able to have these sorts of close conversations, and sometimes we are able to achieve it. I do try to take the conversations I have with my friend and turn them into talking points with my partner. The problem usually arises that when we are at odds, he doesn't want to talk to me, and when we are not, I don't want to bring things up that could cause another rift. Our best conversations happen in the process of getting back out of a rut. And anything that isn't said during that time just gets put off.
As for what he read, he only had 3-5 minutes while I was out of the room. In reverse order he would have seen me talking about how last week he was telling me that I had financially ruined him and that he was getting close to bankruptcy and one of the first things he wanted to do after making up with me was to go out and purchase $2400 in custom window shades...and then on the spot want me to pay the deposit. This has been part of an ongoing discussion that part of the reason that we are in the situations that we get into is that there is no coordinated financial or future planning between us. But I wish I hadn't written that and had the discussion with him instead.
And another thing that I shouldn't have said: when he apologized to me, he said that he didn't want to lose me, and that he wanted to make things work, but that something would have to change, with clear indication that I needed to make an adjustment for him to stay. I repeated this to my friend as a sort of "what do I do with that" statement. But we didn't talk much more about it. That's another conversation I really should have had with my partner.
Before that, I had told my friend on Friday that I would be on my own for the night because he was going to a concert that I had just found out about. My friend thought it wasn't fair of him not to invite me and that turned into a discussion. It wasn't really a big deal for me, he can and should have fun, I was just a little frustrated that I was finding this out at 5pm, when it would have caused an upset if I did the same thing. In the argument that followed my partner reading the messages this became more of a big deal than it should have.
And the last thing that I know that he read was us discussing this agreement. I was pointing out all of the problematic texts and what I thought was more fair. My friend was saying I shouldn't even try to modify it and not sign it. And asserted that if he's the one that wants out of the house at a time when it's not beneficial to sell, he should assume the loss. Unfortunately this is another point where my partner read my firend's opinion as mine and is now sure that I am trying to screw him out of his hard earned money. And nothing I have said since has been able to convince him otherwise.
You're "in a relationship", but you bought a house together? That was a mistake. I wonder if he used you to help himself buy a place that he couldn't afford on his own. Live and learn!
Roller-coaster emotions and nasty things being said in anger, on the part of your partner? = sign of major incompatibility. These are huge red flags. Financial issues = another big red flag of incompatibility.
It's not worth it, for this, OP. Not worth sticking with it. You're better off alone. Unfortunately, you've complicated the break-up scenario, by having money invested in a home together. IDK how to work that out; did you contribute to the downpayment? Is there any documentation of that? Whose name is on the deed? Whoever's on the deed holds the cards. You could consult with a lawyer (first consult is often free), and say you have a domestic partnership, and went in on this house together, but in the end, you may end up facing a loss in order to get out of this frankly--abusive situation.
Or not; if you're in a high COL city, you could come out of the sale ok, if your partner doesn't cheat you in the final settlement, which it sounds like he's capable of doing. I'm not seeing signs of loyalty on his part, just saying.
t it doesn't seem to my advantage to sign an agreement that gives him all of the proceeds if the house sells at a price that is probably pretty close to market value. I had been advocating for a fairer agreement that pays back proportionate to what we have each put in and doesn't have what I see as some fairly troubling language contained within it.
greatblueheron, I would love to be able to have these sorts of close conversations, and sometimes we are able to achieve it. I do try to take the conversations I have with my friend and turn them into talking points with my partner. The problem usually arises that when we are at odds, he doesn't want to talk to me, and when we are not, I don't want to bring things up that could cause another rift. Our best conversations happen in the process of getting back out of a rut. And anything that isn't said during that time just gets put off.
