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To keep this short, I've been in a relationship for about 3.5 years now. A little over a year ago things started getting really bumpy. There would still be good times for sure, but especially recently the rough patches have been really rough. I wouldn't say that I have been faultless by any means, but my goal has always been to look for opportunities for happiness for both of us, to make things work, and to keep things moving forward. That gets really tough at our lowest though: the level of anger, negativity, and lack of communication has sometimes felt like trying to move mountains. Back at the end of last year at his request we started going to a therapist together, but after a handful of sessions my partner decided to stop going because he didn't see that they were making a difference.
So around the same time I started confiding in a friend instead. I tried not to complain, but to present what I'm going through and ask advice on how to move forward. Most of the time I was looking for ways to positively respond to some of the ugly things that were said during our fights. I've always found this friend to be pretty level headed and helpful in his responses, and it's not someone my partner usually interacts with (I think they've seen each other maybe 3 or 4 times in the time we've been together) He was having issues with his relationship as well, so we traded advice and support.
Last week was another one of our low points. It started with some financial woes and frustration over peeling paint in an area of our home we had just had redone 6 months prior It escalated when I was presented with an agreement to sign that described how we would split the proceeds from our home if we were to sell. Since we are not married, and could not invest equally in the house, we had discussed doing this at purchase. But the agreement I was presented with only favored him and would leave me nothing if the house sold below a certain price. Then suddenly Friday night his mood changed, as it often does, and he said he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me, and wanted to make things work.
We had a great Saturday and Sunday until he decided to browse through my phone and read my messages while I was out of the room. Unfortunately I had been kind of caught off guard by how quick the situation had changed and had posted a couple not so positive things to my friend after his apology, and that was the first thing he read. But he also apparently read back a few days, and did so quickly enough that he attributed many of the things my friend said (who is often more cynical in the way he puts things than I, to things that I said.
Now he's more angry than ever. saying that he's done with me (as he's said many times before) and that he's shocked to learn what type of person I really am. And I'm left really guilty for having ever talked to my friend, while wanting his help with this more than ever. Was I wrong for discussing the private aspects of our relationship with another? How would you move forward after this if it happened in your relationship?
I have heard my ex bf talking about me through the wall to his friend on the phone (I was in the other room) and my jaw dropped when he imitated my voice in a nasty way and mocked me. I never recovered from that.
I think there is a big difference on HOW you speak about your partner to someone else. I would not have minded if I would have heard my ex complaining but without the nastiness in the voice and choice of words.
And there are boundaries, too, in regards to the topics, voice of tone, and name calling is out of question. I guess for you two it was nothing super personal, it was about finances. I would say most people complain about their partner to friends. To vent or to get an outside perspective. It can actually be very helpful. I oftentimes had my friends put me straight after a dumb fight with a bf.
Anyhow - so what did he read? And WHY did he snoop??? Is he jealous?
To keep this short, I've been in a relationship for about 3.5 years now. A little over a year ago things started getting really bumpy. There would still be good times for sure, but especially recently the rough patches have been really rough. I wouldn't say that I have been faultless by any means, but my goal has always been to look for opportunities for happiness for both of us, to make things work, and to keep things moving forward. That gets really tough at our lowest though: the level of anger, negativity, and lack of communication has sometimes felt like trying to move mountains. Back at the end of last year at his request we started going to a therapist together, but after a handful of sessions my partner decided to stop going because he didn't see that they were making a difference.
So around the same time I started confiding in a friend instead. I tried not to complain, but to present what I'm going through and ask advice on how to move forward. Most of the time I was looking for ways to positively respond to some of the ugly things that were said during our fights. I've always found this friend to be pretty level headed and helpful in his responses, and it's not someone my partner usually interacts with (I think they've seen each other maybe 3 or 4 times in the time we've been together) He was having issues with his relationship as well, so we traded advice and support.
