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based on what you've written, your thought process hasn't improved much since the last times you've posted. Do you talk to your therapist about how you are ruminating about her?
Well this explains some of it.
Remembering these benchmarks makes you reminisce. This is one reason they say time heals wounds like this. When you've gone beyond these benchmarks when you had made plans together, things will get better.
We talked about this ad nauseam in your last thread. You are not seeing reality. Your mind is still carrying on the relationship with the fantasy you obsessed over.
You need to work more with your therapist on your sense of self worth. Your ego should have carried you beyond this point by now.
I
I think the reason it's so hard for me to accept any of the above is partly because I know she's had several long term relationships in the past although they were throughout high school and the most serious/recent was 3 years in college in which she lived with the guy for a year. I guess in my mind that proves she's capable of maintaining a serious relationship and must have learned how to communicate effectively within one in order for them to last as long as they did. And yes I wasn't there so I don't know the quality of these relationships but they all lasted several years, and she's still friends/friendly with all of her exes and even basically best friends with her ex from college so that leads me to think things were likely of pretty good quality...
This makes me feel like she wasn't invested enough/didn't love me enough to want to talk about whatever it was that wasn't working for her which just feels ****ty and makes me question why didn't she love me enough.
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Those were completely different people than you, that she had live-in relationships with. Their personalities were a better match (only up to a point, because the relationships didn't last, anyway). You can't make yourself into another person. What I imagine, is that she *clicks* with guys who are highly creative, spontaneous types. Some might say, "hippy-dippy" types. A completely different type than you. That doesn't make you "wrong"; only not a good match for her. Different strokes for different folks, OP. You're just not her kind of stroke. That's life. And what you're not recognizing, is that she's not truly your kind of stroke, either.
It's too bad she kind of lead you along for awhile. But imagine how much worse it would be, to be one of the guys she lived with for a year, and then broke up with. Living with her a year, then losing her, would be like losing an arm and a leg.
Stop beating yourself up over this. You don't deserve to be beat up. You sound like a great guy. You and she weren't cut out for each other, that's all it is. In fact, you probably have no idea how much of a bad fit she is for you, because you were only with her a short time. And during that time, she did some hurtful things. Don't minimize that side of her. I don't think she magically changed; I think that side is still there. You keep minimizing it, but the fact is, you don't have a realistic perspective of the whole package that is her.
How does your therapist suggest you get over this? You might ask her (or him), if s/he has any suggestions for doing some grief work, to get this out of your system. You're stuck in a grieving phase, and need a boost to get through and past this.
Exactly. You're obsessing over a fantasy, OP. The woman in your head is not who she really is.
What part is fantasy? The part where she’s mature/available/whatever it is and communicates to me the issues she was having?
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC
Move on. I would have thought a young girl wrote this with all the false, romantic yearning. You're making this a huge deal & wasting time.
I understand the way I wrote it was a bit dramatic and emotional. I was kind of using this as a way to vent. I don’t feel this down most of the time but was having a bit of a bad day. Needed to just get my thoughts and feelings out there as they came to me.
It would be so much easier to swallow if there were some egregious act or repetitive fights that happened that I could point to and say yup this clearly wasn’t working and can’t work.
I don’t know why I feel like I can’t find somebody better. Maybe it’s because it took me so long to find this...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Those were completely different people than you, that she had live-in relationships with. Their personalities were a better match (only up to a point, because the relationships didn't last, anyway). You can't make yourself into another person. What I imagine, is that she *clicks* with guys who are highly creative, spontaneous types. Some might say, "hippy-dippy" types. A completely different type than you. That doesn't make you "wrong"; only not a good match for her. Different strokes for different folks, OP. You're just not her kind of stroke. That's life. And what you're not recognizing, is that she's not truly your kind of stroke, either.
I’m certainly different to her boyfriend she lived with before me I’m not sure about the others. But she knew the type of person that I was and she still was attracted to me, wanted to commit to me, said being around me and with me made her happy, and claimed to have loved me. Yes I’m definitely not a free spirit but I’m certainly not rigid by any means either. I guess in my mind because I was able to get her by being me, it’s my fault for losing her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Stop beating yourself up over this. You don't deserve to be beat up. You sound like a great guy. You and she weren't cut out for each other, that's all it is. In fact, you probably have no idea how much of a bad fit she is for you, because you were only with her a short time. And during that time, she did some hurtful things. Don't minimize that side of her. I don't think she magically changed; I think that side is still there. You keep minimizing it, but the fact is, you don't have a realistic perspective of the whole package that is her.
How does your therapist suggest you get over this? You might ask her (or him), if s/he has any suggestions for doing some grief work, to get this out of your system. You're stuck in a grieving phase, and need a boost to get through and past this.
