I don't know what to do about my confidence (dating, boyfriend, how to)

[ST1994]

As this is my first post on this forum, I'd like to say hello to everybody here
I just randomly found out about this forum, so I decided to share something with you because I REALLY need to get it all off my chest.

It's pretty much about my confidence whwn meeting women, because it's currently at an all time low and I'm not really sure how to handle the situation, so I figured: why not ask for opinions from people that I don't know So whoever loves reading, here's a long story:

I've never been an overly confident person, but due to a long history of, mostly, rejections and a couple of hurtful break-ups, my confidence is pretty much non existent now.
Every event that happened just killed it a little bit more, until it hit rock bottom, meaning that today I barely have any interest in dating women and even if I do, I just don't know what to do. I just can't seem to be myself and it can take days, even months until I come out of my shell and finally start being myself completely. These are the events that in my opinion had the most part on ruining my confidence.

It all started years and years ago in high school (I'm 25 now). I was completely in love with this girl.. later I found out she was attracted to my best friend. They even started seeing each other soon after that.
My friend did ask me if it was okay with me and I answered yes, even though I wasn't ok. I was really hurt but I didn't want to stand in the way. "if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be", you know.. He was still my best friend even though it meant that I had to be a third wheel to my best friend and my crush.
It wasn't really a long relationship they had, just a couple of months. There were some pretty tough moments that really hit my confidence hard, but I still managed to get over it in the meantime.
Just over a year later I started talking to this girl from my school. We had a couple of conversations and they were all going really smoothly, up until the point where I tried to take the next step towards confessing my attraction to her. She just said that she wanted me as a friend and that she's actually in love with that same friend of mine, so she was thinking I could hook them up. Boy, did that smack me hard, like a train running in full speed right into my face. It was that last year's stuff happening all over again, especially when he came to me asking if it was ok with me, blabla, it was like deja vu.
I really wanted to say 'yeah', but I just couldn't. I said I'm sorry, but I just don't know how to handle last year's drama all over again. I'm not ready for that emotionaly. He said that it was ok and that he understands. I was kinda happy and sad at the same time, until we went on an 7 day long school trip and without suspecting anything I ran into them holding hands. I was completely broken, to the point where I couldn't even speak to him anymore. Ever.
All that stuff made me question everything about myself. The way I look, the way I talk, walk - EVERYTHING. My confidence was just getting lower with time. After that I dated this girl for 3 months but it was a horror. Because my confidence was so low, it made me jump into a relationship without even getting to know the girl. Her actually about me, was enough. Later it ended up falling apart and even though I was happy about the break-up it still didn't do any good for my confidence.

It all continued 4 years ago in college. I was living in a dorm and when you live in the same building with 200 other people that are close to your age, it's really easy to socialize. It did kinda boost my confidence a little bit, but not significantly. In the meantime I met this really attractive girl. She was so attractive that I was just talking to her as a friend, thinking she was WAY out of my league. She happened to be a relative of my childhood friend (that's how we met). We had a really fun and long conversation and later that day she wrote to me that she would like to hang out again sometime. Next time, it all just continued to go smoothly. Everything was clicking right into it's place and eventually, later, we started dating.
I finally thought this was it. Every next date was just more and more interesting than the last one.
All that, until we hit the 1 month mark. I was still trying my best, but she was getting colder and colder and I couldn't see the reason why. I did everything I could to prove her that I care about her, without scaring her off. We was supposed to talk it out and find the issue. I was supposed to meet her in town after she's done at her college. I ended up bathing in rain for 4 hours, because her phone was dead and I didn't want to leave, thinking that she had stuff to do and that she'll show up. She never did.
Just 2 days later she broke up with me. She said I was a great guy and all that, and that the reason was her not being sure what she actually wants in life. I said alright. I will give you space, but I still decided to show her that I care and that I'm willing to wait for her to make up her mind. We still continued to talk from time to time. Not even 10 days later, I found out that she has a new boyfriend, and what's even worse they were texting and seeing eachother while we were dating.
That completely killed me off..

