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I listened to a Ted Talk thing on heartbreak a while back. One thing I took away from it, is that people have this tendency to overthink things when connections don't work out. Whether you are heartbroken because of a breakup, or something you thought was promising fell apart, or somebody flaked out early on...we become these detectives, we are not satisfied with whatever information we have, and we act like there's some mystery to be solved.
It's this feeling that if we only find the ultimate answer to why it didn't work out, we will get some kind of magical closure and be able to let it go and move on.
And it's pointless. It's a complete waste of time. You can drive yourself crazy with this, because sometimes you'll never get answers, sometimes you'll never be satisfied with whatever answers you do get, and for the most part it never really matters anyways!
One of the consequences of this behavior, in my opinion, is building up baggage against the opposite sex, that can hinder your success going forward. I mean think about it, you find some answer as to "why" they got all weird and it didn't work out, probably an answer that came from your own head rather than something he actually TOLD you, but it's something you can accept, so you decide it's the truth. You figure you can learn from it, and the next time you meet a guy, you're on guard for this one thing and modifying your behavior accordingly. Only whatever was going on with Guy#1, has NOTHING to do with Guy#2, and in fact it's totally unfair to project your previous stuff onto your new love interest. I don't know about you, but if a woman did a guy wrong in his past, I don't want to be punished for that!
Years ago, I had a date with one guy, and I really was into him, and I was totally honest about my attraction to him and very forward and up front about things. And the next day I got a "let's just be friends" text. I decided that I didn't let him "chase" me and apparently men need a woman to play games and not be so honest and wait for him to make a move. (Which is SO not me--I hate "games.") So the next guy I was starting to connect with, I decided to just give him hints that he had the green light and then wait for him to "chase" me. Yeah, that wasn't working. I waited and waited and wondered what was up with this guy, and was braced for disappointment and prepared to move on...when he finally told me that he felt he'd probably missed out on a lot of opportunities with women, because he didn't recognize their hints and clues... So I was like "what the hell" and I flat out told him that if he wanted to have sex, I was definitely interested.... We have now been very happy together for 4 years, live together, and are engaged. Taking what I thought I had "learned" from the previous failure and trying to change my strategy, was dumb and wasn't gonna work!
So I think that a lot of us could do to practice just saying, "I don't know, and that's ok." and then really letting it go and moving on with life. Because you're gonna need a different game plan with the next person you date, probably, anyhow, and there's not likely to be much that is useful to take forward from flakes and failed connections.
I think you should lead your own Ted talk. This is amazing advice.
I have clearly tried to make things clear with him and what he wants to no avail.
I dont see any other option. Maybe I should not even bring this up last time???
But i really felt like he didnt have a transparent agenda with me....
Honestly its the worst to be in limbo.
He hasnt replied to that text i sent him last week for peace, so he must have taken really bad what i said, but i dont find the reason to be so angry, I just said what I felt without putting him down, but really if he didnt wanna go out with me he should just say so....
I didnt want something only sexual and i said that from the beginning, i was just hoping i guess for some answers
I didnt want something only sexual and i said that from the beginning, i was just hoping i guess for some answers
You've already received your answer from him. Multiple times. It's just not what you want to hear so you keep hanging on hoping for something different.
If you've only seen each other 6 times in 6 months, then he's really not that into you and only interested enough to initiate occasional random hook-ups when he's bored and has an itch that needs to be scratched.
If you want more than casual sex, then wait and get to know a guy better to see if you're both on the same page or not, before jumping into bed with him. Let him show you with his ACTIONS, not just his words, that he wants more with you. And if he's shown you he's not really interested in more, then don't have sex with him anyway and complain about it later.
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