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The reality is that you want to believe that you are the key to her well being, and you most likely think you know her better than she knows herself, and it gives you an ego boost to think that.
So forgive me if I don't believe your claims that this is "more than..." whatever.
It's not. It's a simple story of a guy who won't see reality and wants something he has no control over.
You're torturing yourself.
I'm really always amazed at how people reply when hiding behind the internet vs in person. No one who I am acquainted with has any such opinions and nor do I being the person with months and 100s of hours of experience with this. I simply asked a question for some feedback based on the sparse info provided. Somehow everyone decides to know it all and to know the worst at the same time. Trump assumes maybe *I* am why she went "cray cray" (not).
No where did I say I was 'the key to her well being' or imply I know her better. Somehow "reality" is what you see having read a single post and not a word I say has any bearing on that.
If I were to read this as an outsider I'd not make any such assumptions or give some blithe 'move on', I'd likely say 'while it appear she may still have feelings for you she is not reaching out actively in return so my best advice would be a) to not write any more letters since you already let her know and clearly see it is affecting her one way or the other b) turn off your receipts if you can and c) let her reach out in her own way if she wants". That is reasonable and in fact what I've done. Any other presumptions would be my baggage though; be it I'm the one who drove her crazy, I believe I'm the key to her well being or I think I know her better than she knows herself (decidedly not true).
Fact is I KNOW I was hugely important connnection, know she was ina horrible dark place and unable to have a relationship, that I made her feel happy and safe in a way few people had except her ex-husband and that my abscence from her life was both unexpected and devastating. I know these things. I asked the question with all that in mind.
For some reason on forums people find a need to look at the worst possible motivations or scenario. Telling a person who experienced things when you know next to nothing HE wont' seem reality seems like utter hubris.
I'll bow out now since I'm discussing something very personal and important to me and the board seems to be discussing whatever their issues in the past are that are unrelated.
Always amazed by the small minded nastiness of boards, I should learn my lesson. My motives are I care for her. And let her know after a really bad and unexpected implosion on her part. She clearly cares as she reads over and over for months, doesn't delete, doesn't ignore and is now finding ways to reach out.
This isn't a cookie-cutter for a cookie-cutter reply. Two people. Really cared. Deep connection. Many issues. One person imploded, and is by all accounts spiralling down and out. The other reached out a few times to let the other person know they cared.
Sorry if you've been stalked or someone you moved on from didn't let go. Try reading instead of reacting to your own past.
,
That wasn't nastiness, that was good, solid advice you should follow.
Look at this way, your ex probably needed an ego boost, so reread the emails. Maybe she was laughing and showing her friends. Maybe she is pining over you. You don't know, you don't NEED to know.
What is healthy for YOU, is to break all contact with her.
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Well, large number of opens by a single reader could be an indicator that the person who received the original email forwarded it on to others who subsequently opened the email.
So, you invisioned her reading your emails during her sleepless nights, sobbing quietly and savoring every word you wrote, she could be forwarding and discussing your emails with others. It could be friendly or not friendly, though.
No. The tracking is per device. All hers. If she is discussing my emails with others repeatedly from 11pm to 5am it means something to. And not sure why the continued snide from everyone. I don't picture her sobbing quietly and in fact would hate that. I simply picture her reading them and getting some solace/peace from my words and knowing I do not in fact hate her and did not in fact forget her. I remember he face when I made her feel happy and safe and that is all I picture and hope for because it made me very glad when I could make her feel like that instead of her usual mania and terror and dark sadness. Again I removed myself from her life utterly, cut off all contact, and walked out of places she knew I'd be when I saw her for months. Her implosion caused that and I'm quite sure losing me from her life was not what she wanted or planned and my words to her were immensely hurtful. I don't want her sobbing reading my letter, I want her healed/healing from any wounds I might have caused and knowing as she did before when it meant a lot to her that I care about her well being and remember her fondly.
I'm really always amazed at how people reply when hiding behind the internet vs in person. No one who I am acquainted with has any such opinions and nor do I being the person with months and 100s of hours of experience with this. I simply asked a question for some feedback based on the sparse info provided. Somehow everyone decides to know it all and to know the worst at the same time.
This ^^^ is a typical response to cold, hard truth known as "the brush-off." I assure you that I would say what I've said here in person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
No where did I say I was 'the key to her well being' ...
You don't think so?
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
I was a source of great support and care for her and am POSITIVE my rejection of her deeply wounded her and my abscense in her life as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
I am positive my removing my presence and good will and support was not good for her.
Your interpretation must be different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
I'd likely say 'while it appear she may still have feelings for you she is not reaching out actively in return so my best advice would be a) to not write any more letters since you already let her know and clearly see it is affecting her one way or the other b) turn off your receipts if you can and c) let her reach out in her own way if she wants". That is reasonable and in fact what I've done.
Dude, quite playing. This ^^ i s exactly what everyone here has said. We just didn't hold your hand and pat you on the back while saying it.
I don't think you're necessarily driving her crazy. You're definitely driving yourself crazy by romanticizing this situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
Fact is I KNOW I was hugely important connnection, know she was ina horrible dark place and unable to have a relationship, that I made her feel happy and safe in a way few people had except her ex-husband and that my abscence from her life was both unexpected and devastating. I know these things.