Last week was another one of our low points. It started with some financial woes and frustration over peeling paint in an area of our home we had just had redone 6 months prior It escalated when I was presented with an agreement to sign that described how we would split the proceeds from our home if we were to sell. Since we are not married, and could not invest equally in the house, we had discussed doing this at purchase. But the agreement I was presented with only favored him and would leave me nothing if the house sold below a certain price. Then suddenly Friday night his mood changed, as it often does, and he said he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me, and wanted to make things work.
We had a great Saturday and Sunday until he decided to browse through my phone and read my messages while I was out of the room. Unfortunately I had been kind of caught off guard by how quick the situation had changed and had posted a couple not so positive things to my friend after his apology, and that was the first thing he read. But he also apparently read back a few days, and did so quickly enough that he attributed many of the things my friend said (who is often more cynical in the way he puts things than I, to things that I said.
Now he's more angry than ever. saying that he's done with me (as he's said many times before) and that he's shocked to learn what type of person I really am. And I'm left really guilty for having ever talked to my friend, while wanting his help with this more than ever. Was I wrong for discussing the private aspects of our relationship with another? How would you move forward after this if it happened in your relationship?
It doesn't matter if we think you were wrong. Your boyfriend probably thinks so, which is what matters.
My advice is the same as the last thread you posted about him. Life is too short to be miserable.
You two have passed your expiration date and now can only hurt each other. You should have left long ago, but you definitely should have left when he stopped going to counseling.
Face reality, and take a step forward for yourself. Why are you trapping yourself in this mess???
I'd explain that the relationship is so important to you that you asked for input....but that you made a mistake and should have discussed with your partner instead.
When having troubles, turn TOWARDS your partner, not away from, to resolve issues...
Last week was another one of our low points. It started with some financial woes and frustration over peeling paint in an area of our home we had just had redone 6 months prior It escalated when I was presented with an agreement to sign that described how we would split the proceeds from our home if we were to sell. Since we are not married, and could not invest equally in the house, we had discussed doing this at purchase. But the agreement I was presented with only favored him and would leave me nothing if the house sold below a certain price.
Your partner can sell the house without your agreement or signature. He can go before a judge and ask for a partition action. So I strongly suggest you stop playing these games, sit down with your partner and figure out how to end this relationship in an orderly manner that includes a financial settlement.
If someone tells you repeatedly they're done, I would take that person at their word and move on.
It seems to me like you have significant issues in your relationship, and if you cannot discuss them productively with your partner, that is a red flag, and if your partner isn't willing to do some kind of counseling with you, that is another one, and if your partner is snooping in your phone, that is yet another.
Talks about the end have already happened. The writing is on the wall.
My boyfriend and I both understand that sometimes a person needs to process, and that each of us has a right to privacy. The ways that we respect that, is that if one of us has shared something that we do not want passed on to anyone, then it is required to say so. "I'm telling you this in confidence" is enough. Otherwise, it is not ASSUMED that every word or action in our home is a state secret. We don't snoop into conversations that we have with our friends, as our friends are our support networks to process stressful things. Yet we seek and find ways to communicate important stuff to one another, we have productive conversations and we feel safe talking to each other. So the NEED to confide in outside support is not huge...as for instance it was with my ex, where I knew that raising a concern with him would only start a fight and he didn't really care how I felt about stuff.
There are many kinds of trust... Trust that partners will be faithful to one another per the terms and understandings of the relationship. Trust that people are not trashing one another in unkind ways behind one another's backs. Trust that there is no need to monitor a partner's private correspondence with others. Trust to be communicative and honest with your partner about issues. Trust that your partner can hear it and work with you, not be hurtful or dismissive, angry or sarcastic, when you need them to be loving and to hear you. All sorts of trust. And when it gets compromised, then it's very hard to come back from that to a healthy place. Often impossible. You can go forward, but you go forward with walls built that prevent real intimacy, and it's usually just a postponement of the end of the relationship.
