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I´m not a us citizen and the last time I came back to the us from a vacation at home (around christmas) I started to get a little home sick and was questioning if I want to stay here or not.
I started talking more to friends at home and also some girl friends, which was really never anything bad and just like friends, but I was hiding it. There was a lot going on inside of me and I got kind of depressed for a while since I was trying to anwer all the questions and doubts I had myself and not talk about it or be honest with her.
Our relationship was on a big down at this point because of me and I started being friendly to other girls and enjoying the attention I got. Than on one of my business trips almost 2 months ago I cheated on her with someone I meet in a bar. We stayed in touch for another 2 weeks until I decited to break up the contact to her because I realized it got waaay too far.
My girlfriend found out about all that and immediatly moved out a week later. I had a lot of time to think about how terrible I was and that I had everything I ever wanted right here and I didn´t saw it.
We are talking every day now again and we talked about EVERYTHING. I told her I´m completly open and honest now. Every questions she ask me, I will answer with the truth even if its not what she wants to hear or however uncomfortable it is to me, I started to do nice things like taking her out for dinner, bringing her flowers or small gifts and we even went last weekend on a weekend trip.
Now, last night she came over and told me the only way she could trust me again in any way is if I would install a spy software in my phone so she could access everthing. Pictures, every messenger app (whatsapp and FB), text messages, see all the apps on my phone, calls...so basiclly EVERYTHING.
I told her I´m ok with giving her my phone and she can look through everything but since I´m traveling a lot for work this is not going to be enough.
Just feels like its too much and I´m uncomfortable about the feeling that she basiclly is spying on me. I think there will be ALWAYS something in your partners phone that could make you uncomfortable or can look wrong if you don´t know whats behind it.
What do you guys think, too much or totally fine to rebuild the trust?
I really don´t know what to do....
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50665
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkyHof
I´m not a us citizen and the last time I came back to the us from a vacation at home (around christmas) I started to get a little home sick and was questioning if I want to stay here or not.
I started talking more to friends at home and also some girl friends, which was really never anything bad and just like friends, but I was hiding it. There was a lot going on inside of me and I got kind of depressed for a while since I was trying to anwer all the questions and doubts I had myself and not talk about it or be honest with her.
Our relationship was on a big down at this point because of me and I started being friendly to other girls and enjoying the attention I got. Than on one of my business trips almost 2 months ago I cheated on her with someone I meet in a bar. We stayed in touch for another 2 weeks until I decited to break up the contact to her because I realized it got waaay too far.
My girlfriend found out about all that and immediatly moved out a week later. I had a lot of time to think about how terrible I was and that I had everything I ever wanted right here and I didn´t saw it.
We are talking every day now again and we talked about EVERYTHING. I told her I´m completly open and honest now. Every questions she ask me, I will answer with the truth even if its not what she wants to hear or however uncomfortable it is to me, I started to do nice things like taking her out for dinner, bringing her flowers or small gifts and we even went last weekend on a weekend trip.
Now, last night she came over and told me the only way she could trust me again in any way is if I would install a spy software in my phone so she could access everthing. Pictures, every messenger app (whatsapp and FB), text messages, see all the apps on my phone, calls...so basiclly EVERYTHING.
I told her I´m ok with giving her my phone and she can look through everything but since I´m traveling a lot for work this is not going to be enough.
Just feels like its too much and I´m uncomfortable about the feeling that she basiclly is spying on me. I think there will be ALWAYS something in your partners phone that could make you uncomfortable or can look wrong if you don´t know whats behind it.
What do you guys think, too much or totally fine to rebuild the trust?
I really don´t know what to do....
There's absolutely NOTHING on my phone that my husband would question.
I think this is reasonable - she's protecting herself. If you just sometimes handed her your phone to look through, you could be deleting texts.
Honestly, it really sounds like you are doing other stuff on your phone that you know she would object to.
She's trying to figure out a way to trust you again - and my guess is, she never will.
No. If there is this degree of distrust, the software ultimately won't be enough for her, either. And you will eventually feel stalked and dogged and like you're being treated like a wayward child or a delinquent.
