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My girlfriend and I have been together now for nearly 10 years. 2 years ago, I began an emotional affair with a Co worker. I then left my girlfriend. We also had a 1 year old baby. I'm not going to go into all the details about our relationship before that but I was miserable and actually felt abused. I dated this Co worker for about 4 months when all of a sudden, I noticed my ex start to resemble the woman I met 8 years before that and who I fell in love with. Seeing her like that pulled me back in and brought up feelings I hadn't felt for her in years.
We started trying to work on things again and the second we decided to do that, she immediately turned right back into what I ran away from. Except now it was worse because now I'm a scumbag cheater. I did my best to stick it out because I want this to work and want to be around my daughter full time. It was so hard because every day all she ever wanted to talk about was what I did. She wanted all of the details and needed to ask the same questions over and over.
We started to see a counselor which helped to some extent. We now have another baby that was just born 3 weeks ago and are living together again so I can be there full time to help with 2 kids. It's been 2 years now since all this happened and last night she brought it up again. Started with "I don't want to start a fight but". Then proceed to talk about me and this other girl and asking questions. I did my best to go with it and talk like normal and answer her questions but I knew it would end in a fight. She started getting angry (and rightfully so) and started to get pretty aggressive with how she was talking to me. I can't imagine being in her position and thinking that me hearing all the details about a sexual relationship would ever be helpful to us moving forward. I'm 100% positive that whatever details I share with her will only make our relationship worse so when she got aggressive and forceful about me answering these questions, I just walked away and said I'm done.
I understand getting through something like this is extremely difficult but I feel like at some point the one who got cheated on needs to make a decision. Either you're going to stick it out and make it work or you're going to leave. I've done everything in my power to make this up to her even though I know that's actually impossible. All I can do is work on the now. I can't change that past but she can't seem to let the past go. I'm absolutely terrified that this is going to be my life. Every 3 weeks or so, I'm going to be forced to sit down with her and have this 5 hour discussion about how terrible I am for the things that I've done. I know what I did was horrible but I'm not living a lifetime punishment for it.
This is what comes of doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. You weren't happy before, you aren't happy now, but for some reason you had another child. Maybe get some counseling for just yourself.
My girlfriend and I have been together now for nearly 10 years. 2 years ago, I began an emotional affair with a Co worker. I then left my girlfriend. We also had a 1 year old baby. I'm not going to go into all the details about our relationship before that but I was miserable and actually felt abused. I dated this Co worker for about 4 months when all of a sudden, I noticed my ex start to resemble the woman I met 8 years before that and who I fell in love with. Seeing her like that pulled me back in and brought up feelings I hadn't felt for her in years.
We started trying to work on things again and the second we decided to do that, she immediately turned right back into what I ran away from. Except now it was worse because now I'm a scumbag cheater. I did my best to stick it out because I want this to work and want to be around my daughter full time. It was so hard because every day all she ever wanted to talk about was what I did. She wanted all of the details and needed to ask the same questions over and over.
We started to see a counselor which helped to some extent. We now have another baby that was just born 3 weeks ago and are living together again so I can be there full time to help with 2 kids. It's been 2 years now since all this happened and last night she brought it up again. Started with "I don't want to start a fight but". Then proceed to talk about me and this other girl and asking questions. I did my best to go with it and talk like normal and answer her questions but I knew it would end in a fight. She started getting angry (and rightfully so) and started to get pretty aggressive with how she was talking to me. I can't imagine being in her position and thinking that me hearing all the details about a sexual relationship would ever be helpful to us moving forward. I'm 100% positive that whatever details I share with her will only make our relationship worse so when she got aggressive and forceful about me answering these questions, I just walked away and said I'm done.
I understand getting through something like this is extremely difficult but I feel like at some point the one who got cheated on needs to make a decision. Either you're going to stick it out and make it work or you're going to leave. I've done everything in my power to make this up to her even though I know that's actually impossible. All I can do is work on the now. I can't change that past but she can't seem to let the past go. I'm absolutely terrified that this is going to be my life. Every 3 weeks or so, I'm going to be forced to sit down with her and have this 5 hour discussion about how terrible I am for the things that I've done. I know what I did was horrible but I'm not living a lifetime punishment for it.
Sounds like you two need a better marriage counselor.
Recovery from infidelity doesn't mean she gets a free pass to grill you for the rest of your lives, and if she's doing that then you two haven't done the work you need to get past that point.
In order to forgive you, she has to give up the idea that the past will be different. But you also have to prove daily that YOU are different too by being a faithful and caring father and ... boyfriend.
Yes, there are things you can do to restore her trust. Your therapist should have gone over that with you. Are you still working with this person you left her for?
Get another marriage counselor and, for Pete's sake, please start using reliable birth control. You two do NOT need to bring any more children into this situation.
This is what comes of doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. You weren't happy before, you aren't happy now, but for some reason you had another child. Maybe get some counseling for just yourself.
