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Confidence comes from knowing what worked and what didn't and not blaming others for when something didn't work. However, for a person like me who watches people from a distance, you may not get immediate feedback when you do something. Therefore, you have to believe what you are doing is the best you can do. If it is not, change it immediately.
I would never recommend asking women from the past who rejected you what you did wrong. And I don't believe in deluding yourself into believing that it's ALL them, that there's nothing at all that you could possibly be doing that makes you unable to connect with someone in a romantic and sexual way.
If you do have good friends (not those who may be failed love interests), you certainly could get feedback from those true friends you trust and who know you best. It kinda sounds like you have tried to make some of them more than friends?
Well most rejections I get are the "i like you more as a friend" type. But I don't think I could handle having a failed love interest as a friend.
All my friends are friends. And it's not like I have 20 female friends . One i talk with very often and one that just hangs out with all my friends and me
Well I did have to break up with this one girl I wrote about in my first post. We were together for 3 months, but it didnt work out.
And your goal wasn't to make her feel bad about herself, lose her self-confidence. It just didn't work out.
I am not saying cheer when you have been rejected. Being rejected is hard but you pick yourself back up and get something else done that is good for yourself.
And your goal wasn't to make her feel bad about herself, lose her self-confidence. It just didn't work out.
I am not saying cheer when you have been rejected. Being rejected is hard but you pick yourself back up and get something else done that is good for yourself.
I didnt say it was their goal to hurt me. They probably tried letting me down easy instead of just telling me straight, but it was mistaken by me as something honest, so, for example, when my last girlfriend said how she's breaking up with me because she's unsure about what she wants, it basicaly meant "I just wanna break up, but Im not sure how to do it". And I, took it as a honest answer so I basicaly kept making a fool out of myself by trying to revive something that's already announced dead. Not just did I get hurt, but I also did my very best to deepen the pain as much as possible.
But this post wasnt about them at all.. I've lived past everything that happened, I just wrote it as an example so you can see what chain of events made me lose my self confidence and interest in dating. I'm somebody who takes every (not just romantic) failure to heart. Not in the way I cry myself to sleep every night, but in the way that makes me every next try a little more insecure about myself. You can guess, after all what's happened, it came to a point of total insecurity. To the point where I question everything I do or say. That's why I simply stopped trying to date at all, and I felt so good for years. But lately I have a psychological problem where I really wanna find someone to date, but at the same time I dont, because I think I will get rejected in advance and I dont want to go trough that stuff again. Those two feelings are constantly fighting in my head and in the last few days it's just been constant thinking, to the point where I feel really down
I didnt say it was their goal to hurt me. They probably tried letting me down easy instead of just telling me straight, but it was mistaken by me as something honest, so, for example, when my last girlfriend said how she's breaking up with me because she's unsure about what she wants, it basicaly meant "I just wanna break up, but Im not sure how to do it". And I, took it as a honest answer so I basicaly kept making a fool out of myself by trying to revive something that's already announced dead. Not just did I get hurt, but I also did my very best to deepen the pain as much as possible.
But this post wasnt about them at all.. I've lived past everything that happened, I just wrote it as an example so you can see what chain of events made me lose my self confidence and interest in dating. I'm somebody who takes every (not just romantic) failure to heart. Not in the way I cry myself to sleep every night, but in the way that makes me every next try a little more insecure about myself. You can guess, after all what's happened, it came to a point of total insecurity. To the point where I question everything I do or say. That's why I simply stopped trying to date at all, and I felt so good for years. But lately I have a psychological problem where I really wanna find someone to date, but at the same time I dont, because I think I will get rejected in advance and I dont want to go trough that stuff again. Those two feelings are constantly fighting in my head and in the last few days it's just been constant thinking, to the point where I feel really down
ST1994, what you are going through is not unheard of. You are experiencing a challenge. Now your response matters. That is how your confidence builds. It is your response to challenges that gets rejected or not. A challenge can be presented as small as your date saying "I don't really like that" or "That's not my cup of tea." If you are doing the best you can, then you have to find somebody who agrees with your response to challenges. But if you can change your response, then by all means, do so.
I know that you moved on from past rejections. But I wanted to let you know that "I'm unsure" does not always mean "I just wanna break up, but I'm not sure how to do it." It could mean what you say, but not always. What you are doing is speculating and your speculation is bringing you down.
When somebody says "I'm unsure" or any other feeling that indicates less than happiness, it means that the person is facing a challenge. It is up to them to resolve that challenge and for us to give them space to do it. We also have to set up the conditions, for example, while the other person is figuring things out, you continue dating. It is not up to us to solve their problem by changing who we are or by trying harder. That would be my response to somebody who says "I'm unsure."
But I wanted to let you know that "I'm unsure" does not always mean "I just wanna break up, but I'm not sure how to do it." It could mean what you say, but not always. What you are doing is speculating and your speculation is bringing you down.
Yeah, I understand that, but in this specific case it did. As I said, it turned out she already has been texting someone else and later on started dating him. She said she was unsure about what she wants.. to me it is obvious that she wasnt. She was pretty sure that it was him over me. And I have no problems with that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02
When somebody says "I'm unsure" or any other feeling that indicates less than happiness, it means that the person is facing a challenge. It is up to them to resolve that challenge and for us to give them space to do it. We also have to set up the conditions, for example, while the other person is figuring things out, you continue dating. It is not up to us to solve their problem by changing who we are or by trying harder. That would be my response to somebody who says "I'm unsure."
In this particular case, I'm not sure that would be possible. I can't be in a relationship with somebody without having strong feelings towards that person. I did it once and it didnt work out all. On the other hand, when I have strong feelings towards somebody, i can't do the same with a different person.. That's just how I am.
I just cant imagine myself dating other women, while the one I kinda care about is figuring things out or "figuring things out".
Yeah, I understand that, but in this specific case it did. As I said, it turned out she already has been texting someone else and later on started dating him. She said she was unsure about what she wants.. to me it is obvious that she wasnt. She was pretty sure that it was him over me. And I have no problems with that.
In this particular case, I'm not sure that would be possible. I can't be in a relationship with somebody without having strong feelings towards that person. I did it once and it didnt work out all. On the other hand, when I have strong feelings towards somebody, i can't do the same with a different person.. That's just how I am.
I just cant imagine myself dating other women, while the one I kinda care about is figuring things out or "figuring things out".
That's fine. I was just giving an example. I notice you still haven't given an alternative response to this conflict other than letting your confidence take a beating.
Yeah, because I'm not sure what to do now.. I tried moving on after my last relationship, but it didn't work. I was taking a break until I forgot about everything. Then I tried something else, but it also didnt go too well even though I was sure it would be my ticket out of this mess. After that I pretty much didnt do anything for 3 years and that was obviously a mistake, because I let all that negative stuff sink in and now I'm feeling like someone who's chasing his first ever crush.
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. One i talk with very often and one that just hangs out with all my friends and me
