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As a woman, I've heard plenty of men complain that women need to "give more guys a chance." Maybe they are socially awkward, or shy, or they aren't the sexiest or the wealthiest or something, but they feel like if a woman gave them that "chance" then they have what it takes to be a good partner.
From my perspective, men don't give women a chance either.
I've had countless first dates that went like job interviews and just one wrong answer meant I never heard from them again. Or they would say I was too quiet or something. So it's interesting that men come here saying that women should give them second chances. Many women are never granted that. From what I have seen, men tend to size up women pretty quickly and make snap judgments. In fact I think this poster has probably already made up his mind, possibly just wants the rest of us to label this woman the "S" word so it will validate his judgment.
I (29M) recently met this girl (25F) through some friends that I'm pretty into. We have an awesome connection and have a great time hanging out a couple of times so far. I could definitely see myself dating her more seriously but I'm a little concerned...
She has a history of getting together with guys and having a fling with them and then dumping them out of nowhere is the gist I'm getting. Some of them seem to be casual hookups she discards after a bit, some are more like a relationship that have lasted up to three months.
What's going on with people that are like that? What does that say about them if anything? Is this a maturity thing or signs of something that won’t change and to be weary of? If you're able to relate at all, can you give some insight?
I would be suspicious of anyone like this, male or female.
That’s what Birdie and I said pretty much, all things being equal chances are it will be the same, a short and abruptly ended fling. But I like what Pilot said too:
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You could always go into it as a very casual thing, and see what happens. If it is a short term fling, then at least you may have some good memories. Just don't get emotionally attached unless she shows signs of wanting it to be more serious down the road. Who knows, you may not find her long term material either, but you never know until you try.
Sonic. I love you. But the idea that we are supposed to give someone a chance is pure and unadulterated BS. I mean, if YOU want to do that, go for it. But the idea that society says we should, or hapless dudes say we should does not mean we should. And I don't know a single other female that thinks we should.
LOL I love you, too. What I was saying, was from the perspective of someone who has done more or less what the OP is talking about, having numerous flings and short term relationships when I was available and single (although those time periods don't tend to be long, before I'm "coupled up" again.) My point in that, was that when I don't know what I'm looking for, I am more open to (as some guys complain about) "give guys a chance." I've talked many times about how flexible I am on many criteria, much more so than our struggle-bros think that any woman would ever be. This by NO means invalidates any other woman's choices! It's not a matter of what anyone is "supposed to" do. I'm only speaking to how my own mind works. Give a guy a chance? Sure! What's in a chance? But after getting out of a long, ugly marriage, what I most definitely didn't want, was to wind up in another bad long term relationship. So if I saw something I wasn't gonna want to deal with, I was OUT. If the guy had caught feelings, well, I'm very sorry. Not happy to break your heart, but I'm not gonna spend the next few decades breaking my own, trying to love someone that I just...don't.
But I didn't know what I was really looking for, or wanting, for sure, when I started dating. It took me a good 6 months of being with my boyfriend to feel sure that I had found it. Had it gone the other way, that I did not fall in love with him or he was not "the one" for me, I'd have dumped him. Should I instead stay with a man I don't, and cannot, love? I don't think so!
I'm suggesting that perhaps she is on a search, figuring out what she wants in a mate. She'll give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, then she'll end it. I think this is better than staying with someone when you know that he isn't what you want in a life partner, no? None of us HAS to give this or that guy a chance...but it might pay off (it has for me!) or it might not.
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
One does not get to protect oneself from getting their feelings hurt. How anyone can know what dumping someone "out of nowhere" looks like from the outside? My husband would tell you I dumped him out of nowhere despite the years of pain, counseling, discussions... Who even knows?
I was thinking that, too. A lot of guys are given SO MUCH warning that their relationship is on the rocks, and they don't listen, they blow it off as "nagging" or tune it out or dismiss it. Until the woman is over it and she leaves. Then they're like, "I was blindsided! It was out of nowhere!"
I'd been telling my ex for over a year, that I was considering leaving, that I was thinking I'd like to make things work until the kids were grown, but after that I thought we should re-evaluate if our marriage was really good for both of us, if it was what we wanted. That I was very much unsure if it was from my end...especially the way it was looking at the time. But I was willing to consider (until things got very ugly) that maybe things might be better when that time came. This, on top of the many things I explained to him were seriously detrimental to my happiness, mental and emotional health, and so on, time and again... You'd think he'd have a clue. So what did he do? Ramped up the bad behavior tenfold! Because hey, if baby is screaming in the corner and Mommy doesn't abandon him, that's proof that he is loved! SCREAM LOUDER.
Yup. All you know, is what the gossip mill is saying. That's a notoriously unreliable source of information, unless you happen to have an "in" with her best friend, or something.
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Originally Posted by AdamAnythe
It could be a pattern of immaturity, or that’s just what she wants and how she roles. Could be anything. We need more info.
Who are the group of friends you met her from and what exactly did they say? Are the exes and former hookups in this group? Or are other friends telling you about her exes and relationships?
Well she happens to be one of my best friends girlfriends good friend. It’s been said to me she breaks hearts, guys for for her and she dumps them.
She had a boyfriend of 2-4 years in college and has been single since then.
Former hooks ups not in the group. She is still close with her ex from college but he’s not in my circle.
