Is my fiancé being misogynistic? (wife, marry, women, love)

[Zbh]

Hi everyone, I’ve been self reflecting on mundo relationship and I’d like to ask people their opinion.
As a quick background, me and my fiancé got engaged a couple of months back, and when he broke the news to his dad, his answer was: remember what I told you when you were 15y/o, don’t trust women. Don’t marry them and don’t let them take advantage of you. But you do what you think is best.
Now, I know his dad used to beat his mom, and what my now fiancé told me was that it’s just how his dad was also brought up. My fiancé has had problems controlling his temper, and things have gotten out of hand between us.
Today, he cane back from a business trip and we had a silly argument when we were sitting. Close to each other (but not next to each other) and he said, come here, I’ll give you a hug. To which I replied, no, you come here! Why should I go over there? And this is where he said... because you’re a woman and you have to do as I say!
So I got quite upset, stood up and left to the other room. He came, he apologized, but I still wanted to talk about it because to me, it was a very misogynistic statement which I wanted to address. And then he said: you want to talk about important things? Then let’s talk about the fact that I came back from a Buson trip today and you didn’t even cook for me!
Then we continued arguing, since he said he was really tired and I didn’t do anything for him, except that I had. I spent the whole morning doing the laundry, cleaning the sheets, swiping and vacuuming the house, etc.
Maybe I am wrong and I failed him as his fiancé, but at times I’m scared that he will continue to resemble his dad more and more and I’ll end up marrying someone that doesn’t share my principles. Any thoughts on this?

[AdamAnythe]

Sounds like a nightmare.

My fiancé has had problems controlling his temper, and things have gotten out of hand between us.

What happened? He sounds very very old fashioned and sexist as far as expecting you to be obedient. You two sound completely incompatible.

[Scarlett.O'Hara]

When you say "things got out of hand", do you mean that he put his hands on you in a violent manner?

There are a lot of things you have described that are really concerning. Yes, I think you do have reason to believe he is going to become like his Dad. He is already showing you what you can expect.

He has grown up with an abuser has his primary male role model. A man who beat his mother, instilled misogynistic principles, and a mistrust of all women.

To add to that, your fiance has a bad temper. These are all very bad signs.

If you decide to stay with him, you need premarital counselling with a trained professional, and address all these concerns and discuss what your expectations are of each other in marriage.

Personally, I wouldn't want to take the risk of marrying him regardless, but that is your choice.

[reebo]

Run. This is no way to spend your life.

[funymann]

Originally Posted by Zbh

Hi everyone, I’ve been self reflecting on mundo relationship and I’d like to ask people their opinion.
As a quick background, me and my fiancé got engaged a couple of months back, and when he broke the news to his dad, his answer was: remember what I told you when you were 15y/o, don’t trust women. Don’t marry them and don’t let them take advantage of you. But you do what you think is best.
Now, I know his dad used to beat his mom, and what my now fiancé told me was that it’s just how his dad was also brought up. My fiancé has had problems controlling his temper, and things have gotten out of hand between us.
Today, he cane back from a business trip and we had a silly argument when we were sitting. Close to each other (but not next to each other) and he said, come here, I’ll give you a hug. To which I replied, no, you come here! Why should I go over there? And this is where he said... because you’re a woman and you have to do as I say!
So I got quite upset, stood up and left to the other room. He came, he apologized, but I still wanted to talk about it because to me, it was a very misogynistic statement which I wanted to address. And then he said: you want to talk about important things? Then let’s talk about the fact that I came back from a Buson trip today and you didn’t even cook for me!
Then we continued arguing, since he said he was really tired and I didn’t do anything for him, except that I had. I spent the whole morning doing the laundry, cleaning the sheets, swiping and vacuuming the house, etc.
Maybe I am wrong and I failed him as his fiancé, but at times I’m scared that he will continue to resemble his dad more and more and I’ll end up marrying someone that doesn’t share my principles. Any thoughts on this?

I’m glad you left.

Now leave him for good. It will only get worse.

[elnina]

Yeah, it sounds like life with him will be his way and he wouldn't hesitate to use force to "teach" his woman ways to be obedient.

[Formerly Known As Twenty]

Is your fiancé from a patriarchal culture or background where a man who treats his wife and children in this manner is simply considered to be doing his duty as a man and "head of the household?"

Even if he's not, it's going to be difficult if not nigh onto impossible for him to not slip into his father's line of thought and poor behavior towards the woman in his life.

Marrying or staying with him---is this a risk worth taking knowing that he doesn't seem like he's going to be the sort of person who will break a generational pattern of abuse?

[Carly1983]

I remember reading about a study they did on the roots of abuse in relationships between men and women (where the man was abusing the woman.)

Their findings were that it is rooted in learned misogyny -- most abusers grow up watching their father disrespect their mother, and learn either directly or indirectly that women are not worth respecting.

The study is cited in the book by Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That?'

Personally I'd run in the opposite direction.

[somebodynew]

Your finance is showing you who he is. Believe him. And RUN.

[Mr. Ryu]

Oh boy! Another one of those so obvious what the answer is but hey let me get the opinion of strangers. Ok, here goes.

You should end the engagement. Life is too short for a life long experiment which your fiance and relationship will be. Your fiance's upbringing was a troublesome that might have damaged his psyche so unless you are a glutton for punishment continue with the relationship. I know some ladies LOVE drama.

"I know his dad used to beat his mom, and what my now fiancé told me was that it’s just how his dad was also brought up. My fiancé has had problems controlling his temper, and things have gotten out of hand between us."