From a female perspective, I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and decide what kind of relationship you want to have in the future if you stay together after this.
I'm in a similar boat to her after my husband had an affair last summer. Trying to rebuild trust. It took a few months for me to figure out something was going on and then, lot of checking up on him and spying in the background to be sure before it ultimately all came out in the open. During that time, while I was spying, I felt like a dirtbag even though he was the one in the wrong. I guess that I value my own privacy and, even though I don't have anything to hide, I wouldn't want that invaded.
As an FYI, all literature on cheating and affair recovery says that you have to go "no contact" and be completely "100 transparent" to get past something like this. I disagree. While it has been really hard for me to try to give any sort of blind trust, I decided early on that I didn't want to have the kind of relationship where I am always checking up on the person that I am with and that if I felt like it always had to be that way, I should just move on alone or with someone else in the future. In the many years we were together before anything like this happened, I never checked up on my guy so that would be changing the whole nature of our relationship moving forward. Additionally, if someone really wants to cheat on you, they will find a way to do it no matter how much you monitor them, you just might find out a little later in the game. It's not optimal but way better than destroying any chance of recovery by stalking and spying someone to death and feeling like a dirtbag in the process. Now, for me, if it all happens again, there will not be another chance given and I have communicated that to my husband.
Maybe it would be a good idea for you and your girlfriend to try couples counseling? That has really helped us to keep moving forward and has directed us more toward fixing what was broken in our relationship that led to the affair rather than continuing to dwell on what happened and holding it over the other person. Also, instead of just objecting to the spy software, try to talk with her about the fact that unless she wants to keep up the spying indefinitely that there might be other more effective ways to rebuild the trust. She probably loves you or she would be gone by now but she is afraid of being blindsided again. You need to be compassionate about that and willing to make some changes that will make her feel more safe and secure in the relationship moving forward.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
35,635 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50665
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckeeesmom
From a female perspective, I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and decide what kind of relationship you want to have in the future if you stay together after this.
I'm in a similar boat to her after my husband had an affair last summer. Trying to rebuild trust. It took a few months for me to figure out something was going on and then, lot of checking up on him and spying in the background to be sure before it ultimately all came out in the open. During that time, while I was spying, I felt like a dirtbag even though he was the one in the wrong. I guess that I value my own privacy and, even though I don't have anything to hide, I wouldn't want that invaded.
As an FYI, all literature on cheating and affair recovery says that you have to go "no contact" and be completely "100 transparent" to get past something like this. I disagree. While it has been really hard for me to try to give any sort of blind trust, I decided early on that I didn't want to have the kind of relationship where I am always checking up on the person that I am with and that if I felt like it always had to be that way, I should just move on alone or with someone else in the future. In the many years we were together before anything like this happened, I never checked up on my guy so that would be changing the whole nature of our relationship moving forward. Additionally, if someone really wants to cheat on you, they will find a way to do it no matter how much you monitor them, you just might find out a little later in the game. It's not optimal but way better than destroying any chance of recovery by stalking and spying someone to death and feeling like a dirtbag in the process. Now, for me, if it all happens again, there will not be another chance given and I have communicated that to my husband.
Maybe it would be a good idea for you and your girlfriend to try couples counseling? That has really helped us to keep moving forward and has directed us more toward fixing what was broken in our relationship that led to the affair rather than continuing to dwell on what happened and holding it over the other person. Also, instead of just objecting to the spy software, try to talk with her about the fact that unless she wants to keep up the spying indefinitely that there might be other more effective ways to rebuild the trust. She probably loves you or she would be gone by now but she is afraid of being blindsided again. You need to be compassionate about that and willing to make some changes that will make her feel more safe and secure in the relationship moving forward.
At least in America, if you consent to have spy software installed on your device, then that is fine, but if anyone ever thinks to be sneaky and install spy programs on someone's phone to catch them doing something, without their consent, that is against the law. It's a big legal no-no. The only exception is minor kids when you are the legal guardian. Which is why this spy software ostensibly exists, is so that parents can monitor kids.
