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Seems to me that your father in law is just the tip of the iceberg. Your husband seems like he is too passive in everything. It is a character flaw - I don't think you can change that.
You either stand up for yourself (and your children) and wear the pants in the house or you need to leave.
I don't know, it's hard I guess. It's kind of like how we teach kids, if someone is bullying them just walk away (and I don't necessarily agree with that, by the way). Speaking up would have been better but I think I was trying to be on my best behavior at the in-laws house. So I just tried to back away and avoid the situation
And yet you expect your husband to do something on your behalf...
A father can be a horrible person, criminal, lecherous, what ever... but he never stops being a father. Maybe a bad one. But he is the only father your husband knows. Good or bad, his father has been a factor in your husbands whole life... longer than you have been and you have put him in a position of choosing between the two of you. Does your husbands response mean he loves the father more than you? No, not at all. He simply handled the situation in the way he thought best knowing who is father is.
I am not excusing the behavior of the father. I am trying to say stop playing the victim. Understand the situation for what it is and take action with the full knowledge who the people are that you are dealing with. Stop trying to make them something different.
For all intents and purposes, you can't rely on your husband to "handle things".
For all intents and purposes, your choice now is to accept that, or not.
For all intents and purposes, if he makes up for it in other ways, then you have to go forward knowing that YOU have to take charge of your interactions with your step-dad and your child's school officials. But getting him into marriage counseling to talk it over would probably be the best idea.
I think you are right about the poor conflict resolution skills but when he seemingly chooses to live with his fathers bad behaviour over my well being, it really does feel like dis-loyalty
Have you ever thought about confronting your FIL yourself and then dealing with any fall-out after the fact?
I have a BIL that more and more, I can't stand. The man dances all over my nerves. My husband knows this, but yet...still invites him (and his wife) out to the country with us from time to time. I keep saying that one of these days, I'll just tell my husband "You and your brother go by yourselves. Your brother always ruins the weekends he comes out, and I'm tired of him. But if you want his company, go for it. I'll stay home."
Should've done it a long time ago, but I haven't yet. Maybe I will the next time my husband invites him. We'll see.
Family dynamics are a weird thing. My husband is usually protective of me, but somehow his brother's relationship trumps mine. Seems like I should take the bull by the horns and deal with it my way, since my husband won't deal with it.
And I'm not even blaming my husband...like I said, family dynamics is a weird and complicated thing. But if I don't want to deal with BIL...I guess I gotta take care of it.
It seems husband is oblivious to or ignoring the creep factor of the father-in-law. That would be the reasoning for husband not addressing the issue with the father-in-law.
It takes not going to resolve the issue, or force your hand. Don’t be afraid to do that.
Someone asked me what my function at family gathering is. My response “the one who doesn’t show up.”
We need specific examples. You just come here with wishy washy statements, expecting sympathy and we should be bashing your husband. We need to know what EXACTLY the FIL said to see if you are overreacting or have a valid claim.
I wish I'd just taken my son and left their house when my soon to be fil made me angry. I didn't and ended up marrying my ex and was miserable for years.
I applaud you for not subjecting yourself to your fils behavior. Just an opinion, but when your husband says you're being unsocial, one response could be, When your father starts acting like an appropriate human being I will think about interacting with your family. Until then, forget it. "
I think you are right about the poor conflict resolution skills but when he seemingly chooses to live with his fathers bad behaviour over my well being, it really does feel like dis-loyalty
I can see that and I empathize. Your husband should be on YOUR team, because that is how you treat your partner.
I see you and your husband as both being in the wrong. He should have addressed the issue with his father when you said you were being made uncomfortable. But without knowing exactly what behavior you are having problems with, I can guess that maybe your husband doesn't see it as being as vile or out of line that you seem to be expressing. Maybe he feels you should be able to take care of the issue yourself. I think you should be telling the FIL if you feel his behavior to you is unexceptable. And there's no reason you can't tell him in front of your husband and all the other relatives if that is when and where the behavior takes place.
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