For the last 4 years I only tried dating one more girl (didn't end well ) and that was 3 years ago.
For the last 3 years I havent been dating or trying to date anyone. I feel like I would break down completely if anything like that would happen again.. I don't have 0.1% of confidence anymore and even if I meet someone nice, I literally just give up before even trying anything.
I was actually okay with it, for years. I loved living the single life. But now it doesn't feel so good anymore. You know, you miss having somebody that cares about you. But on the other side my confidence is still so low that I'm too afraid to try anything with anybody.
Now I find myself in an impasse, not knowing where to go or what to do.

For those who were bored enough to read this tl;dr ...
any opinons how I could make myself better?

[Katnan]

Confidence doesn't come from other people, it comes from within you. You're having trouble with it because you're seeking it in the wrong places.

I hate to sound glib but I recommend speaking to someone, because most people don't just snap out of this mindset without a little outside help and direction on how to improve their lives.

[ST1994]

You are right, I figured that was the only option.

I cant really talk to friends about it. Literally all my friends are in long and, for the most part, happy relationships. And yet here I am, 25 years old and never actually felt loved back.
Well, except that one month with my ex, when everything was going well.
So, about the confidence part.. It's true that it comes from within me, but the problem is that all these past events just made me realize that it must have been me.
Because, as I can see, I am the only common thing for all this stuff that happened. Different girls, with different personalities and in different times of our lives.
That's what crushes my confidence so hard.
The problem is that I want to fix it, whatever it is, but I cant figure out what the problem is.

[funymann]

Well, your friend was a douche. Yeah, he might have been more attractive but he should never have dated that girl.

Anyways, you just have to start by striking up a conversation. Talk about everything but hot hot she looks. Ask what she likes to do for fun. Listen to her. Comment on what she is saying.

I don’t know why that girl out of your league left you but it’s the dreaded leaving for another guy thing.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by Katnan

Confidence doesn't come from other people, it comes from within you. You're having trouble with it because you're seeking it in the wrong places.

I hate to sound glib but I recommend speaking to someone, because most people don't just snap out of this mindset without a little outside help and direction on how to improve their lives.

I disagree - confidence doesn't come from within.

It comes from whether or not you typically experience success with a facet of your life.

If typically, in baseball, you can hit the ball when you swing, you get very confident.

If you're a salesman, and typically, you are able to sell a lot of product and meet sales goals, you become confident.

In this case, he hasn't had a successful relationship despite a lot of trying and feeling like initially he was going to succeed.

And that's why he completely lacks confidence. Because in his experience, everything he's tried at really hard, relationship-wise, has failed.

It's not about coming from within, which doesn't happen, it's about taking feedback realistically.

OP - my guess is, you're either going after girls who are kind of fickle and difficult, or you're doing something early in a relationship that's turning otherwise promising looking relationships off.

I think I would call one or two of the women and ask sincerely that they tell you what happened, and don't argue with them. Just listen.

Best wishes.

[Oceanside_M]

Regardless of where it comes from, you're going to have to pull yourself together. The waffling about and over-analysis is off-putting. Please don't do that around your dates. Open communication is fine as long as there's good conversation flowing. I think you may be acting a bit desperate or engaging in behaviours that turn people off. These women certainly found something about you attractive at the start. I'd reckon there's something about your personality that's turning them off.

I'd dig deeper and look into why you're so insecure. You may also be trying too hard to please your partners and being too much of a 'yes man' (saying yes to everything your partner says or wants).

Yes, confidence comes from within. It comes from convictions that you have, personal beliefs, ideas that you have about yourself, others around you and I agree that it also comes from external affirmations and ideas about success or perceived successes. All of these combine and add to a person's self-worth. The large majority though is YOUR synthesis of what you are and what you think you are in relation to the world around you. If you THINK you're a failure, you will exhibit all the traits of a failure.

[Natalia93]

Originally Posted by ST1994

As this is my first post on this forum, I'd like to say hello to everybody here
I just randomly found out about this forum, so I decided to share something with you because I REALLY need to get it all off my chest.

It's pretty much about my confidence whwn meeting women, because it's currently at an all time low and I'm not really sure how to handle the situation, so I figured: why not ask for opinions from people that I don't know So whoever loves reading, here's a long story:

I've never been an overly confident person, but due to a long history of, mostly, rejections and a couple of hurtful break-ups, my confidence is pretty much non existent now.
Every event that happened just killed it a little bit more, until it hit rock bottom, meaning that today I barely have any interest in dating women and even if I do, I just don't know what to do. I just can't seem to be myself and it can take days, even months until I come out of my shell and finally start being myself completely. These are the events that in my opinion had the most part on ruining my confidence.

