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I've said it for a while. I am glad a woman agrees with me.
Women have been saying that for as long as I've been here.... A lot of the time the guy is the one who wants the commitment, gets his feelings hurt, feels like he's been ghosted or used.
Well, the common theme with dating and relationship threads seems to fall under 'the common denominator is you" or Sonic's friend in this case. It's a repeated pattern and she may be doing something wrong in attracting these kinds of guys.
"These kinds of guys" are the majority of guys, it is fairly typical for most men, once they feel they have a claim to a woman, to see other men as a threat. Especially if they know that the woman is VERY attractive, and they really want to keep her. (Heck, many women are similarly possessive.)
The way she is dealing with this, is to keep a certain safe distance between herself and them, and insisting that they have no such claim upon her. Hence...casual-ish relationships. No long term commitments, no march towards the milestones of cohabitation and marriage, no promises, no girlfriend/boyfriend labels.
And I still cannot think of a single reason why this is a problem. Other than the fact that some of these fellas have a hard time accepting it, and try to push for more commitment from her. But she isn't lying to them. Not up front, not as time goes by, not at all. They've got the choice to abide by what she wants, or to leave.
But..."these kinds of guys"... Do you think that behavior is rare?
Normal guys are generally not ok with their girlfriends vanishing into the wilds of Montana for a week with no cell phone reception, no contact, and a group that includes other men. Not in my experience anyhow.
I mean, I could point to innumerable threads over the years about people not being ok with a partner having an opposite sex friend, with people snooping on phone calls, with all of the couples where suspicion is the norm and people act like they almost have to play detective all the freakin' time because cheating could happen at any moment. But if you give no ground to any expectation that someone has a right to even demand exclusivity, let alone accountability and control for your activities and choices of company and so on, then it is none of their business where you go or what you do with whom. You can breathe and be free of it.
Thanks all for the interesting replies. I'm still very envious of all you who can do this.
I wonder if whether a person can have casual sex or not, depends on their attachment style?
I have anxious-ambivalent attachment, I tend to fall in love very fast and can get attached so quickly if sex comes into the equation.
When I was in my late teens I read the book 'the Ethical Sl*t' about polyamory by Dossie Easton and I envisioned a love/sex life for myself that was unconventional and sort of scandalous (probably to **** off my parents and grandparents). I thought I was going to be into polyamorous relationships (and I've actually been in one but it was too painful.)
Now I find myself in my mid 30s, with a sex drive that would put some young men in their 20s to shame, and I get offered sex all the time on dating apps but unfortunately what happens when I engage in it (1) it causes me a lot of emotional pain as I find I am into someone who is not into me (this has happened a lot) or (2) the other person is also into me and we get into a relationship but it becomes clear that we're unsuited, or even that the person is abusive (this happened in my last relationship), there's a break up and it's painful.
It would be great if I could switch off this part of myself that gets attached but I don't believe I can because what I want is someone who adores me and finds meaning in our sex life and I want to make sure we're compatible, plus if I like someone enough to have sex with them, I like them enough to want to date them.
So I'm planning to take my time to get to know someone, take a long time to have sex, I want to be clear headed and not catch feelings before I've established that there's some level of compatibility.
I also think casual sex might go against my personality in that I am someone who sees sex as something very meaningful and almost a bit sacred. I seek meaning in everything (quite a spiritual person too) so having casual sex and not even bothering to say bye afterward or acknowledge it seems wrong.
And I also think some men are downright rude and disrespectful, like the guy I dated casually (who I referred to in my original post) who sent me a text on what was to be our final meeting (as he was soon to move out of the area) and just said "I'm not coming". No acknowledgment of what we had shared together and no goodbye. It seemed like the opposite of what I am seeking. It's like, I open myself up to you in an intimate way, and you can't even be bothered to show basic manners and respect. So that's another reason I won't do it anymore. I wonder if some men think, "well she put out easily, she's a **** so I won't even bother being respectful."
And then two of the one-night stands I had recently, it turns out both had girlfriends and one didn't tell me until afterwards and one didn't tell me at all...I only found out shortly afterwards because I met his girlfriend (who was a friend of a friend) which was a bit traumatic.
So it just seems like a minefield, too, because of the behaviour of these men who engage in casual sex.
