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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,606 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50627
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine
But I feel like if someone loves you, they should respect the fact you don't want to have sex as much. They shouldn't just cheat on you. He didn't wait that long either, he's been cheating on her for the past 5 years.
I think most couples reach a compromise, and have sex less frequently than he would want, and more frequently than she would want.
You said he waited 7 years to cheat after having no sex? That's a LONG time, IMHO.
You only get one life, and I don't think it's fair for a wife to expect her husband to just be celibate. That's not how they're created.
I think most couples reach a compromise, and have sex less frequently than he would want, and more frequently than she would want.
You said he waited 7 years to cheat after having no sex? That's a LONG time, IMHO.
You only get one life, and I don't think it's fair for a wife to expect her husband to just be celibate. That's not how they're created.
It's a little unclear, but I understood it, that they haven't had sex with each other in 7 years, and the wife just found out her husband's been cheating for 5 of those years. So he waited 2 years, then gave up and went elsewhere for sex.
this is the stereotype you always hear about, comedians are always making jokes about guys that can't get any after marriage, and I don't get it, bcuz I've had the opposite problem - of course just dating, not married, but it seems like the guy can't wait to and keeps saying you're so hot and everything and how much they love it, but after a while it seems like I'm the one more interested, so I don't get it. I'm guessing they didn't really like me, even though they seemed to, but thought I was hot which is why they seemed so excited at first. Idk, but that's one thing that makes me not want to date.
As a man I would have to say sex is the sweetest part of any day. It's not all men want, but it is something most men want and most women too. Long ago I heard the saying that if you put a marble in a jar every time you had sex during your first year of marriage, and took a marble out of the jar every time you had sex after the first year you would never get all the marbles out of the jar in your lifetime. Maybe that is an exaggeration but I think initially the sex drive is very strong and frequent at first and it tapers off to once or twice a week then once every one or two weeks for most people for the next few decades, then may gradually decline for many couples depending on the libido or sex drive of the partners as they get into old age, have infirmities, etc. However ...
"Among 60- to 70-year-olds with partners, 46 percent of men and 38 percent of women have sex at least once a week, as did 34 percent of those 70 or older. Similar findings emerged in a survey conducted by the National Council on the Aging (NCOA)." ...
I'd say having sex every day for decades is unusual, but if that's what they want, why shouldn't they? Just having sex on special occasions would be as unusual to me, as having it every day. They seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, and not the norm.
I'd also say not having sex for 7 years is not really a marriage any more, but just living as roommates, so it's quite possible the woman in this case was glad to hand over what she may consider a chore to someone else, while she and her husband maintain the financial and social arrangements of their marriage. If that's the case it's no more cheating than if the wife was actually just a roommate.
I'd say that sex without intimacy or intimacy without sex are not what people ought to settle for. But many people do. For them, something is better than nothing.
I'd also say men thinking of sex every day for their whole lives after puberty is probably normal. While women's libidos often diminish after menapause, men do not have menapause. Just because men think about sex, it doesn't mean all men diminish women in their conversation or attitudes. It's no more abnormal than thinking of food every day, but it doesn't make them animals or gluttons. It just makes them human.
It sounds like the OP's mother is trying to give her a more normal view of sex than the OP's romantic phantasy and/or fearful ideas about it. One of my female cousins was afraid of sex her whole life and never married or even had a steady boyfriend, but retained romantic phantasies of what perfect love should be. These ideas kept her from having any sort of relationship with men. One of the older female family members told her "it's a penis, not a knife", but it never changed her mind.
I'm not exactly scared of having sex. I mean, okay, maybe I am a little, but the truth is, I just don't think a marriage should revolve around it. And I don't understand why it's such a hot topic for everyone all the time. I feel like I shouldn't be expected to have sex more frequently than I should just to please my husband. I just feel like marriage means that sexual activity subsides to a degree. I don't know why but it makes me really uncomfortable knowing people over 40 are having sex and I don't know why.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,606 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50627
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie.sunshine
I'm not exactly scared of having sex. I mean, okay, maybe I am a little, but the truth is, I just don't think a marriage should revolve around it. And I don't understand why it's such a hot topic for everyone all the time. I feel like I shouldn't be expected to have sex more frequently than I should just to please my husband. I just feel like marriage means that sexual activity subsides to a degree. I don't know why but it makes me really uncomfortable knowing people over 40 are having sex and I don't know why.
