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Marriage or even co-habitation is not a prerequisite for obtaining the latter, though. One can be happily, legally single, yet have a fulfilling relationship with a member of the opposite sex without the challenges that come with living with another person.
Yeah. I don't like to admit that and therefore will point out that married people don't have to live together most or even any of the time.
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I've been married and found it to be an overall positive experience even though we did divorce. I'm currently single (according the government) and rather happily live on my own just as I did prior to my engagement with my former spouse (we didn't cohabitate until then) even though I do have a boyfriend.
I really do not wish to remarry even though despite a rough marriage, he does wish to do so. Do I owe it to him to become his wife because men fare better emotionally and physically within a marriage? I think not.
Regardless, if there's a difference of opinion about getting married, it's a problem. I personally red-flag the statement as a possible sign that men's well-being is of little concern to you and suspect marriage would end in unilateral divorce. So, I don't always urge people in relationships to marry.
Yeah. I don't like to admit that and therefore will point out that married people don't have to live together most or even any of the time.
Regardless, if there's a difference of opinion about getting married, it's a problem. I personally red-flag the statement as a possible sign that men's well-being is of little concern to you and suspect marriage would end in unilateral divorce. So, I don't always urge people in relationships to marry.
The well-being of my fellow human beings is of concern to me, of course--not just that of men.
The truth is, I thought very long and hard before making the decision to divorce my former spouse. Perhaps it was selfish of me to not stick with the marriage, but at the end of the day, that marriage was taking a toll on me that it just wasn't taking on him. I cannot be the only woman who has felt this way before ending a marriage.
That being said, one's contentment and health should never rest largely on a single other human being. I think that that men generally enjoy that women tend to take care of the "details" of life and provide an emotional outlet that's a combination of friend, lover, and mother. When that's gone (or didn't exist in the first place), it's a rather large void in many men's lives.
I think that many men miss that when they're no longer partnered either through death or divorce, which is why men do tend to remarry or re-partner not long after the demise of a relationship. Even though his decades-long marriage was rocky in many ways, I know that's one reason why my boyfriend is keen to remarry. He misses that feeling of stability and constancy even though I do my best to provide it outside of either marriage or cohabitation.
My own sense of stability and security, on the other hand, tends to come from other places such as being able to provide for my own needs and to create a home of my own choosing. I think that I'm likely wired that way due to my upbringing (my mother and father raised fiercely independent children regardless of gender) and due to the fact that I married comparatively late in life without cohabiting until I was engaged.
The well-being of my fellow human beings is of concern to me, of course--not just that of men.
The truth is, I thought very long and hard before making the decision to divorce my former spouse. Perhaps it was selfish of me to not stick with the marriage, but at the end of the day, that marriage was taking a toll on me that it just wasn't taking on him. I cannot be the only woman who has felt this way before ending a marriage.
That being said, one's contentment and health should never rest largely on a single other human being. I think that that men generally enjoy that women tend to take care of the "details" of life and provide an emotional outlet that's a combination of friend, lover, and mother. When that's gone (or didn't exist in the first place), it's a rather large void in many men's lives.
I think that many men miss that when they're no longer partnered either through death or divorce, which is why men do tend to remarry or re-partner not long after the demise of a relationship. Even though his decades-long marriage was rocky in many ways, I know that's one reason why my boyfriend is keen to remarry. He misses that feeling of stability and constancy even though I do my best to provide it outside of either marriage or cohabitation.
Okay. You're attuned enough to how men think that I withdraw the statement that you have little or no concern about the opposite sex. I can only hope that women stop having scorn for men like that, who probably are getting shafted the most due to fewer women wanting marriage.
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My own sense of stability and security, on the other hand, tends to come from other places such as being able to provide for my own needs and to create a home of my own choosing. I think that I'm likely wired that way due to my upbringing (my mother and father raised fiercely independent children regardless of gender) and due to the fact that I married comparatively late in life without cohabiting until I was engaged.
Except for the observation that women probably increasingly associate being single with not-too-childish fun and freedom and marriage with being trapped (i.e., men, if not "bad," are at least a pain in the butt) , I'm putting my comments in a spoiler, since they're off-topic and unsolicited.
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That sounds like fundamental incompatibility that will get him burned. Usually people want to spend a lot of time with those they love, even if it means the aggravations that typically cohabitating involve. Less than that I interpret as a way to tolerate someone. Also, I get the sense of, "Ultimately, my wants and needs matter more" and "I want to leave when I feel like it, without much difficulty." Not my idea of love and likely opportunity cost for him at least. You know the details better, of course, and I might be wrong, and it's best not to discuss it more here.
Okay, one more thing - I think vulnerability somehow has become a bad thing for many women, such that "happiness" as emotional openness and sharing the good and not-so-good sounds difficult and not enjoyable, and women might as well get the safer parts of that from mom and other single women who aren't preoccupied with their children. I should do a Google deep-dive on that or ask about it elsewhere. Looks like unstable relationships have become widespread during people's upbringings (or early adulthood) and openness is a recipe for rejection or getting used to something that might suddenly disappear.
Last edited by goodheathen; 07-02-2019 at 01:19 AM..
You aren’t a man starting thread to debate women on what makes us happy, are you? If you’re a woman, go ahead and tell us what makes you happy as a woman.
Well, yes, I think you've pretty much nailed it.
Let me see: Is it possible that different women experience different levels of happiness in their lives by having different experiences, backgrounds, and life situations? Is it possible that, women being individuals that differ one to the next, that different things may make different women happy or less so? Rather than women being uniform automatons that act according to rules someone set down?
naaaaah, "a survey" that "someone" read "somewhere" on the Internet (so you know it's well documented and fully researched) is the key to understanding how each woman thinks and acts and feels.