Maybe I have a hard time accepting the whole “not cut out for each other” type of thinking because we kept coming back to each other and when we were actually dating, she seemed nothing but happy and we always seemed to be clicking and having a great time. Also probably because of all the dating advice stuff I’ve read that basically makes it seem like as long as you are a confident, self assured, emotionally strong guy, you can get the girl and keep her and the only reasons it wouldn’t work we’re due to mistakes you make as the guy in the relationship.
My therapist has encouraged me to continue with what I’ve been doing. I started Jiu Jitsu, singing lessons, I got a personal trainer at the gym, I’m playing a lot of golf again. She continues to say that my ex wasn’t mentally healthy and that her personality type is the type whose feelings change on a dime, that she can’t settle, all things of that nature.
I don’t know why I feel like I can’t find somebody better. Maybe it’s because it took me so long to find this...
I’m certainly different to her boyfriend she lived with before me I’m not sure about the others. But she knew the type of person that I was and she still was attracted to me, wanted to commit to me, said being around me and with me made her happy, and claimed to have loved me. Yes I’m definitely not a free spirit but I’m certainly not rigid by any means either. I guess in my mind because I was able to get her by being me, it’s my fault for losing her.
Maybe I have a hard time accepting the whole “not cut out for each other” type of thinking because we kept coming back to each other and when we were actually dating, she seemed nothing but happy and we always seemed to be clicking and having a great time. Also probably because of all the dating advice stuff I’ve read that basically makes it seem like as long as you are a confident, self assured, emotionally strong guy, you can get the girl and keep her and the only reasons it wouldn’t work we’re due to mistakes you make as the guy in the relationship.
My therapist has encouraged me to continue with what I’ve been doing. I started Jiu Jitsu, singing lessons, I got a personal trainer at the gym, I’m playing a lot of golf again. She continues to say that my ex wasn’t mentally healthy and that her personality type is the type whose feelings change on a dime, that she can’t settle, all things of that nature.
Finding a good, compatible partner isn't easy for a lot of people, probably most people. Patience is required. You're far from alone in that.
What your ex-gf "seemed" to be, and what she really was, underneath, were two different things, as your therapist has very astutely pointed out. Believe her. You're torturing yourself, remembering the good parts, only. Key word: "seemed". It only "seemed" to be what you thought, OP. That's sad, that she had you floating on an illusion, but that's what it was: an illusion.
It's NOT your fault for losing her! You did nothing wrong! That just proves, that she wasn't a good match for you.
You're torturing yourself, remembering the good parts, only. Key word: "seemed". It only "seemed" to be what you thought, OP. That's sad, that she had you floating on an illusion, but that's what it was: an illusion.
It's NOT your fault for losing her! ... That just proves, that she wasn't a good match for you.
I agree that torturing yourself about why she rejected you is fruitless. It's like crying for 6 months because a size 5 shoe didn't fit your size 11 foot. It's just not a match.
OP, you could have been the best boyfriend you knew how to be and she still would not want to stay with you. It's ok. It happens. We are not meant to be lifelong partners with everyone we date.
Keep working with your therapist to shed the unhealthy habits you've learned, and keep participating in life so you can meet someone who likes you for YOU, not for the warped version you feel like you have to contort yourself into in order to keep someone you're infatuated with.
How long were you together? It can take him to heal after a long relationship ends.
Good people get hurt all the time. I'm a good person, I just got hurt. You are not for everybody, no matter how good of a person you are. It wasn't the time, place or match...you just have to accept it and move on.
I have sympathy for you. When someone you love leaves and YOU think everything was great, it comes as a blow and is hard to understand. But obviously SHE did not see things the same way. I went thru this also. Don't beat yourself up or ask what could I have done different? The answer is nothing.
There is someone out there for you that will treat you well and will want to be with you. Start looking for her and get over the one that left. I know it's hard but you have to pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
Don't wait telling yourself she will come to her sense or change her mind and come back because she won't. Best of luck to you.
I feel you man. I've been in a similar situation too. Just give it more time to heal. She will eventually be an afterthought.
As much as you love her now, she's clearly showed qualities that you'll be glad to not have in future relationships.
I can't believe I can still feel my heart breaking.
I know she has completely moved on, doesn't have a morsel of a feeling left for me, I'm probably not even a blink of an eye thought to her anymore. How is that possible? Somebody she said was so special to her, that she loved so much, that made her smile and laugh like I did, it's like I was never part of her life. After all the happy, amazing times together, how is that possible? To not even miss me, think about me, at all? How could she have seemed so happy when with me, and now seem just as happy or happier without me?
