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" She says she felt horrible, felt like having sex with a stranger."
It bothered her that she had sex with him and it sounds like it was only once. Give her credit for letting you know about it, plus the fact that she didn't go on the trip with him. It's over with.
I am pretty sure it was only once because first of all she said it was only once secondly I know next day was her period and he left before her period ended.
I don't think it's cheating, because you two hadn't established an exclusive relationship, and you had said you weren't ready for a relationship. On the other hand, you stated some concerns about her going on a trip with her ex, the implication being that she'd **** him while on the trip. Heeding your concerns, she compromised and ****ed him but skipped the trip.
While you can't really call that cheating, you're entitled to be upset. She was free to do what she did in terms of your relationship status, but you're free to feel whatever you feel about her choice, and to take whatever action you need to deal with those feelings. If you decide to pursue a more long term relationship with her, cope, learn, and all that. If you can't or just don't want to make that effort, then walk away.
I think so far your answer suits the best for our situation.
My initial concern for the trip was about ***ing and obviously it did happen on the very first day and on that day only. Yes, I might not claim this as cheating but I am entitled to be upset. She is upset about her choice she says, she knows it was a mistake though she backfired a few times when I called it cheating. She admits it was wrong though was not cheating. She clearly stated that she would never accept the label of cheater which I understand. I dont want her to feel like one when she isnt.
Last edited by coldandhot; 09-20-2019 at 02:45 PM..
You don't get to tell her that you're free but she's not.
Maybe she wanted to be sure about her feelings for her ex, found out, got it out of the way and now can move on with you.
She didn't go on the trip which is what you wanted.
JMO
When she first told me that her ex was coming back in January I told her that I am not comfortable her seeing ex. She said he was her first and the only BF ever, was together 4 years + 1 year long distance. They broke up about 2 years ago, no BF since then though she said she likes me but she wasnt sure what she was going to feel about seeing him, she said she wants to make sure she wont feel anything for him before deciding to move forward with someone else (though that someone is me) because she didnt want to think about the only love of her life while with someone else. I still believe that she didnt have to sleep with him to understand this which is the only thing hurts me.
Yes, she didnt go on a trip, it was like 3am in the morning she came to my house and telling me that she feels like she has to go on that trip because he flew over 10 hours to see and spend time with her. I said clearly going on that trip means end of relationship or whatever you want to call it. She left from my home at 4am and flight was at 7am, she texted around 10am letting me know that she did not go.
The whole thing is confusing. You started seeing her almost a year ago? Are you still not "official"? Yet you're living together? When did she have sex with her ex? Some parts of your post make it sound like it was last week, others make it sound like it was months ago.
It is complicated.
We know each other for about 4 years. We both were in a relationship with other people back then.
We started spending more time together starting from Nov 2018, going out, bars, dinner and etc. First kiss happened on Dec 2018 and she started staying with me from Jan 2019 for 30~ days until he came. He stayed in this town for about a week then left for planned trip which she did not join.
I think so far your answer suits the best for our situation.
My initial concern for the trip was about ***ing and obviously it did happen on the very first day and on that day only. Yes, I might not claim this as cheating but I am entitled to be upset. She is upset about her choice she says, he knows it was a mistake though she backfired a few times when I called it cheating. She admits it was wrong though was not cheating. She clearly stated that she would never accept the label of cheater which I understand. I dont want her to feel like one when she isnt.
So be upset about it... Then get over it and move on or don't and leave. That's up to you.
I'd be upset too by the sounds of it. But it sounds like you had plenty of heads up and if it were me, he'd have taken an uber home or where ever he was going. It sounds like this mostly happened because you didn't define the relationship. Not everyone needs that, I don't. But a lot of the women I've dated do need that.
Let me tell you what I have been going through for last 8~ months.
We started seeing each other last year starting Nov 2018, Our first kiss was on Dec 2018. Back then I recently broke up from a nasty relationship and I was clearly telling her that I am not ready for another relationship. Time passed by, We started seeing each other more often and I started having feelings for her, she stayed with me nearly 2-3 weeks (we are still not in an official relationship) in Jan 2019 and one day she told me that her ex is coming back for 2 weeks (he lives in another country, that was her first and only relationship in her life, lasted 4-5 years) and this was planned like months ago, they’ll go on a trip and etc.
I told her that we are starting something beautiful, I started having feelings for her and I would totally not okay with that. Few days later her ex came, she picks him up from airport and drops off his Airbnb. I don’t quite remember exact details of what was happening between me and her during those days but he stayed in our town for 3-4 days than their trip was about to start. I told her that our relationship or whatever is called will be over if she goes on that trip. Next day he left for trip, she didn’t. She stayed. Few weeks past by and I started questioning about those days he was in our town. She finally told me that on very first day he arrived they had sex at his Airbnb place. She says she felt horrible, felt like having sex with a stranger. I was shock and very upset about situation. Anyways time passes and now we are together even living in the same house but I just can’t get over what has happened back then. I think about this every single day and stress out. She apologized few times in the past but also added that this doesn’t count as cheating as I repeatedly told her that I don’t want a relationship, we were not together that time and etc.
besides it’s called cheating or not I just can’t get over this fact.
I have no trust issues, I trust her to death. I want to forgive her about what happened but I cannot.
I thought about cheating her (even told her this) but I didn’t. I don’t want to cheat her to feel better.
I thought about breaking up as well. Besides this issue our relationship is close to perfect. She has been honest to me all the time, great person, no drama but we continuously have fight about this situation.
I am lost. Don’t know what to do.
You weren’t in a committed relationship from what I read. She’s free to do as she pleases.
It is complicated.
