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So, many couples I see, whether it is RVing, camping, hiking, dancing, traveling, MTB...you get the point.... usually end up doing something together (from what I see)
I was just wondering how important is that for you?
We need to have a lot of overlap in our interests, passions, and hobbies. We still have some separate interests, but the “big” things, we match up on, which was a major point of compatibility for me when I was in the dating scene.
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can you have a functioning relationship if your spouse did not like the same things as you?
I just got out of a relationship where we had really very little in common, in retrospect. Her idea of a good time was dressing to the 9's and going out to fancy restaurants and clubs. My idea of a good time was going to my local dive bar. I love going out on the lake every week and always invited her and she never went, even though we met on the lake. She's just in general a very indoorsy person and I am outdoors all weekend. It took me a very long time to get over the fact that although she was very beautiful, I was always going to be chasing a dream.
So it's back to online dating but at least now I know they have to have my same interests or it won't work.
Like others have said, I think a combination of separate/together interests is the best. My husband and I have that, and I like it. Sometimes we've slowly become more interested in each other's stuff - my husband has lately taken more of an interest in politics and history for instance, and my knowledge of classic rock is much deeper than before I met him! Sometimes it's never going to happen, though - like I'm never going to be super into the NFL and fantasy football and all of that. I'm a casual viewer of football and will stay that way.
One thing that I love about the relationship I had with my late-husband was how we broadened and enlarged each others worlds. When we first met, we could not have been more different and unlikely couple with not much in common at first glance. He was an extroverted outdoors man who loved boats, sailing, and scuba-diving. I was a cerebral introvert/nerd who enjoyed live theater and museums.
I will never forget the first time that I dragged him to see a live Shakespeare play. He accompanied me to the play only because it was my birthday wish. We had front row seats. The opening scene, the curtains part and a completely nude female actor stood center stage directly in front of him, only inches away. Well, well, what do you know, he immediately became a huge fan of live theater! Ha, ha. And he taught me to love the ocean, sailing and scuba diving.
He opened up my world to the things he loved, and I opened up his world too. It was wonderful.
It sounds like you had a WONDERFUL marriage, and I bet that you miss him terribly. (Hugs)
To me, that makes more sense than rejecting a guy for say ... his height. But the lady you mentioned would be considered the crazy one.
Interestingly enough, every female musician I messaged on Match.com did not respond to me, but I got responses from women that pretty much I had nothing in common with.
So you're a musician that's not getting responses from other musicians? If that's the case, that is kind of nature's cruel joke I suppose.
Me being into pop/geek culture , movie buff, etc. I recall some guy on a Facebook group posting about wanting to find a geek gal...some woman responded, "I'm a geek gal, but no one will date me because I' m fat."
I saw her profile pic...and sorry to say, she's right. Not talking chunky or thick either. But to make a geek reference, she'd be eager to wait on Han Solo to arrive at her place in carbonite. (If you get the reference). Thing is geeks, both men and women, tend be caught up in the hype of sugary energy drinks while PC gaming or trading card gaming. That's the draw back of dating geeks, is their dietary habits revolve around sugary snacks. I saw someone's haul posted on FB going to Dragon Con, stashed in their travel case...I was thinking like Peter Venkeman "Look at all the JUNK FOOD!"
It's good when there is at least some overlap in the Venn diagram. And in particular, where it concerns things that are VERY important to one of the partners...although...
An alternative that is ok on some points is: "Well I'm not really into that as of now, but I have an open mind, and would like to learn more if you're willing to share with me?"
Another alternative is: "OK that's really not my thing, but I am completely cool with you going to do that on your own, or with your friends, and staying home myself. Have fun!" (Caveat: You have to actually, really, truly, be cool with it.)