Unfortunately I think there is some wisdom (at least for me personally) in my very religious grandmother's advice to me to "respect myself" (ugh, her words, not mine) and guard my feelings and it's taken me 20 years to heed it. But I do feel like I'd rather be having a different love life than the one I'm having right now. It just seems a lot more sensible & less exciting than I ever envisioned
Last edited by Carly1983; 08-06-2019 at 06:01 PM..
Stop viewing any human with a penis as a potential sex partner.
I definitely don't view every human with a penis as a potential sex partner. That's a pretty yucky idea and I don't think you've read all the posts because that's not what I am suggesting.
I'm referring to casual sex with men who I'm attracted to on more than one level (not just the physical), but who otherwise are not looking for a full blown relationship.
For some reason, young women are fine at demanding respect in the workplace etc -- but when it comes to relationships, I see too many younger women put up with disrespect from guys. This "hookup" culture, the "lets hang out" texts at 10 pm, and even the fact that it's become OK to use terms like "hit that" or "tap that" is accepted. All of it chips away at women being treated like they are valued. I mean, why call out certain guys as "misogynists" and then accept this kind of language from your own male friends, brothers, etc.
It seems that drawing lines in the sand is now considered to be "prudish" or "pearl clutching" or something -- when it's just about asking for respect and not being used sexually and then discarded. I mean is it prudish when women spell out what's not acceptable to them in the workplace? If not, then why aren't these expectations spelled out in dating?
Wasel, I have had the same thoughts after having been treated disrespectfully by men I've slept with. I think some men even escalate the disrespectful language and behaviour once they have slept with you because they secretly think women who put out so easily don't deserve respect. Sadly, that's something that society teaches men.
How does this apply to the conversation of oxytocin? Ocytocin does not MAKE me do or feel anything any more than alcohol MAKES an alcoholic do or feel things. Trust me, I know. Recovering alcoholic. Oxytocin is one input among many known and unknown into our feelings and our choices.
I don't "deal" with getting attached. I allow it. I allow it to come. I enjoy it. Then I allow it to flow away.
And here is where I get disregarded as some kind of eastern, yoga practicing, candle lighting freak. But I am ok with that.
This sounds great, but for me, the feelings of attachment seem to create unavoidable pain.
There’s this image that all guys are all into casual sex as that is all men want, men have no feelings, and so on. It seems it is totally acceptable to generalize men about it I guess but I was never into casual sex. I believe sex is such an intimate experience to just throw it around to whoever crossed my path. It was actually me who would say NO when I was dating. Yes I had girls question my manhood or make fun of it. I could understand them as I was “supposed” to always be ready for sex as that is what society expects from men but I didn’t care. I can imagine I would feel empty or used the next morning. If other people are into that, that’s their thing, but it is not my cup of tea.
It's weird because that's been my experience - that many men seem to want casual sex but not much else. But many on here say that's not been their experience.
I sampled the FWB scene some 10 yrs ago, but I had more trouble with the male half of the equation. I was fine with FWB, and we supposedly discussed it several times. Then I met someone (this ASH), and was up front and honest with the fwb that I would be moving t be with this ASH. The fwb got all hateful and rude to me for that decision, and called me a *****. I reminded him that we had NEVER discussed him and I being exclusive, but I guess he was the one who became attached.
I havent read the whole thread but Ive been willing and able to carry on casual relationships. When I was younger sex was a biological requirement (like eating) but that didnt mean I wanted all the complications of a committed relationship.
I found often guys would introject mind games. Like dropping little hints about serious commitment "You should meet my mom!" Or becoming overly lovey,, cuddling is nice but gentle forehead kisses, long deep eye gazing etc. When he didnt want to take it to the next level and neither did I. Things like that can mess with a girls head.
But I could really really like a guy yet maintain this distance, because while there was attraction and I really really liked him, I knew he was not someone I would marry. It was strong like but not love, nor was finding a husband or starting a family what I was seeking. If so I wouldnt have wasted my time with that.
I see nothing wrong with that kind of relationship though many would view it as slutty. Perhaps it was slutty but that was what I chose to do because it worked within what I needed at the time.
I think women can handle these relationships and I think it can be healthy, but the two people involved need to find a level of intimacy that works for them. It can be very tricky to find. Its a balance, you both get your needs met, neither feels slighted, you dont play games, you are honest.
If thats what you need nothing wrong with doing that.
But you do need to ask if thats the kind of relationship you really want. Dont lie to yourself or settle for less than what you really want.
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A lot of the time the guy is the one who wants the commitment, gets his feelings hurt, feels like he's been ghosted or used.
