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It’s not that I’m scrutinizing, but when there are sayings like “when a person shows you who they are, believe them”, “past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior”, “people don’t change”, things like that and then I’m interested in this girl but I’m looking at her past behavior that I’ve been told about, things she’s told me, it makes me apprehensive. Is that such a foreign thing?
I can't see that she has done anything dreadfully wrong, immoral, unethical or illegal. If a man had dated around, nobody would question it. Why is it only wrong when a woman does so? If a man had these kinds of double standards, I would honestly want to know so that I could avoid getting involved with him.
You also said she's still friends with one of her ex boyfriends, many people would see that as a sign of good character.
With all the serious reservations you have about this person, why not just cut the cord? That would be the best thing for both of you.
I (29M) recently met this girl (25F) through some friends that I'm pretty into. We have an awesome connection and have a great time hanging out a couple of times so far. I could definitely see myself dating her more seriously but I'm a little concerned...
She has a history of getting together with guys and having a fling with them and then dumping them out of nowhere is the gist I'm getting. Some of them seem to be casual hookups she discards after a bit, some are more like a relationship that have lasted up to three months.
What's going on with people that are like that? What does that say about them if anything? Is this a maturity thing or signs of something that won’t change and to be weary of? If you're able to relate at all, can you give some insight?
Why waste time wondering when you can be out there talking with a sensible and mature woman? She must be 'hot'...
I can't see that she has done anything dreadfully wrong, immoral, unethical or illegal. If a man had dated around, nobody would question it. Why is it only wrong when a woman does so? If a man had these kinds of double standards, I would honestly want to know so that I could avoid getting involved with him.
You also said she's still friends with one of her ex boyfriends, many people would see that as a sign of good character.
With all the serious reservations you have about this person, why not just cut the cord? That would be the best thing for both of you.
I’m not saying she’s done anything so wrong. I do think if you know you’re not ready for a relationship it would be messed up to act like you are get all involved with somebody and then dump them without communicating first. Not that that is what she’s done with every guy or anything, that was just an aside.
I’m not saying this girl is wrong or anything. If she wants to date around and not commit and bounce around and have fun, that’s fine. I don’t think she should lead people on to believe anything else is going on though.
As I’ve said, im just trying to see what people say about how past behavior is a predictor of future/when people show you who they are believe them.
Are these things circumstantial or things that don’t typically change? Is this something correlated to immaturity/unavailability that doesn’t change easily and is something that MAY change years down the line? Etc
I’m not saying it’s right, wrong, bad, good. I’m just trying to see what other people’s advice/experiences have shown them.
If you’re “seriously” thinking of dating someone who regularly hops from man to man, I have to question how serious you really are about her.
This doesn’t sounds like something worth putting a serious effort in to if this is already a roadblock for you. You won’t be her Superman that makes her change her mind. You’ll just be another guy she dated.
Date, get to know her...make a choice later down the road on who she really is if your willing to put yourself out their for her, but don't expect to change her mind about anything just because you show effort.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Dude, people date. That's how they determine compatibility. I know one person that met her now (8 or so year now) husband on her first okc date. I know another that never had more than a 6 to 9 month relationship until she was late 30s and has been living with the guy for 15 or so years now. It just took her that long to find someone she wanted to be with and felt mutually. You're freaking obsessing. Stop it. She's a youngin. She should be dating around and figuring out what works. . Maybe the next person she dates she will stay with 5-6 years, or 50 years, or she might not find someone that last more than a few months for a decade. Who the bleep knows. Let it the freak go. I've been with the person I'm seeing now for a year and a half. Prior to that it was about 4-5 years and probably 100-150+ first dates between finding someone I was really interested in that was interested back. Prior to that it was about 8 years. Between those times, lots of dating. It means nothing. Stop freaking obsessing. She is just getting out of adolescence, give her a darn break.
This place is just freaking out there. Yikes. Self imposed break time again.
It’s not that I’m scrutinizing, but when there are sayings like “when a person shows you who they are, believe them”, “past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior”, “people don’t change”, things like that and then I’m interested in this girl but I’m looking at her past behavior that I’ve been told about, things she’s told me, it makes me apprehensive. Is that such a foreign thing?
No, it isn't, and many of us advising you in this thread have said those very things to other posters.
I do think some here have used this thread to launch into some kind of sexual equality discussion, when it really isn't that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RickyW
I’ve been very hurt in the past and if I’m going to invest in a relationship I don’t want to do so if there is a higher than usual chance that it’ll end due to whatever typical reasons there are for this behavior. I know there are no guarantees.