To keep this short, I've been in a relationship for about 3.5 years now. A little over a year ago things started getting really bumpy. There would still be good times for sure, but especially recently the rough patches have been really rough. I wouldn't say that I have been faultless by any means, but my goal has always been to look for opportunities for happiness for both of us, to make things work, and to keep things moving forward. That gets really tough at our lowest though: the level of anger, negativity, and lack of communication has sometimes felt like trying to move mountains. Back at the end of last year at his request we started going to a therapist together, but after a handful of sessions my partner decided to stop going because he didn't see that they were making a difference.
So around the same time I started confiding in a friend instead. I tried not to complain, but to present what I'm going through and ask advice on how to move forward. Most of the time I was looking for ways to positively respond to some of the ugly things that were said during our fights. I've always found this friend to be pretty level headed and helpful in his responses, and it's not someone my partner usually interacts with (I think they've seen each other maybe 3 or 4 times in the time we've been together) He was having issues with his relationship as well, so we traded advice and support.
Last week was another one of our low points. It started with some financial woes and frustration over peeling paint in an area of our home we had just had redone 6 months prior It escalated when I was presented with an agreement to sign that described how we would split the proceeds from our home if we were to sell. Since we are not married, and could not invest equally in the house, we had discussed doing this at purchase. But the agreement I was presented with only favored him and would leave me nothing if the house sold below a certain price. Then suddenly Friday night his mood changed, as it often does, and he said he was sorry, that he didn't want to lose me, and wanted to make things work.
We had a great Saturday and Sunday until he decided to browse through my phone and read my messages while I was out of the room. Unfortunately I had been kind of caught off guard by how quick the situation had changed and had posted a couple not so positive things to my friend after his apology, and that was the first thing he read. But he also apparently read back a few days, and did so quickly enough that he attributed many of the things my friend said (who is often more cynical in the way he puts things than I, to things that I said.
Now he's more angry than ever. saying that he's done with me (as he's said many times before) and that he's shocked to learn what type of person I really am. And I'm left really guilty for having ever talked to my friend, while wanting his help with this more than ever. Was I wrong for discussing the private aspects of our relationship with another? How would you move forward after this if it happened in your relationship?
This sounds to me like your partner is mentally/emotionally one foot out the door, and is looking for justifications to engage in conflict and ultimately end things, or at least talk about ending things. Notable things to this end to me would be:
-The checking out of couples therapy...people who want to save relationships are usually the ones who are open to therapy and willing to work at it. People who bow out are usually already decided that there isn't anything salvageable and aren't actually investing in the outcome, themselves. It's interesting that it was at his request, though, because usually the one who throws on the breaks is the one doing it at their partner's request.
- The anger at having a friend as a confidant seems disproportionate and misguided. On the surface, it's not uncommon for there to be a sense of betrayal if someone feels private things have been aired with a third party, but if someone has discontinued therapy, it can't really be surprising if their partner finds another outlet for feedback. It is up to you who you share your experience of your relationship with. A therapist might be a better bet, simply because there is confidentiality, and no paper trail of what it discussed that a partner has access to...it's a safe space. But it isn't wrong to bounce relationship issues off a friend. Most people do that at one point or another. Your partner has been uncooperative about your going through more direct channels with him. The general rule of thumb is to communicate directly, but that hasn't worked for you, even with a therapeutic guide, which speaks to resistance.
-The conflict surrounding the finances/the house makes it seem very much like there is a one-foot-out-the-door contingency in place in your partner's head.
-He's continually bringing up being done, even if he walks it back.
The back and forth on things are okay, things aren't okay seems either consciously manipulative, or like your partner might be struggling with mood issues...is there any indication of the latter?
I haven't read your previous posts or relationship history, but is it possible that there is a jealousy element in you talking to another man, specifically, about relationship woes? Based on your username, I'm assuming same-sex relationship.
At any rate, if somebody is continuously threatening the demise of a relationship, they're either already in that headspace, or they've identified it as a foolproof tool to use to manipulate and control, if they don't actually plan to end the relationship. Neither is a good thing, relationship health-wise.
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