I mean like the woman who was into piloting and scuba diving...if those things are so important to her, that she spends a lot of her free time doing them, and a lot of her discretionary income doing them, and she's like traveling fairly often to do them... That's more than a hobby, that's a lifestyle. And yeah, it's pretty important to have compatibility in terms of lifestyle, and I'm sorry ThisTown123, but it isn't "unhealthy" to be happier alone than with someone who is likely to require you to change things about yourself, and your life, that you currently are happy with and have no desire to change. It is not necessarily unhealthy if someone doesn't prioritize having a romantic partner to the same degree as, say, yourself. But hell, even that is questionable. If a woman demanded that YOU give up your pop culture stuff, or as you say, simply is not into it, never watches movies or TV...then you don't really feel you're going to have enough in common to make a match of it. How are your needs reasonable, but hers are not? Because hers are more rare? I mean, if she ends up alone, it's her row to hoe, man!
But like I am fine with my boyfriend not being into the band I used to travel to see all over the US, my obsession with them has been winding down for the last few years anyways. I will still go see their shows when they're nearby, but I wouldn't dream of trying to get my guy to go. He'd hate it. But the BDSM stuff now, that's more than a sex need by far, because that's my volunteer contributions and my social life, I'm out at the club several times a week, and wanting to travel to conventions and events...so that one, yeah, compatibility in that area is a requirement. Not optional for me.
Only each of us as individuals can decide where we draw these lines.
AGreed on the bolded. I find there are certain hobbies that can fall into the lifestyle vs. just a hobby category. Harley Riders or bikers in general (it's a tribe). Horse enthusiasts...I recall a woman that dated a guy that would always sleep in on a Saturday morning while she was taking care of her horses...she expected him to help...but of course, it'd make sense that he'd not do so as it wasn't his shtick.
I mean, what kind of person wakes up at 5 am on a Saturday morning to help his girlfriend with her horses. Another horse enthusiast. lol
Trying to think of other hobby-specific stuff that people are fanatical about where it becomes more of a lifestyle than just a hobby. I think there are very few though.
I would say a good chunk of the population, although they ride motorcycles...it's not a lifestyle.
I recall the days before the internet where I would see tons of SCUBA gear on sale in the classifieds of people who did that kind of thing for a few years, then lost interest and found interests in other things.
That's the typical American. But it's a unicorn to find someone that keeps on going and going with it. I guess with this woman, these dudes lost interest in the hobby and thus the dissolution of her last 2 marriages.
AGreed on the bolded. I find there are certain hobbies that can fall into the lifestyle vs. just a hobby category. Harley Riders or bikers in general (it's a tribe). Horse enthusiasts...I recall a woman that dated a guy that would always sleep in on a Saturday morning while she was taking care of her horses...she expected him to help...but of course, it'd make sense that he'd not do so as it wasn't his shtick.
I mean, what kind of person wakes up at 5 am on a Saturday morning to help his girlfriend with her horses. Another horse enthusiast. lol
Trying to think of other hobby-specific stuff that people are fanatical about where it becomes more of a lifestyle than just a hobby. I think there are very few though.
I would say a good chunk of the population, although they ride motorcycles...it's not a lifestyle.
I recall the days before the internet where I would see tons of SCUBA gear on sale in the classifieds of people who did that kind of thing for a few years, then lost interest and found interests in other things.
That's the typical American. But it's a unicorn to find someone that keeps on going and going with it. I guess with this woman, these dudes lost interest in the hobby and thus the dissolution of her last 2 marriages.
Right. Though as I said, with some hobbies, even if they are of the lifestyle variety, either the "not that into it" partner can be willing to engage with it to some degree, or else the two people can be ok with spending some time separately.
I would say the hobbies that are mostly done at or near home would be more workable that way. I mean, if one person is really, REALLY into gardening, and the other is fine spending a Saturday alone or with friends, doing their own thing while the gardener gets their dig on, or like someone who loves tinkering in the garage, or working on a train set in the basement. So long as they make enough time to connect, that no one feels completely neglected, it's all good.
And even though I'm never going to be an enthusiast for musicals and certain classic films, I'm willing to sit through one now and then with my guy because he loves them. And he has expanded my music tastes quite a lot...it's really fantastic when someone you love shares something new with you and it turns out you're really into it! I didn't even know that steampunk music was a thing, before he got me listening to Abney Park. Now they're one of my favorite bands!