We know each other for about 4 years. We both were in a relationship with other people back then.
We started spending more time together starting from Nov 2018, going out, bars, dinner and etc. First kiss happened on Dec 2018 and she started staying with me from Jan 2019 for 30~ days until he came. He stayed in this town for about a week then left for planned trip which she did not join.
This happened back in February? Has she still been living with you since the event? It seems like it's more than time to back away or forgive and move on.
Massive communication failure here, OP, from what I am seeing.
You kept saying, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" and "our relationship or whatever this is"... Maybe the two of you should have discussed, "OK what do you mean by that?" Because in some people's book, if you're having sex but there is no "Relationship" then no feelings are allowed (I think that's dumb, because you can't really scold your feelings and order them to get back into their box, but you know, whatever)...in some people's book, if you're doing certain things, other than sex, like being out in public together, eating together, snuggling, talking, you know...other stuff...then you are by default in a RELATIONSHIP. But in general I would say, like if you want to be sure you know what's up, the best way, is to ask, and talk about it. Wanna know for sure if someone consents to sex? Ask if they want to have sex with you! Want to know for sure if you should expect exclusivity? ASK. Talk about it. Use your words like the sentient being that you are, and stop asking strangers if you had some expectation that it was ok to assume something.
I will never understand why people seem to get a big kick out of being deliberately dodgy and confusing in sexual/romantic relations...
I mean, can you even tell us what "no relationship, nothing to see here!" means in your head? Why would you keep saying that, if you assumed that the two of you would be exclusively committed to one another, and in light of your feelings and everything you were sharing with her? It is rather confusing that you continued to insist on this.
I dunno, if you can't feel ok with this, you're free to leave the relationship. Exiting a relationship isn't this thing where you've got to prove a case in imaginary court that the other person did wrong things and you have adequate justification. Only you can weigh up the pros and cons of your options, and make a choice.
If you stay in the relationship, you are within your rights to ask for protection until she's got clear STI tests, though. And to go and get them done yourself. You are within your rights to negotiate new agreements, if whatever was there before was unclear, and/or not to your liking.
But also, do keep in mind, that if you punish someone for telling you the truth, you may not get her truth always, in the future. I agree, too, with another poster, who said that if we are not even in a relationship, you damn sure don't have any right to tell me who I can spend time with or that it isn't OK for me to go on a trip. I'd have told you, "OK cool, it's over. Bye then"...but I also would not be living under the same roof, with things in this nebulous, "not a relationship" place. I am reluctant to cede control of my choices in any case, though, so...*shrug*
IMO, it sounds like what she did was wrong-- it sounds like you were under the impression the two of you were exclusive, and you told her the ex thing bothered you. But.
You were wishy-washy and flippy-floppy and living up to your username and stringing her along ("I'm going to tell you I have feelings for you and kiss you but also tell you I can't be with you, okay I'm gonna sorta be with you but not really").
You also can't get over this, which is not conducive to a relationship. It can't be that great if you can't make it official and she can't stick to only being with you, despite the fact that you apparently already live together.
Massive communication failure here, OP, from what I am seeing.
You kept saying, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" and "our relationship or whatever this is"... Maybe the two of you should have discussed, "OK what do you mean by that?" Because in some people's book, if you're having sex but there is no "Relationship" then no feelings are allowed (I think that's dumb, because you can't really scold your feelings and order them to get back into their box, but you know, whatever)...in some people's book, if you're doing certain things, other than sex, like being out in public together, eating together, snuggling, talking, you know...other stuff...then you are by default in a RELATIONSHIP. But in general I would say, like if you want to be sure you know what's up, the best way, is to ask, and talk about it. Wanna know for sure if someone consents to sex? Ask if they want to have sex with you! Want to know for sure if you should expect exclusivity? ASK. Talk about it. Use your words like the sentient being that you are, and stop asking strangers if you had some expectation that it was ok to assume something.
I will never understand why people seem to get a big kick out of being deliberately dodgy and confusing in sexual/romantic relations...
I mean, can you even tell us what "no relationship, nothing to see here!" means in your head? Why would you keep saying that, if you assumed that the two of you would be exclusively committed to one another, and in light of your feelings and everything you were sharing with her? It is rather confusing that you continued to insist on this.
I dunno, if you can't feel ok with this, you're free to leave the relationship. Exiting a relationship isn't this thing where you've got to prove a case in imaginary court that the other person did wrong things and you have adequate justification. Only you can weigh up the pros and cons of your options, and make a choice.
If you stay in the relationship, you are within your rights to ask for protection until she's got clear STI tests, though. And to go and get them done yourself. You are within your rights to negotiate new agreements, if whatever was there before was unclear, and/or not to your liking.
But also, do keep in mind, that if you punish someone for telling you the truth, you may not get her truth always, in the future. I agree, too, with another poster, who said that if we are not even in a relationship, you damn sure don't have any right to tell me who I can spend time with or that it isn't OK for me to go on a trip. I'd have told you, "OK cool, it's over. Bye then"...but I also would not be living under the same roof, with things in this nebulous, "not a relationship" place. I am reluctant to cede control of my choices in any case, though, so...*shrug*
As you so often do, you nailed this one, Sonic.
Put succinctly, the O.P. needs to do you-know-what or get off the pot and be clear and honest with both himself and this live-in friend of his. She didn't cheat on him because there is no promise of either commitment or exclusivity.
I don't get this nebulous neither here nor there sort of relationship when someone doesn't want to be exclusive (yet wants all the perks of having a romantic partner), but gets bent out of shape when the other person in the non-exclusive non arrangement behaves as the free agent that he or she is.
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