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He was passing through my area. I knew it was going to go nowhere in terms of a relationship. He moved 9,000 miles away 3 days after he sent his "I'm not coming" text. That was always his plan. We both knew it.
I was "butthurt" because I expect respect from casual sex partners. Civilities, like "hello", "goodbye", "it's been fun".
Personally I would have been annoyed by the lack of basic manners regardless of any emotional attachment.
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Not being stood up 5 mins beforehand, with no explanation or further contact. When you have casual sex with someone, you still open yourself up in an intimate way.
Here's the thing. You don't seem to get this. SOME people do. SOME people don't.
It seems like some people on this thread also put more thought into choosing a casual partner than I have in the past. E.g. choosing existing friends.
Not me. I did not choose him per se. I can't say I went through a lot of thought or effort in choosing others in the past either. Here is one observation of difference. I don't go super far out of my way to avoid hurt. If I get hurt, so be it.
The part I was not upset about was that the "I'm-not-coming" text guy didn't take me with him or something on his trans continental move. I have my own life here, I was not expecting that. I engaged in casual sex with him knowing it had an ending.
The part that I was upset about was to experience all these intimate moments with someone I had grown a bit fond of (to believe that he had started to like me), and then expect a bittersweet goodbye. That was what I was expecting because of our prior experiences together.
But to be pretty much ghosted at the last minute with no acknowledgement or goodbye. That was what I was sad about.
If we had had a final tryst that had been as nice as all the others were, I would have missed him sure, but not been left upset, wondering what the hell had just happened and what I did to get discarded. I wouldn't have felt used.
A big problem with the men who engage in casual sex is that they seem to see some women as masturbatory aids, and that doesn't become clear until later on. They use and discard. They behave disrespectfully. They count on getting women like me hooked so that they can make the minimum of effort, socially and logistically, and still get laid.
I am not saying this is not my issue. It absolutely is, I have done it repeatedly and still got the same result, that's my issue. That's why a change in behaviour is needed and that's partly what this thread is all about.
It happened the last 3 times I've had casual sex, it's not a one off but a pattern.
Are you a woman? If not, you might not experience or understand the intense bonding that some women can feel after sex, even with total strangers. Women typically experience oxytocin's effects more strongly than most men do. They're biologically wired to. Having said that, the experiences described here show that not all experience it as strongly as others do. That is what this thread is about. Working out if it's about oxytocin, personality or what? Personally I've found it very interesting and it's given me tons of food for thought in terms of how I've been seeing the world and the men I want to be meeting in the future.
not a woman. thanx for explaining.
maybe become friends with men then try to transition to a casual sexual relationship; as opposed to, sleeping with strangers then try to be their friend realizing they are a-holes.
The part I was not upset about was that the "I'm-not-coming" text guy didn't take me with him or something on his trans continental move. I have my own life here, I was not expecting that. I engaged in casual sex with him knowing it had an ending.
The part that I was upset about was to experience all these intimate moments with someone I had grown a bit fond of (to believe that he had started to like me), and then expect a bittersweet goodbye. That was what I was expecting because of our prior experiences together.
But to be pretty much ghosted at the last minute with no acknowledgement or goodbye. That was what I was sad about.
If we had had a final tryst that had been as nice as all the others were, I would have missed him sure, but not been left upset, wondering what the hell had just happened and what I did to get discarded. I wouldn't have felt used.
A big problem with the men who engage in casual sex is that they seem to see some women as masturbatory aids, and that doesn't become clear until later on. They use and discard. They behave disrespectfully. They count on getting women like me hooked so that they can make the minimum of effort, socially and logistically, and still get laid.
I am not saying this is not my issue. It absolutely is, I have done it repeatedly and still got the same result, that's my issue. That's why a change in behaviour is needed and that's partly what this thread is all about.
This does happen, yes. Be careful about letting this become your filter for how all men are, or something. It might become a self fulfilling prophecy then.
There are lots of different kinds of men in the world. Lots of douche bags but lots of compassionate and honest men as well.
Adjusting your filter and expectations might make better results. Figure out how not to let the baddies get through.
I think that some of the confusion is also a matter of "define your terms." I've said it before, I do believe that people in communities centered on things like poly, BDSM and possibly swinging (don't know) are, because they're doing non-mainstream things that require more communication, perhaps more likely to take relationship aspects as a la carte, without assuming this or that.
I have the feeling that you'd be maybe ok with a relationship that does not start out with "Are you looking for a wife? Because I am looking for a husband. Don't even talk to me if you are not ready for a lifetime commitment! I'm not that kind of girl!" Like that is not the extent to which you need to take your time. I think you just want to be treated with some respect and consideration. Like a human being. And Sydney, I cannot believe that you think this means she was expecting to "set the hook" or something. Good lord.
I mean, there is "casual" as in, "I picked someone up at the bar, they are a stranger, and I didn't even give them my real name. We are in a motel now, so they won't know where I live, and after tonight I will never see them again."
And then there is "casual" as in, "We've been friends for years. Once in a while we have sex. We otherwise spend time together agreeably. We simply both agree that neither of us wants a serious relationship thing...maybe not with one another, maybe not at all. We actually do love one another...but in a friend way, not a relationship way."
There are tons of ways to do "casual" sex relationships and hookups. But whether people are self-aware enough to know what they can or cannot comfortably do, and whether they can negotiate them in good faith...another story.
This does happen, yes. Be careful about letting this become your filter for how all men are, or something. It might become a self fulfilling prophecy then.
There are lots of different kinds of men in the world. Lots of douche bags but lots of compassionate and honest men as well.
Adjusting your filter and expectations might make better results. Figure out how not to let the baddies get through.
You're right. I don't think all men are this way, it's just some of the ones I've met who were seeking casual sex.
I think that some of the confusion is also a matter of "define your terms." I've said it before, I do believe that people in communities centered on things like poly, BDSM and possibly swinging (don't know) are, because they're doing non-mainstream things that require more communication, perhaps more likely to take relationship aspects as a la carte, without assuming this or that.
I have the feeling that you'd be maybe ok with a relationship that does not start out with "Are you looking for a wife? Because I am looking for a husband. Don't even talk to me if you are not ready for a lifetime commitment! I'm not that kind of girl!" Like that is not the extent to which you need to take your time. I think you just want to be treated with some respect and consideration. Like a human being.
Yes, totally. I think some of the pain that has come from casual sex has not just been about not being able to form a lasting connection with someone I like; it's the lack of civility and respect that makes me feel a bit worthless when it comes my way. I do believe this comes from men seeing women as less worthy of respect if she puts out easily. So they don't feel inclined to give respect out so readily once they've slept with someone. They're more likely to give it out beforehand. I know that sounds gross, but I think that's partly what goes on for men, probably very subconsciously.
I've only been with one poly guy (who had more issues than your average guy and was a bit of a mess emotionally) but I wonder if poly men are less likely to have a madonna/***** complex and be more sex positive, more able to communicate the parameters of what they are looking for, as you mention. Part of me is still drawn to that community for various reasons, I love variety which is why I'm partly both dreading and loving the idea of hopefully finding someone to settle down forever. Also from all these encounters I've had, I've had the message that I am "too much", "too demanding" sexually and just in terms of how much time and attention I want from men. It has occurred to me maybe I need a few of them in my life, however that may just be an illusion based on the behaviour of these men I've encountered. I also have more time on my hands these days than most people do.
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