Congratulatons.
Now what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedashell
For some reason on forums people find a need to look at the worst possible motivations or scenario. Telling a person who experienced things when you know next to nothing HE wont' seem reality seems like utter hubris.
I'll bow out now since I'm discussing something very personal and important to me and the board seems to be discussing whatever their issues in the past are that are unrelated.
No one here has said that.
You asked WHY she re-reads, which no one here can answer, and IF you should contact her again, to which everyone who has replied has said, NO.
If you bow out now, all defensive, you will have defeated the purpose of coming here, which was to get advice. You just didn't get the advice you wanted.
Take a moment and consider that you are not right. Just think about it for a minute.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 08-30-2019 at 12:26 PM..
No. The tracking is per device. All hers. If she is discussing my emails with others repeatedly from 11pm to 5am it means something to. And not sure why the continued snide from everyone. I don't picture her sobbing quietly and in fact would hate that. I simply picture her reading them and getting some solace/peace from my words and knowing I do not in fact hate her and did not in fact forget her. I remember he face when I made her feel happy and safe and that is all I picture and hope for because it made me very glad when I could make her feel like that instead of her usual mania and terror and dark sadness. Again I removed myself from her life utterly, cut off all contact, and walked out of places she knew I'd be when I saw her for months. Her implosion caused that and I'm quite sure losing me from her life was not what she wanted or planned and my words to her were immensely hurtful. I don't want her sobbing reading my letter, I want her healed/healing from any wounds I might have caused and knowing as she did before when it meant a lot to her that I care about her well being and remember her fondly.
I don't think you understand email tracking, sir.
And here I repeat again: you seem to suffer savior complex.
Perhaps you saved her and her usual mania and terror, and dark sadness is gone. Are you a healthcare professional? Or did you assisted her finding one to get a proper evaluation, diagnosis and care? If she was so bad and in a dark place, suicidal and depressed - you should primarily focus to get her proper mental care. No word about this on your post, though.
You got attached to her and cured her mania and terrors with hugs and kisses?
I think you're just missing being her White Knight and a hero. It stroked your ego and you were feeling great about YOURSELF.
The problem is that trying to "save" someone does not allow the other individual to take responsibility for his/her own actions and to develop internal motivation. Did you set boundaries with her that allowed to balance caring for her with trying to "save" her? Maybe you tried to make her dependent on you? Did you show her action steps and coping skills? If yes, it's possible that she is OK now and she doesn't need you anymore. And maybe, just maybe reading your emails is helping her remember her dark past and that she is doing much better now.
It seems that you got attached to her and now suffer emotional loss of a person you could continuously save and care for.
Gods. I don't want her as a gf. Not sure what people are missing here. Everything is not about dating and sex right? To clarify; this was a person I really cared about who was going through some really bad bad times I was there for her for. We had a very deep connection. Her problems caused her to implode. We had horrific right when she did (manic episode?). I said things I regretted in response to her explosion and removed myself completely and I'd say unexpectedly from her life, UTTERLY ignoring her and no-contacting her. It wasn't a high-school break-up. I removed myself from someone's life who was suicidally depressed and drinking herself to death and I was a source of great support and care for her and am POSITIVE my rejection of her deeply wounded her and my abscense in her life as well. I cared for her and care for her. So when I finally got over the pain of the wounds she inflcted and the to be honest trauma of caring for her I reached out to make sure she didn't think I hated her and wished her well. Clearly these meant and mean something as she reads them over and over and over.
Not sure why that needs to be put in some loser-who-can't-move-on-leave-the-poor-girl-alone box.
That wasn't nastiness, that was good, solid advice you should follow.
Look at this way, your ex probably needed an ego boost, so reread the emails. Maybe she was laughing and showing her friends. Maybe she is pining over you. You don't know, you don't NEED to know.
What is healthy for YOU, is to break all contact with her.
No. The tracking is per device. All hers. If she is discussing my emails with others repeatedly from 11pm to 5am it means something to. And not sure why the continued snide from everyone. I don't picture her sobbing quietly and in fact would hate that. I simply picture her reading them and getting some solace/peace from my words and knowing I do not in fact hate her and did not in fact forget her. I remember he face when I made her feel happy and safe and that is all I picture and hope for because it made me very glad when I could make her feel like that instead of her usual mania and terror and dark sadness. Again I removed myself from her life utterly, cut off all contact, and walked out of places she knew I'd be when I saw her for months. Her implosion caused that and I'm quite sure losing me from her life was not what she wanted or planned and my words to her were immensely hurtful. I don't want her sobbing reading my letter, I want her healed/healing from any wounds I might have caused and knowing as she did before when it meant a lot to her that I care about her well being and remember her fondly.
So, assuming all of this is the case. What difference does it make? Do you see some actions you can take? I don't.
So, assuming all of this is the case. What difference does it make? Do you see some actions you can take? I don't.
His point is he knows his emails have been a source of hope and light for her, like a holy Bible that people turn to in times of darkness. That's what I'm getting out of all this
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