It all started years and years ago in high school (I'm 25 now). I was completely in love with this girl.. later I found out she was attracted to my best friend. They even started seeing each other soon after that.
My friend did ask me if it was okay with me and I answered yes, even though I wasn't ok. I was really hurt but I didn't want to stand in the way. "if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be", you know.. He was still my best friend even though it meant that I had to be a third wheel to my best friend and my crush.
It wasn't really a long relationship they had, just a couple of months. There were some pretty tough moments that really hit my confidence hard, but I still managed to get over it in the meantime.
Just over a year later I started talking to this girl from my school. We had a couple of conversations and they were all going really smoothly, up until the point where I tried to take the next step towards confessing my attraction to her. She just said that she wanted me as a friend and that she's actually in love with that same friend of mine, so she was thinking I could hook them up. Boy, did that smack me hard, like a train running in full speed right into my face. It was that last year's stuff happening all over again, especially when he came to me asking if it was ok with me, blabla, it was like deja vu.
I really wanted to say 'yeah', but I just couldn't. I said I'm sorry, but I just don't know how to handle last year's drama all over again. I'm not ready for that emotionaly. He said that it was ok and that he understands. I was kinda happy and sad at the same time, until we went on an 7 day long school trip and without suspecting anything I ran into them holding hands. I was completely broken, to the point where I couldn't even speak to him anymore. Ever.
All that stuff made me question everything about myself. The way I look, the way I talk, walk - EVERYTHING. My confidence was just getting lower with time. After that I dated this girl for 3 months but it was a horror. Because my confidence was so low, it made me jump into a relationship without even getting to know the girl. Her actually about me, was enough. Later it ended up falling apart and even though I was happy about the break-up it still didn't do any good for my confidence.

It all continued 4 years ago in college. I was living in a dorm and when you live in the same building with 200 other people that are close to your age, it's really easy to socialize. It did kinda boost my confidence a little bit, but not significantly. In the meantime I met this really attractive girl. She was so attractive that I was just talking to her as a friend, thinking she was WAY out of my league. She happened to be a relative of my childhood friend (that's how we met). We had a really fun and long conversation and later that day she wrote to me that she would like to hang out again sometime. Next time, it all just continued to go smoothly. Everything was clicking right into it's place and eventually, later, we started dating.
I finally thought this was it. Every next date was just more and more interesting than the last one.
All that, until we hit the 1 month mark. I was still trying my best, but she was getting colder and colder and I couldn't see the reason why. I did everything I could to prove her that I care about her, without scaring her off. We was supposed to talk it out and find the issue. I was supposed to meet her in town after she's done at her college. I ended up bathing in rain for 4 hours, because her phone was dead and I didn't want to leave, thinking that she had stuff to do and that she'll show up. She never did.
Just 2 days later she broke up with me. She said I was a great guy and all that, and that the reason was her not being sure what she actually wants in life. I said alright. I will give you space, but I still decided to show her that I care and that I'm willing to wait for her to make up her mind. We still continued to talk from time to time. Not even 10 days later, I found out that she has a new boyfriend, and what's even worse they were texting and seeing eachother while we were dating.
That completely killed me off..

For the last 4 years I only tried dating one more girl (didn't end well ) and that was 3 years ago.
For the last 3 years I havent been dating or trying to date anyone. I feel like I would break down completely if anything like that would happen again.. I don't have 0.1% of confidence anymore and even if I meet someone nice, I literally just give up before even trying anything.
I was actually okay with it, for years. I loved living the single life. But now it doesn't feel so good anymore. You know, you miss having somebody that cares about you. But on the other side my confidence is still so low that I'm too afraid to try anything with anybody.
Now I find myself in an impasse, not knowing where to go or what to do.

For those who were bored enough to read this tl;dr ...
any opinons how I could make myself better?

I know exactly how you feel I've had some terrible experiences aswell. One after another. I've been single for a longgggggg time too.

What you've got to remember is, what happened to you has nothing to do with you as a person but everything to do with them. This is how i look at my own experiences. Never apologise for being who you are. If someone likes you they like you if they don't and decide to cheat on you with your friends or whatever. Who cares.They are not nice people and are not good enough for you anyway. Agreed?