How does this lead to just me needing counseling? Believe it or not, this took two of us. I wasn't ready to get back into a sexual relationship with her but she constantly complained that there was no heat in our relationship and wanted to focus on sex in order to fix us. I made the mistake of doing things her way. Not that my children are a mistake. People here seem to think that were doing something wrong with our children but we both love our kids and will do what's best for them whether we're together or not.
Sounds like you two need a better marriage counselor.
Recovery from infidelity doesn't mean she gets a free pass to grill you for the rest of your lives, and if she's doing that then you two haven't done the work you need to get past that point.
In order to forgive you, she has to give up the idea that the past will be different. But you also have to prove daily that YOU are different too by being a faithful and caring father and ... boyfriend.
Yes, there are things you can do to restore her trust. Your therapist should have gone over that with you. Are you still working with this person you left her for?
Get another marriage counselor and, for Pete's sake, please start using reliable birth control. You two do NOT need to bring any more children into this situation.
No, fortunately she no longer works there. We had to stop counseling after about 6 months because the new baby was born. We spent that entire 6 months fighting in front of a mediator so we didn't get very far. Honestly, I think it may have been a step backwards. All my girlfriend wants me to do now is live my life how she sees fit. She puts all kinds of rules in place that I have to follow. My work has corporate events a couple times a year and she hates them. But to be honest, she always hated them. She always hates when I'm having a good time and she's not there. It drives her nuts and we fight every single time I leave her side to go out with people. Which is literally 3-4 times a year and it's with Co workers because I have no actual friends. I moved to Illinois alone so I left all my friends and family behind.
No, fortunately she no longer works there. We had to stop counseling after about 6 months because the new baby was born. We spent that entire 6 months fighting in front of a mediator so we didn't get very far. Honestly, I think it may have been a step backwards. All my girlfriend wants me to do now is live my life how she sees fit. She puts all kinds of rules in place that I have to follow. My work has corporate events a couple times a year and she hates them. But to be honest, she always hated them. She always hates when I'm having a good time and she's not there. It drives her nuts and we fight every single time I leave her side to go out with people. Which is literally 3-4 times a year and it's with Co workers because I have no actual friends. I moved to Illinois alone so I left all my friends and family behind.
Well, part of counseling for recovery from infidelity is that she is allowed to set some rules for you to abide by to get to a comfort zone where she can trust you again. But that stage isn't supposed to go on forever.
You two really need to try again with a relationship counselor and the goal of keeping your relationship together. You both have deficits that need to be addressed by a pro so you can get on the same page, out of a state of emotional debt to each other, and to a place of basic trust so you can work to improve your relationship.
I agree that you would benefit from individual counseling too because 10 years is a LONG time to stay in a mediocre situation, but if you can't afford both then go for relationship therapy. You REALLY need it.
I have to be honest, you both stayed in an unhappy situation and now you have to deal with it/try to make the best of it. You honestly probably should've left before you had the first child, but oh well. What's done is done. If you really want to stick it out for the kids, put some research into finding a good relationship counselor and try to have individuals sessions if it's possible. Other than that, there's really not much else you can do.
Well, part of counseling for recovery from infidelity is that she is allowed to set some rules for you to abide by to get to a comfort zone where she can trust you again. But that stage isn't supposed to go on forever.
You two really need to try again with a relationship counselor and the goal of keeping your relationship together. You both have deficits that need to be addressed by a pro so you can get on the same page, out of a state of emotional debt to each other, and to a place of basic trust so you can work to improve your relationship.
I agree that you would benefit from individual counseling too because 10 years is a LONG time to stay in a mediocre situation, but if you can't afford both then go for relationship therapy. You REALLY need it.
I agree that better counseling would benefit our relationship. Counseling for myself would be odd. I'm not doing to much wrong right now and have only given her literally everything that she is asking for while she ignores and refuses to admit to any of my issues. I'm here every day for her and the kids which was a huge factor for her. I still pay $1100 a month for my apartment that I never go to because she won't actually commit to it but she wants me to live out of the house. I guess she wants to be able to kick me to the curb anytime she wants.
I'm very curious though and trying to stay open minded. What in this story makes you think that I need individual counseling? Not being argumentative...... I'm very good at adapting and giving into situations. I've learned so much about myself through our relationship and have admitted many times to wrongdoing. If I'm doing something wrong, I will admit it and work at it.
I have to be honest, you both stayed in an unhappy situation and now you have to deal with it/try to make the best of it. You honestly probably should've left before you had the first child, but oh well. What's done is done. If you really want to stick it out for the kids, put some research into finding a good relationship counselor and try to have individuals sessions if it's possible. Other than that, there's really not much else you can do.
You're absolutely right! I tell myself that all the time. We were both weak. I was in a weak state because I was alone in a state with no family and friends and I got attached to her, her family and her friends. That made it very difficult for me to walk away.
The truth is we were in a happy place once. She turned very insecure out of nowhere. I think she just hid it very well for a long time. She makes me feel terrible if I ever leave her side. She talks down to me in front of her family and I have no one on my side. I thought these were issues that could be worked out. The talking down one did get worked out. We talked about that one and it never happened again.
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