Ellie, you sound really very young. I think that's the way I felt when I was about 7, and realized that's how babies are made and couldn't at all picture my parents doing that, or my teacher, or my aunt.
I don't know why but it makes me really uncomfortable knowing people over 40 are having sex and I don't know why.
Because you are emotionally immature.
Sex is how we all got here, ellie, and people have sex and WANT to have sex throughout their lives at many different ages, if they are able. It sounds like you can only relate to the older people in your life not as people but as caretakers, maternal and paternal figures. In reality, as you get older yourself, you'll come to realize that they are real people with all kinds of feelings and desires.
You need time to finish growing up and figure out if you are a low-sex drive person or if you experienced some kind of incident when you were a child that has affected your outlook on sex, etc.
Ellie, you sound really very young. I think that's the way I felt when I was about 7, and realized that's how babies are made and couldn't at all picture my parents doing that, or my teacher, or my aunt.
I'll just ask. Are you truly 18?
Yeah, I am, I just feel like I'm not phrasing this right. It's not sex that bothers me, it's the idea that I'll sort of be expected to do it frequently because that's what guys want. Not that I would mind, but I just feel like after a certain age... I don't know. It's confusing and guys are confusing too.
Sex is how we all got here, ellie, and people have sex and WANT to have sex throughout their lives at many different ages, if they are able. It sounds like you can only relate to the older people in your life not as people but as caretakers, maternal and paternal figures. In reality, as you get older yourself, you'll come to realize that they are real people with all kinds of feelings and desires.
You need time to finish growing up and figure out if you are a low-sex drive person or if you experienced some kind of incident when you were a child that has affected your outlook on sex, etc.
Do you have any siblings?
I have two younger brothers. 11 and 13.
Can I ask you a question? This may seem really dumb, but do people who do IVF ever do it because they don't want to have sex? I know that the main reason is due to infertility + other similar problems but do they ever do it because they just don't want to have sex? I'm just wondering.
I don't know what I am. I don't think I have a low sex drive though. But I'm not sure how to tell. I can never talk with my mom about these things it's way way way too uncomfortable I just can't.
Also, this is unrelated but I sometimes get weird when people touch me. Not weird but it makes me uncomfortable and I don't know why even when someone just sits next to me but close enough for our arms/legs to touch I hate that I always move away. Also when someone touches my hand. I don't mind hugs though. And nothing happened either, I didn't have a traumatic experience when I was younger or anything it's just... how I am it's very worrying.
I have two younger brothers. 11 and 13.
Can I ask you a question? This may seem really dumb, but do people who do IVF ever do it because they don't want to have sex? I know that the main reason is due to infertility + other similar problems but do they ever do it because they just don't want to have sex? .
That's entirely possible. I did IVF but it wasn't for that reason.
Yeah, that's what I wanted to know, thank you! I agree! And I think enjoying sporty or cultural activities together is way more normal because if an entire marriage revolves around physical intimacy then I feel like that's unhealthy and can lead to major problems. What my mom said just really worried me because it in part made me feel like it's all guys care about. Which would suck.
You have to keep in mind that from my experience as a male every third thought involves sex. It seems like the subject is just over the shoulder all the time, under all circumstances. This is totally my perspective though.
Intimacy varies widely from couple to couple and person to person. In my last marriage we were always very busy and my ex once said that when it comes to this subject we were feast or famine. Long periods of nothing then intense intimacy. A few times we would go on a weeklong vacation wanting to see things but not come out of the hotel room for 3 days straight. Family matters, work matters and the demands of life in general can make quality time hard to find. We dealt with it pretty good and intimacy is not just for special occasions, sometimes it's when expedients allow. That includes her taking liberties at 3 in the morning when i'm trying to catch up on rest.
There's definitely no set pattern amongst us. What ever works works.
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Idk, but that's one thing that makes me not want to date.
