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Old 09-20-2019, 12:19 AM
 
1,068 posts, read 1,427,915 times
Reputation: 1205

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Okay, wait.

You had a history of being hurt, that he knew about, and you recently asked would he hurt you? and he's responding, "I won't hurt you"?

That's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATION from some guy you are newly dating who keeps saying, randomly, out of the blue, that he won't hurt you.

Why in the world didn't you state this in the beginning?
No I never asked him that question.

It hasn't even been on my mind as I'd forgotten about that conversation!

I'm a wary as he is making big proclamations, and we're only in the initial stages of getting to know each other.

How can you promise not to EVER hurt someone? If it turns out in the course of dating that the other person is a psychopath or a lier, and you decide to break up with them in the name of maintaining your values and your sanity, YES you will hurt them by breaking up! But such is life, sometimes things don't work out, and pain may be involved - how can one be certain in a successful outcome.

I assume by default that the bottom line is to treat the person you're getting involved with with decency and respect, and there is no need to make promises you might not be able to keep. That's why my ears perked up to this.

If someone is making empty promises, it discounts the value of everything that comes out of their mouth.

Please tell me I'm wrong! I so want to be wrong in this case... But I can't defy logic.
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Old 09-20-2019, 12:47 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,239,356 times
Reputation: 30254
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
I asked him directly, as his explanation was that many moons ago (I knew him a while ago as a former colleague) he remembered me saying that I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was fresh out of an unhealthy relationship then. Been a while!

Could this be a valiant reason for him to throw this out though?
He probably remembered that conversation and wanted to reassure you. He probably understands that people need reassurances.

You guys are old enough to know there’s no guarantees in any relationship but one, and that guarantee is that it will eventually end one day).

As for “empty promises”, what promises has he broken in the past to make you think his promises are “empty”?
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Old 09-20-2019, 02:57 AM
 
7,569 posts, read 4,115,387 times
Reputation: 6925
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post

How can you promise not to EVER hurt someone?.
It really is no different than saying you never want to get hurt again. When you make statements like that aloud, he may have thought you intended for him to hear.
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Old 09-20-2019, 04:18 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,128,010 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
I’m in the beginning stage of dating a man, Early 40s. He has said multiple times that he will never hurt me and that I have nothing to worry about without me even bringing up any kind of concern. Am I right to read this as a negative sign? If you legitimately have good intentions toward a woman, why would you even bring up that kind of statement? Is this a case of that who doth protest too much?
My issue would be this in combination with how he handles concerns. You mention bringing up a concern. Does he LISTEN to your concerns and take them seriously? Or does he feel HIS versions of never hurting you trumps that? I might go with yellow flag here.
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Old 09-20-2019, 04:28 AM
 
7,569 posts, read 4,115,387 times
Reputation: 6925
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
My issue would be this in combination with how he handles concerns. You mention bringing up a concern. Does he LISTEN to your concerns and take them seriously? Or does he feel HIS versions of never hurting you trumps that? I might go with yellow flag here.
That is very good thinking.
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Old 09-20-2019, 05:23 AM
 
12,585 posts, read 16,879,979 times
Reputation: 15255
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
No I never asked him that question.

It hasn't even been on my mind as I'd forgotten about that conversation!

I'm a wary as he is making big proclamations, and we're only in the initial stages of getting to know each other.

How can you promise not to EVER hurt someone? If it turns out in the course of dating that the other person is a psychopath or a lier, and you decide to break up with them in the name of maintaining your values and your sanity, YES you will hurt them by breaking up! But such is life, sometimes things don't work out, and pain may be involved - how can one be certain in a successful outcome.

I assume by default that the bottom line is to treat the person you're getting involved with with decency and respect, and there is no need to make promises you might not be able to keep. That's why my ears perked up to this.

If someone is making empty promises, it discounts the value of everything that comes out of their mouth.

Please tell me I'm wrong! I so want to be wrong in this case... But I can't defy logic.
You’ve got a lot going on here. Yes, you are wrong and have some issues of your own to work on.

Are you sabotaging your dates?

Please fix yourself before getting back in the dating scene.
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Old 09-20-2019, 06:16 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,238,479 times
Reputation: 24241
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flavia84 View Post
I asked him directly, as his explanation was that many moons ago (I knew him a while ago as a former colleague) he remembered me saying that I was afraid of getting hurt again. I was fresh out of an unhealthy relationship then. Been a while!

Could this be a valiant reason for him to throw this out though?
So you're worried because he cared enough about you, even when you weren't dating, to remember a long ago conversation?

I'm sorry to say this, but being worried because someone cared about you and translated that into words is messed up thinking.

That said, no one can claim they will never hurt another. He can't. You can't. I can't. No one. Given the right set of circumstances each of us is capable of hurting another. The thing is, we have to live life not being so afraid of the hurt that we curl up and hide or reject others unless we view them as perfect.
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Old 09-20-2019, 06:19 AM
 
410 posts, read 337,595 times
Reputation: 1350
Run, Run, Run.
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Old 09-20-2019, 06:41 AM
 
Location: Baldwin
372 posts, read 453,581 times
Reputation: 1171
Why not just give it a little while and see how things develop? You gave him a reason to make the statement about never hurting you. You had red flags at first but he explained himself and the explanation is reasonable. Give it a shot and see how things develop. You aren't gullible and will be able to if there is something to be concerned pretty quickly by how he treats others, how he handles stress, how he behaves while driving in bad traffic, etc.


BUT, there really is no need to cut things off just because he said he would never hurt you. You are correct. That is an impossible promise to keep. We all hurt others, even while trying to be kind, we can hurt others. Empty promise? Maybe, but I see it as more trying to assure you that he isn't like the other guy.
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Old 09-20-2019, 07:41 AM
 
Location: PA
967 posts, read 681,928 times
Reputation: 1698
From a point of view as a guy who is loyal and his always been on the receiving end of being hurt not the giving end, I am thinking he is just reassuring you he is not that kind of guy. It would depend on his character I guess. Sounds to me like he is just trying to reassure you he is a nice guy.
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