I know the OP is asking about a situation where he has been asked to LET HER do this, but I want to make that clear for anyone who reads this ever, and thinks it might be a good idea, to do on the sly. Don't.
Now that aside I have a real hard time even speaking to this. I'm not normal people. Some normal people feel that it's ok to be jealous, controlling, possessive, even that it is proof that you love someone. I don't. My reaction if I found out someone cheated on me, would be to ask why they felt that they needed to do that, and to hide it and lie about it. I would not want to maintain a suspicious narrative and snoop on them going forward. Because that means I am thinking of them negatively, and there is no trust. When the trust is gone, people should just end it. I'm not interested in monitoring anybody's communications. And I would not want my partner thinking of me that way or doing that to me. It does not matter what one has to hide or not. I have nothing to hide. I just don't want to be treated like some kind of a bad kid, with a partner in the role of righteous parent, or be on probation like that. I can't live that way, and I won't.
I tell you right now that having been with a suspicious partner, there was no way to earn his trust. He had been cheated on by other women in the past, and he constantly questioned everything. I never had anything to hide, and I let him see my communications, I tried to keep him informed of where I was, what I was doing. But he constantly felt threatened and insecure. If I had even a conversation with a male person in the world, even a coworker, I had to explain in depth of how he looked at me, every word he said, and reassure my ex that he wasn't flirting with me and I wasn't flirting with him. And after we broke up, he's made up all kinds of stories about every time he can think of that I was out of his sight, how I just MUST have been sleeping around. But you know, the problem wasn't me. He could not trust.
Now granted, you brought this on yourself by cheating. But I don't see relationships recovering from things like this. Like another poster suggested, I'd say move on and try to be faithful next time instead...or find a woman who is down for an open relationship, if that's what you need.
From a female perspective, I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and decide what kind of relationship you want to have in the future if you stay together after this.
I'm in a similar boat to her after my husband had an affair last summer. Trying to rebuild trust. It took a few months for me to figure out something was going on and then, lot of checking up on him and spying in the background to be sure before it ultimately all came out in the open. During that time, while I was spying, I felt like a dirtbag even though he was the one in the wrong. I guess that I value my own privacy and, even though I don't have anything to hide, I wouldn't want that invaded.
As an FYI, all literature on cheating and affair recovery says that you have to go "no contact" and be completely "100 transparent" to get past something like this. I disagree. While it has been really hard for me to try to give any sort of blind trust, I decided early on that I didn't want to have the kind of relationship where I am always checking up on the person that I am with and that if I felt like it always had to be that way, I should just move on alone or with someone else in the future. In the many years we were together before anything like this happened, I never checked up on my guy so that would be changing the whole nature of our relationship moving forward. Additionally, if someone really wants to cheat on you, they will find a way to do it no matter how much you monitor them, you just might find out a little later in the game. It's not optimal but way better than destroying any chance of recovery by stalking and spying someone to death and feeling like a dirtbag in the process. Now, for me, if it all happens again, there will not be another chance given and I have communicated that to my husband.
Maybe it would be a good idea for you and your girlfriend to try couples counseling? That has really helped us to keep moving forward and has directed us more toward fixing what was broken in our relationship that led to the affair rather than continuing to dwell on what happened and holding it over the other person. Also, instead of just objecting to the spy software, try to talk with her about the fact that unless she wants to keep up the spying indefinitely that there might be other more effective ways to rebuild the trust. She probably loves you or she would be gone by now but she is afraid of being blindsided again. You need to be compassionate about that and willing to make some changes that will make her feel more safe and secure in the relationship moving forward.
I really like what your saying.
I´m completly transperent right now. She even went like 2 days ago through my whole phone and looked at everything. I went through my facebook friends and contact and deleted a lot of them, especially women. I´m ok with it if it helps.
I just feel like if she looks through my phone while I´m not around she will twist any text or picture and sees something bad in it. Thats why I would like to be around in case that happens I can explain it.
I also asked her if we can make it equal for both of us and she would have the software on her phone too and her immediat respond was "No definitly not, I´m not the one who messed up and hid stuff".
I will mention the counseling, maybe thats a good idea
Thanks!
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