As for what he read, he only had 3-5 minutes while I was out of the room. In reverse order he would have seen me talking about how last week he was telling me that I had financially ruined him and that he was getting close to bankruptcy and one of the first things he wanted to do after making up with me was to go out and purchase $2400 in custom window shades...and then on the spot want me to pay the deposit. This has been part of an ongoing discussion that part of the reason that we are in the situations that we get into is that there is no coordinated financial or future planning between us. But I wish I hadn't written that and had the discussion with him instead.
In addition to the house investment issue, now he wants you to cough up for window shades neither of you can afford??
Yeah, he's definitely using you to finance a standard of living he wouldn't be able to afford otherwise, IMO. That's what it sounds like. Also: radically differing money-management styles. This is known to be the kiss of death to many relationships; it's one of the top two reasons for divorce.
You guys are toast as a couple. The question is, how to get out of it without taking a huge financial loss. What RE market are you in, if I may ask? Is this a San Fran Bay Area or Seattle location? If so--you're good, no worries about taking a loss, most likely. But no matter what, you should see a RE lawyer.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 06-24-2019 at 10:16 AM..
Also fluffy, I understand he can force the sale of the house, but it doesn't seem to my advantage to sign an agreement that gives him all of the proceeds if the house sells at a price that is probably pretty close to market value. I had been advocating for a fairer agreement that pays back proportionate to what we have each put in and doesn't have what I see as some fairly troubling language contained within it.
greatblueheron, I would love to be able to have these sorts of close conversations, and sometimes we are able to achieve it. I do try to take the conversations I have with my friend and turn them into talking points with my partner. The problem usually arises that when we are at odds, he doesn't want to talk to me, and when we are not, I don't want to bring things up that could cause another rift. Our best conversations happen in the process of getting back out of a rut. And anything that isn't said during that time just gets put off.
As for what he read, he only had 3-5 minutes while I was out of the room. In reverse order he would have seen me talking about how last week he was telling me that I had financially ruined him and that he was getting close to bankruptcy and one of the first things he wanted to do after making up with me was to go out and purchase $2400 in custom window shades...and then on the spot want me to pay the deposit. This has been part of an ongoing discussion that part of the reason that we are in the situations that we get into is that there is no coordinated financial or future planning between us. But I wish I hadn't written that and had the discussion with him instead.
And another thing that I shouldn't have said: when he apologized to me, he said that he didn't want to lose me, and that he wanted to make things work, but that something would have to change, with clear indication that I needed to make an adjustment for him to stay. I repeated this to my friend as a sort of "what do I do with that" statement. But we didn't talk much more about it. That's another conversation I really should have had with my partner.
Before that, I had told my friend on Friday that I would be on my own for the night because he was going to a concert that I had just found out about. My friend thought it wasn't fair of him not to invite me and that turned into a discussion. It wasn't really a big deal for me, he can and should have fun, I was just a little frustrated that I was finding this out at 5pm, when it would have caused an upset if I did the same thing. In the argument that followed my partner reading the messages this became more of a big deal than it should have.
And the last thing that I know that he read was us discussing this agreement. I was pointing out all of the problematic texts and what I thought was more fair. My friend was saying I shouldn't even try to modify it and not sign it. And asserted that if he's the one that wants out of the house at a time when it's not beneficial to sell, he should assume the loss. Unfortunately this is another point where my partner read my firend's opinion as mine and is now sure that I am trying to screw him out of his hard earned money. And nothing I have said since has been able to convince him otherwise.
Even though I have very little respect for your boyfriend, based on what you've written about him, I can see where it would be mortifying and embarrassing for him to see that you shared not only personal arguments but his financial situation with this friend. You really crossed a line here.
It's like you can't see the forest for the trees here. You're so locked in on the details that you cant understand that this is a huge dumpster fire you need to be getting away from. Not arguing tit for tat.
You should find a real estate attorney who can draw up a contract that will benefit both of you as much as possible to distribute the proceeds from the sale of the house. You're both using the house as a distraction from your crumbled relationship.
Then start planning alternate living arrangements for when the house sale proceeds agreement is finalized.
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