Confidence also will come with time. In time you will grow as a person and your perspectives will change godwilling. Even as you meet different people. You will see not evry One is the same and that will open your eyes to new possibilities. And will not give an ounce of care about those past individuals. You are also still young. Time is on your side. I assure you things will get better. But for now you do you

[homina12]

Originally Posted by ClaraC

I disagree - confidence doesn't come from within.

It comes from whether or not you typically experience success with a facet of your life.

If typically, in baseball, you can hit the ball when you swing, you get very confident.

If you're a salesman, and typically, you are able to sell a lot of product and meet sales goals, you become confident.

In this case, he hasn't had a successful relationship despite a lot of trying and feeling like initially he was going to succeed.

And that's why he completely lacks confidence. Because in his experience, everything he's tried at really hard, relationship-wise, has failed.

It's not about coming from within, which doesn't happen, it's about taking feedback realistically.

OP - my guess is, you're either going after girls who are kind of fickle and difficult, or you're doing something early in a relationship that's turning otherwise promising looking relationships off.

I think I would call one or two of the women and ask sincerely that they tell you what happened, and don't argue with them. Just listen.

Best wishes.

I think ClaraC is right as far as this comment goes. There is another side to confidence, though, or perhaps another way to look at it.

I don't know you OP and I can't tell from your few comments exactly how you define confidence, but when I was younger I viewed confidence as something like armor that would protect me from being wounded. If that's confidence, I never developed it. I've learned that for me anyway confidence is more about believing that if I get wounded, I can figure out how to heal. I can heal myself, or get help if need be, but I can come out of experiences whole and perhaps having learned something.

Using ClaraC's baseball analogy, good hitters make outs about 70% of the time. Most good hitters are good because they can cope with those failures without blaming others or getting down on themselves. They watch themselves on tape to see if they're making some sort of mistake in their approach, and if they are they change it, and if not they keep trying.

Confidence can be knowing that you can handle whatever outcome you get. This can be really freeing and healthy, because it makes you responsible for a part of the process, your reactions, that you can almost entirely control.

[ST1994]

Hey folks, thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it. I've been busy with work, so I wasnt able to reply, but I have been reading them.

@ClaraC - Great explanation of confidence.
I don't know, I might just be bad at reading people. I don't really ask for much, I just need somebody honest and lovely. I'm not really outgoing, so I just need a partner.
On the other part, it's a good idea to ask them for a sincere opinion, but honestly I'd rather just avoid talking to any of them.

@Oceanside_M - I haven't been doing that around my dates, as I haven't been dating for 4 years nor tried to date in the last 3. I never acted desperate to my previous dates, I'm kind of a person who keeps it all inside. That's why I had to find a place like this to share it with somebody, when it started to get too much.
I also think that it's something in my personality, but I cant figure out what's wrong.. But then, I don't seem to have problems making friends, both male and female. Everyone wants to be a friend and nothing else.

@Natalia93 - I'm sorry you've had experiences like this. I wouldnt wish it to anybody, really I'm really starting to doubt it comes with time, because this is going on for way longer than I hoped it would..
I actually don't care about those past individuals. They hurt for a while, but that feeling doesnt stay long with me. It just leaves a scar, like, I dont think about them, but when I see them, it's not really fine. But what's most important, it leaves a scar on me as a person. I understand that they are the ones that messed up, but it constantly makes me think of what I did to cause it or what I could've done to prevent it. That's what's messing my confidence up, but I can't seem to help myself.

@homina12 - That's a great way of thinking and I wish I could just snap out of this mindset into that one. But..
Even if you put it into that baseball analogy, it's good when you build confidence all the way into those 70%, but how to build confidence if your hit-rate is barely 10% right from the start. I mean you'd start questioning lots and LOTS of stuff

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by ST1994

I don't seem to have problems making friends, both male and female. Everyone wants to be a friend and nothing else.

I would never recommend asking women from the past who rejected you what you did wrong. And I don't believe in deluding yourself into believing that it's ALL them, that there's nothing at all that you could possibly be doing that makes you unable to connect with someone in a romantic and sexual way.

If you do have good friends (not those who may be failed love interests), you certainly could get feedback from those true friends you trust and who know you best. It kinda sounds like you have tried to make some of them more than friends?