Some people are generally happy whether they are in a relationship or alone. Others are just miserable no matter what. If you aren't happy alone, it isn't reasonable to expect another person is going to make you happy. Seems to me studies on happiness can be manipulated to show about anything a person is trying to prove.
Please don't imply that those doing the studies are manipulating the findings....much more likely that those doing the INTERPRETING are doing the manipulating. Don't malign the researchers, malign the spinners.
Let me see: Is it possible that different women experience different levels of happiness in their lives by having different experiences, backgrounds, and life situations? Is it possible that, women being individuals that differ one to the next, that different things may make different women happy or less so? Rather than women being uniform automatons that act according to rules someone set down?
naaaaah, "a survey" that "someone" read "somewhere" on the Internet (so you know it's well documented and fully researched) is the key to understanding how each woman thinks and acts and feels.
How may thread titles on CDr have you read that prefaced women or men with "some"? Like never.
Please don't imply that those doing the studies are manipulating the findings....much more likely that those doing the INTERPRETING are doing the manipulating. Don't malign the researchers, malign the spinners.
I am kinda "yes and no" on this.
I feel that if you're a researcher, you come up with this set of questions to ask people, right? How do you decide which questions to poll people on? You have some kind of a premise, and idea in your mind to begin with, a hypothesis to attempt to prove or disprove. OK sure, that's science. The problem where it gets hugely UNscientific, is when you set it up like:
- Ask a few thousand women about marital status.
- Ask a few thousand women about their self-reported happiness level.
OK, seems sound, how else will you gauge anybody's happiness? There may be more questions than that, obviously.
But there will be endless variables that can't possibly be accounted for. A scientific mind would have to know, you cannot control for all of that. Out of the women who are unhappily married, how many came from divorced homes, how many are employed or not, how many had children, how many have pets, how many have education of whatever level, what socioeconomic level does their household occupy, how many have chronic health issues... and even if you ask ALL of the questions, how on earth could you say which ones are the product of which other ones, caused or correlated in any way, or completely unrelated???
So sure, they can gather all of this data, but when you're trying to do that with some end in mind that can't in good scientific conscience even be truly proven or disproven... Your efforts are of dubious merit from the get-go.
LOL I'm actually attending a class in a few weeks, on the "science" of BDSM, because researchers have been trying to do similar inquiries into it. Now the one area I think they're doing a cool thing is in measuring hormones and neurochemicals before and after participants do activities. But there have been "studies" published that endeavor to state that people who do this sort of thing are mentally and emotionally healthier and happier people, than the general population. Well that certainly brings a smug little smile to all of my freaky leather clad friends' faces, but right out the gate I've got questions. Like, OK, if they can establish that we're happier than others, does that mean it makes us that way, or that generally happier people engage in this stuff? Given the fact that a lot of the equipment is expensive, I think it could as easily mean that those of us into this are somewhat more well off, that we can afford to buy toys, and couldn't financial security be a factor in a group of people being "happier than average?"
So. I always take articles on the internet, and "studies" and statistics, before, during and after the spin process, with a grain...nay, a shaker...of salt.
First of all, everyone knows that people are happiest in good relationships - but that doesn't mean much, because many marriages aren't happy.
Some studies say single women are happier (and healthier) than married women - but that deserves more examination. The research focuses on middle-aged women. Health problems often start in middle age, and many studies show happiness for both sexes declines in middle age.
Also, anxious women (who often are less happy) are more likely to marry than less anxious women. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17270393 Anxious women seem to have, or develop, more health problems too. Anxious men probably are less likely to marry than other men - but I don't know if I saw data about that.
Then there's the truism that singles who are trying and failing to enter into relationships are less happy than singles who aren't trying, and middle age is when many single women stop putting much effort into coupling up.
Are you swayed at all by my argument? Do you have any other explanations? This is about small differences in happiness, but it does matter if people decide to stay single based on false information. The million-dollar question that research probably can't answer: how does a mediocre marriage affect happiness?
Well, sir. You convinced me. I am going to find me a woman right now and share this argument with her and convince her to date and marry me.
In truth, there are just way too many factors to form a conclusion. You have to consider what happens in the relationship, the wife, the husband, etc.
As a single woman, I'm not in competition to be happier than anyone else. I think it's kind of silly to compare this kind of thing because what an individual's happiness depends on is up that particular individual. Plus there are too many variables to be measured that are not accounted for. Unless you've done some extended in depth research into this sort of thing with strong controls, objective observation, and a solid definition of what you're looking for, your opinion is quite biased.
Also, it's not your place to tell people to get married and "deal with whatever baggage" is in the way. Like seriously, wtf?
My life's focus isn't on getting married and having babies because it's the perceived norm or because biology "compels me too." I'm going to live my life on my own terms. Relationship or no relationship. I don't understand why some people try to command that you date or get married. It's weird.
I wonder if people with these studies are just projecting their own desires. I wouldn't put it past a guy to use a study similar to how the OP uses it to push an agenda (which may be to convince a woman to marry him). Guys are desperate these days.
You need to stretch your imagination. I am pretty sure my MIL is happier since her husband died than she was for many, many years prior. She has really blossomed since: she has a wider circle of friends, and has tried and enjoyed many new activities ranging from going to pro baseball games to engaging in charitable work. She has also traveled a lot - she went to France two years ago, and we're going on a cruise with her later this year.
She didn't have a bad marriage, by any means - it actually seemed reasonably good. However, I think she is more fulfilled now, and happier.
She had to move forward, and I'm sure her husband would've wanted her to. If I had a wife and I loved her and something happened to me and I couldn't be there for her, I'd want her to find some way to move forward and thrive.
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