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Old 08-20-2019, 10:36 AM
 
124 posts, read 46,602 times
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...another woman OR another man?

Which would bug you more?

I'm a dude and it would bug me 69 times more if I lost my wife to another dude. If it was a chick, then that's no reflection on me. Nothing I can do about it.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:04 AM
 
644 posts, read 156,392 times
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Then be the best man in her life so she doesn't want another dude. Women can detect the slightest male insecurities so stop thinking about this because she will detect it. Even if you are just thinking about it.

It does comes across as an insecurity for you. Women do not want the burden of making a man happy. And if they feel pressured to stay in a relationship because he will fall apart, they will eventually reject having that responsibility.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:06 AM
 
124 posts, read 46,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by james112 View Post
Then be the best man in her life so she doesn't want another dude. Women can detect the slightest male insecurities so stop thinking about this because she will detect it. Even if you are just thinking about it.

It does comes across as an insecurity for you. Women do not want the burden of making a man happy. And if they feel pressured to stay in a relationship because he will fall apart, they will eventually reject having that responsibility.
So what's the answer to the question?
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:07 AM
 
14,344 posts, read 10,604,115 times
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Neither. Losing him FROM me.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA/Washington, DC
24,312 posts, read 34,346,115 times
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Losing a woman to another woman would really p$&@ me off. If I knew she swung by that way, I wouldn’t have touched her in the first place.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Colorado
13,239 posts, read 8,013,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Neither. Losing him FROM me.
This.

Losing him would make me sad. I don't believe that other people can really steal our partners away. They have the agency to make their own choices, to stay or to go.

I know how to parse out the feeling that I'm comparing myself to someone else...I'm not suggesting that this flavor of jealousy doesn't exist, and I know that I feel a certain kind of hurt when I see his enthusiasm directed at other women...often younger ones. Not even necessarily "prettier" except simply in the sense that life or time has not done things to them, that it has to me. Despite the fact that I'm aging reasonably well I am still 40 years old and can't be anything else. It hurts to think that a partner might prefer something that I cannot be, more than he would prefer me. It hurts even more to think that I threw away my own "value" of being young and pre-kids on a terrible partner like I did.

However, when he is attracted to, or fond of, a woman that we actually know, and that I like, then those feelings of discomfort and comparison just don't exist. I'm happy about him getting all into a person...because they are a cool person... It's the feeling that he's more excited about a fantasy, something that isn't even real, or a silly kid who wouldn't even be a feasible partner choice for him... It's like, "No matter how awesome you make yourself, or how much effort you put into being an amazing partner, you can't compete with a man's drive to chase a hot young body. You are as nothing to that." It is a very conceptual thing for me. It's got deep roots that are more complicated than "losing a partner to a man/woman." It's a sense that no one experiences attraction the way that I do, certainly not the men I've ever met...to the whole person, the who and not just the what. Everybody just cares about the standard indicators of youth, fertility, beauty. It goes beyond any one relationship or scenario. It makes me want to give up on love, sex, and romance entirely. And just enjoy friendship, which for me seems more...genuine. Real. If other people want something fleeting, superficial, even fake, hell...they can play without me.

Well. If I ride that train of thought, that's the end of the line. So most of the time, I choose not to. I can recognize uncomfortable feelings, and be aware and understanding of their machinations in my head, without letting them run the show here.

But man or woman, I think that the nature and expression of a partner's interest in someone else would matter more than their gender.

What I find interesting about this is...in times where my fiance and I have talked about "what if we decided to have a sort of open relationship?" (we always circle back to it being way too much hassle) he has been willing to really dig around in his own feelings on the matter. He says that this one friend of ours who was formerly a partner of mine, he would not mind so much...because he knows the guy, knows that he respects me and will treat me well and respects our relationship. Some other hypothetical man he's never met though? THAT feels threatening and upsetting to contemplate. Of course he has no issues, really, with me being with another woman. He thinks that the experience would be so vastly different that he can't offer me what a woman could, nor vice versa. I'm not really sure that's the case, personally. But men often think this way.
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Old 08-20-2019, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,179 posts, read 44,516,010 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaminade View Post
...another woman OR another man?

Which would bug you more?

I'm a dude and it would bug me 69 times more if I lost my wife to another dude. If it was a chick, then that's no reflection on me. Nothing I can do about it.
Lol I disagree but maybe that is because I see my boyfriend as more than a collection of body parts.

He’d be choosing an emotional connection with another person over me. That would suck regardless of the gender.
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Old 08-20-2019, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Florida
20,748 posts, read 20,729,384 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaminade View Post
...another woman OR another man?

Which would bug you more?

I'm a dude and it would bug me 69 times more if I lost my wife to another dude. If it was a chick, then that's no reflection on me. Nothing I can do about it.
I understand what you're saying and agree that it's harder for the ego to accept when you're being left for the 'competition" and not what you simply can't compete against.
(It does make me wonder if it happened to you, whether or not there was any Freudian slip about using "69" in your post
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Old 08-20-2019, 02:47 PM
 
124 posts, read 46,602 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
it's harder for the ego to accept when you're being left for the 'competition" and not what you simply can't compete against.
You're the only person that acknowledged that. Every other poster wrote it would make absolutely no difference.

That is,

A dude losing his chick to another dude would feel EXACTLY the same as losing her to another chick and
A chick losing her dude to another chick would feel EXACTLY the same as losing him to another dude.

Exactly the same.
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Old 08-20-2019, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
4,981 posts, read 6,983,047 times
Reputation: 12840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaminade View Post
You're the only person that acknowledged that. Every other poster wrote it would make absolutely no difference.

That is,

A dude losing his chick to another dude would feel EXACTLY the same as losing her to another chick and
A chick losing her dude to another chick would feel EXACTLY the same as losing him to another dude.

Exactly the same.
I don't look at it that way. You are still alone at the end of the day. Losing your SO is still a loss.
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