I thought we both felt this undeniable, indescribable connection and chemistry. I thought for sure this meant we were supposed to be together, that nobody could feel this and this not meant to be. The way we were automatically drawn to each other, the way she said she felt something for me the very first time we met, the way she kept coming back to me, the way she looked at me and acted with me, I was so sure she felt the exact same thing. In my mind there was no way I could feel this, and she could be acting the way she was and saying the things she was and this not be right. How could there be somebody else out there that could make her feel and act the way she did with me?
It's been 6 months and I still catch myself saying that I can't believe she broke up with me. The entire time we were together she seemed soo happy and in love with me. She was so affectionate, always cuddling and hanging on me, smiling, giggling, lighting up when I was around. The few days leading up to me meeting her and her family on vacation she was texting me, calling me, facetiming me. Telling me how much she misses me, loves me, couldn't wait for me to get to where they were. She seemed soo happy once I got there. We were having so much fun the first few days. Drinking, dancing, laying around, having amazing sex. Everything seemed perfect. I couldn't wait to start the new year with her. She seemed just as certain that we were going to be together (talked about both our birthdays, valentines day, music festival over the summer) and excited about it as well.
I had no idea anything was even remotely wrong or irritating her, let alone that she was so unhappy that she wanted to break up with me! To break up with somebody you must be so unhappy being with them. That kills me that she was at that level with me. But how could she have been that miserable and me not know at all? Yes she was cold our last 2 days together but that literally started out of nowhere.
She listed off a bunch of reasons she broke up with me, but none of them really made any sense. None of them were things that were insurmountable, that couldn't be discussed, worked on, even just freaking hinted at. Why couldn't she just something like "Hey babe, I feel like we've only been doing what I want to do lately, what do you want to do tonight?" or "Why don't you choose what we get for dinner tonight I feel like I've been deciding a lot lately?" if she felt like I was deferring to her too much. Which I don't even think I really did! Is it that hard to say something to your boyfriend like this? She said she felt partly contained. I have NO idea how. She went and did whatever she wanted, whenever, with whoever. I made sure not to make plans too much with her or too far in advance. Didn't text all damn day long. Even if she felt that way, couldn't she have just said "Babe, I want to spend the weekend with my friends, I feel like we've been spending a lot of time together lately/I feel a little smothered."?
She said she really wanted it to work. If she wanted it to work so badly, why didn't she even ONCE try to say something, ask me something, hint at something.
It just kills me that the last 6 months we could have so many moments, so many experiences, so many dinners, nights out, mornings waking up together. But we've been complete strangers. No more knowing what's going on in each others lives, no more sweet dreams texts, no more mornings of her pulling me in tight telling me she loves me when I kiss her goodbye. It kills me.
I just don't understand what she didn't love about me, about us. What she felt wasn't right between us. How can I still feel like she's the one after everything that's happened. How could she know I'm not the one for her without ever having have tried to work through what was going on in her head.
I've met and been with so many girls. I've never fallen for any of them. Never been happy like this with any of them. I look through all these girls on dating apps, in the streets, and none of them do anything for me like my ex. I don't know how I'm supposed to find this perfect package again. She's beyond beautiful, sexy, cute, adorable. Caring, affectionate, thoughtful, fun, bubbly. I could go on forever.
I just want things to be how they were supposed to be. How we talked about them being. The last 6 months I was supposed to be so happy and so in love. I've been basically nothing but sad and depressed. Why did this have to happen to me? I'm a good person, I do the right thing. I treated her like absolute gold. I took her on awesome dates, we seemed to always have the best time when together, I was there for her when she needed me, I got her cute little gifts just because, I was supportive, caring, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, encouraging. I thanked the universe for bringing this girl back into my life (it was our second time dating with 6 months in between). I just don't get why none of it was enough.
In my head, since it's not like anything so terrible happened, maybe we could still make it work at some point. She's connected to my social circle by association so it's not like there's no way to ever see her or speak to her again. But I don't know. I don't even want to find anybody else. I still think she's the one, she just needs to grow up, mature a bit, see just how good I was to her compared to what else is out there.
I just miss her so much. I can't believe she's out there without me like it's nothing. I'll never even come close to understanding how somebody that acted/seemed so happy and in love with me could break up with me like this and move on so easily. **** PLEASE COME BACK TO ME.
I'm so sorry. But there is no going back. All you can do is move on. It may not seem like it right now, but as much as you like her, it is possible to find someone you'll like better.
Right now, all that is left is for you to do everything you can to move on from her. This may include backing away from your social circle for a while.
One thing you have to realize about her is that she is not perfect and that she has a set of flaws.
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It's just not a match.