So you're a musician that's not getting responses from other musicians? If that's the case, that is kind of nature's cruel joke I suppose.
Me being into pop/geek culture , movie buff, etc. I recall some guy on a Facebook group posting about wanting to find a geek gal...some woman responded, "I'm a geek gal, but no one will date me because I' m fat."
I saw her profile pic...and sorry to say, she's right. Not talking chunky or thick either. But to make a geek reference, she'd be eager to wait on Han Solo to arrive at her place in carbonite. (If you get the reference). Thing is geeks, both men and women, tend be caught up in the hype of sugary energy drinks while PC gaming or trading card gaming. That's the draw back of dating geeks, is their dietary habits revolve around sugary snacks. I saw someone's haul posted on FB going to Dragon Con, stashed in their travel case...I was thinking like Peter Venkeman "Look at all the JUNK FOOD!"
A lot 30 and 40-something diabetics.
I think for women, common interests means less than men.
Men are more driven by activities, think life revolves around activities, goals, and making strides in something ... say getting better at golf.
Women are more driven by communication and emotions.
As far as the geek thing, it is much more popular for younger women to be into geeky pursuits these days. I see women at comic and horror conventions and a lot of them are attractive.
I think for women, common interests means less than men.
Men are more driven by activities, think life revolves around activities, goals, and making strides in something ... say getting better at golf.
Women are more driven by communication and emotions.
As far as the geek thing, it is much more popular for younger women to be into geeky pursuits these days. I see women at comic and horror conventions and a lot of them are attractive.
Ah. But what if communication/emotions becomes a woman's lifestyle and hobby? I know women like myself who are VERY involved in volunteerism. I've pursued it to the point that I was placed in a role of leadership, so it takes up a lot of my time. But a great deal of it is networking with other people, near and far, which is something that I'm very good at.
As far as "men do things, women just sit around talking about their feelings" which is kinda what your comment looks like there, a bit... Gotta say, as a woman, I've struggled to make time for "doing things" that are solely for my own gratification. Like, say, golf. Or video games. I've been busy carrying the greater burden of housekeeping and child raising, while also working full time, rather than having spare time to do things I simply wanted to do, during large portions of my life. And I think that if the 24/7 job of keeping up the home is not inordinately in the hands of a woman, she will often do a great deal more than just "communicate and feel"...or in other words, do work that isn't recognized as work at all.
And men wonder that some number of women are content to opt out of dating and/or live childfree lifestyles. Freakin' thankless, I tell ya.
I also think that there are times where two people might share something creative that they treat as a hobby interest and it can be an incompatibility for a relationship depending on the personalities involved. I'm thinking of how I am a very part time artist, but when I'm engaged in a project, I am very engaged. And I don't collaborate well. I don't want my art project to be a team effort, pretty much ever. My ex often used to drive me crazy, even if he had no expertise in whatever I was doing, he'd come and butt in and try to tell me how to do it. It felt like he wanted to hijack my project, and then look back at me like "I did good, I did good right?" and get pats on the head, and then scamper about to all of our friends getting all the credit from them, too. He couldn't let me just have something that was mine, ever. We had frequent territorial disputes over many things, and my creative projects were one of them.
My fiance, in contrast, is not an artist, he encourages me and gives me supplies, and is supportive of my efforts. And I'm very happy with that. But it's still hard to find the time and energy to work on art.
I think for women, common interests means less than men.
Men are more driven by activities, think life revolves around activities, goals, and making strides in something ... say getting better at golf.
Women are more driven by communication and emotions.
As far as the geek thing, it is much more popular for younger women to be into geeky pursuits these days. I see women at comic and horror conventions and a lot of them are attractive.
How about a stereotype that does not resonate with me At All. I know a lot of men whose favorite activity is sitting on ass.
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but at least now I know they have to have my same interests or it won't work.