Good. Then once again pay attention to what you actually do know about yourself and what people who actually know her are saying and trust your gut.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RickyW
I feel like I’m being made out to be some sort of bad guy in all of this when I’m simply trying to protect myself and gain some perspective and insight. Not trying to harm anybody or screw with anybody. I just don’t typically connect with women I date like this but as I’ve said also been very hurt so I’m very cautious
It doesn't say anything about her as a woman or you as man. I think you're really trying to sort out what you want to get into vs. what you've already been through, and you just aren't ready.
I know you had a hard time separating yourself from your most recent breakup, so I think you're wise to proceed with caution here. It just sounds like you're misplacing that caution toward her when it really just applies to you.
I’m not saying she’s done anything so wrong. I do think if you know you’re not ready for a relationship it would be messed up to act like you are get all involved with somebody and then dump them without communicating first. Not that that is what she’s done with every guy or anything, that was just an aside.
I’m not saying this girl is wrong or anything. If she wants to date around and not commit and bounce around and have fun, that’s fine. I don’t think she should lead people on to believe anything else is going on though.
As I’ve said, im just trying to see what people say about how past behavior is a predictor of future/when people show you who they are believe them.
Are these things circumstantial or things that don’t typically change? Is this something correlated to immaturity/unavailability that doesn’t change easily and is something that MAY change years down the line? Etc
I’m not saying it’s right, wrong, bad, good. I’m just trying to see what other people’s advice/experiences have shown them.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking these questions, I just think that you're asking the wrong people. I mean, how do you know she strung those other guys along? How do you know she dropped them out of the blue for no reason or actually broke their hearts? You know what some people said, but who knows if they are accurate in their perception of what's happened? They weren't flies on walls to observe conversations she did or didn't have with others. Right? So you don't know, really.
As for people changing or not changing... I think that most people CAN change, but it depends on a lot of factors to predict whether they WILL. I told you the questions that needed to be asked, to determine if this is who she is right now, or if it's more a matter of just not finding the right guy lately. It could be that she would LOVE to have a committed long term relationship, it's just that the dudes she has dated in recent times have been duds. You are assuming that this is all about her sexual or relationship values, or her general character or something.
I don't think that you are a bad person, but I think that you need to build up your emotional resilience and risk tolerance if you want to be involved in dating.
But anyways, that kind of advice wasn't what you were asking for. You were asking if anyone here has done this, and then changed their relationship lifestyle choices so to speak, and done something completely different, and some of us who have done exactly that, have showed up to tell you so. I racked up lots of partners throughout high school, then was faithful to one man from age 18-36, then broke up with him after a ton of awful behavior (and many, many attempts to talk things through, to ask for better behavior, and so on) then I played the field a little and was polyamorous with 4 partners for about a year, then decided that wasn't right for me and broke it off with all but one. I've been with only him, for 3+ years and we're engaged.
Being either a free agent, or a polyamorous woman, was more challenging and stressful, than being committed to just one person in a long term relationship, in my experience. I have returned to the relationship configuration that I prefer...only now, with a much better partner than my ex husband was for me.
Frankly I find it highly unlikely that she will continue to have short term "flings" forever. That sort of thing is exhausting. I highly suspect she's looking for something more meaningful, just hasn't found the right guy for it.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with asking these questions, I just think that you're asking the wrong people. I mean, how do you know she strung those other guys along? How do you know she dropped them out of the blue for no reason or actually broke their hearts? You know what some people said, but who knows if they are accurate in their perception of what's happened? They weren't flies on walls to observe conversations she did or didn't have with others. Right? So you don't know, really.
As for people changing or not changing... h.
Yes, OP; you're being very unfair in making a negative judgement on very little information. We've already presented you with a half-dozen or more perfectly respectable potential explanations for her not settling down in the couple of years since she's been out of her last LTR. It's not at all unusual for women to go two, three, or four years without finding any kind of a match after the previous relationship; not even a good enough match to date more than a couple of times. Your expectations are unrealistic. A kindred spirit is not that easy to come by, not at all.
And it's not about her changing. She's been in two LTR's in her short life, but for some reason, you're discounting that, and viewing her as a social butterfly, or sexual butterfly, or whatever. Your vision is skewed due to your own past experience. It's not even about her; it's about your apparent failure to heal from your own past. You shouldn't burden her with that, projecting inaccurate perceptions on to her, and budening her with your fears.
You should probably take a time out from dating altogether, and get some counseling to heal your wounds.
“Not evidence” how? Her friend told him about that. That is her recent dating history. Does he need to interview the exes? See video?
Actually no. If he were smart, he would not worry about what may or may not have happened. In the past. With other people.
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