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Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla
From my perspective, men don't give women a chance either.
I've had countless first dates that went like job interviews and just one wrong answer meant I never heard from them again. Or they would say I was too quiet or something. So it's interesting that men come here saying that women should give them second chances. Many women are never granted that. From what I have seen, men tend to size up women pretty quickly and make snap judgments. In fact I think this poster has probably already made up his mind, possibly just wants the rest of us to label this woman the "S" word so it will validate his judgment.
I’m not looking to anybody label her the “S” word as you put it.
I’m trying to see if anybody did this in the past and why? What made that change?
Yes I’m scared to get my heartbroken, I don’t think it’s wrong to try to get some advice on this. I don’t know if this is an identifiable pattern of behavior that doesn’t change or it’s nothing to think twice about
LOL I love you, too. What I was saying, was from the perspective of someone who has done more or less what the OP is talking about, having numerous flings and short term relationships when I was available and single (although those time periods don't tend to be long, before I'm "coupled up" again.) My point in that, was that when I don't know what I'm looking for, I am more open to (as some guys complain about) "give guys a chance." I've talked many times about how flexible I am on many criteria, much more so than our struggle-bros think that any woman would ever be. This by NO means invalidates any other woman's choices! It's not a matter of what anyone is "supposed to" do. I'm only speaking to how my own mind works. Give a guy a chance? Sure! What's in a chance? But after getting out of a long, ugly marriage, what I most definitely didn't want, was to wind up in another bad long term relationship. So if I saw something I wasn't gonna want to deal with, I was OUT. If the guy had caught feelings, well, I'm very sorry. Not happy to break your heart, but I'm not gonna spend the next few decades breaking my own, trying to love someone that I just...don't.
But I didn't know what I was really looking for, or wanting, for sure, when I started dating. It took me a good 6 months of being with my boyfriend to feel sure that I had found it. Had it gone the other way, that I did not fall in love with him or he was not "the one" for me, I'd have dumped him. Should I instead stay with a man I don't, and cannot, love? I don't think so!
I'm suggesting that perhaps she is on a search, figuring out what she wants in a mate. She'll give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, then she'll end it. I think this is better than staying with someone when you know that he isn't what you want in a life partner, no? None of us HAS to give this or that guy a chance...but it might pay off (it has for me!) or it might not.
I was thinking that, too. A lot of guys are given SO MUCH warning that their relationship is on the rocks, and they don't listen, they blow it off as "nagging" or tune it out or dismiss it. Until the woman is over it and she leaves. Then they're like, "I was blindsided! It was out of nowhere!"
I'd been telling my ex for over a year, that I was considering leaving, that I was thinking I'd like to make things work until the kids were grown, but after that I thought we should re-evaluate if our marriage was really good for both of us, if it was what we wanted. That I was very much unsure if it was from my end...especially the way it was looking at the time. But I was willing to consider (until things got very ugly) that maybe things might be better when that time came. This, on top of the many things I explained to him were seriously detrimental to my happiness, mental and emotional health, and so on, time and again... You'd think he'd have a clue. So what did he do? Ramped up the bad behavior tenfold! Because hey, if baby is screaming in the corner and Mommy doesn't abandon him, that's proof that he is loved! SCREAM LOUDER.
Ugh. Blindsided. My god.
Blindsided to my husband:
Him: Let's try again.
Me: Ok, let's. We'll doing counseling again.
Him: Just promise you won't leave no matter what.
Me: No. That is a recipe for you to just ignore anything I say.
Him... ignores everything I say
BUt you promised??!!!?? Yah no. Not ONCE in 25 years did I promise that. We talked many, many times about how neither of us wanted that. And. Blindsided.
Well she happens to be one of my best friends girlfriends good friend. It’s been said to me she breaks hearts, guys for for her and she dumps them.
She had a boyfriend of 2-4 years in college and has been single since then.
Former hooks ups not in the group. She is still close with her ex from college but he’s not in my circle.
I’m not looking to anybody label her the “S” word as you put it.
I’m trying to see if anybody did this in the past and why? What made that change?
Here is what I think. You asking if anybody "did this". Did WHAT? We Just Don't Know.
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Yes I’m scared to get my heartbroken, I don’t think it’s wrong to try to get some advice on this. I don’t know if this is an identifiable pattern of behavior that doesn’t change or it’s nothing to think twice about
Absolutely not bad to get advice. Just heed the right ones. (Wouldn't it be cool if there was a way to easily know which that was??) This seems like an awful lot of worry for someone you are not even going out with.
Well she happens to be one of my best friends girlfriends good friend. It’s been said to me she breaks hearts, guys for for her and she dumps them.
She had a boyfriend of 2-4 years in college and has been single since then.
Former hooks ups not in the group. She is still close with her ex from college but he’s not in my circle.
Can you elaborate a bit more? If she had a boyfriend in college she is still on good terms with and has been single since then, whose hearts is she breaking?
Here is what I think. You asking if anybody "did this". Did WHAT? We Just Don't Know.
Absolutely not bad to get advice. Just heed the right ones. (Wouldn't it be cool if there was a way to easily know which that was??) This seems like an awful lot of worry for someone you are not even going out with.
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Originally Posted by AdamAnythe
Can you elaborate a bit more? If she had a boyfriend in college she is still on good terms with and has been single since then, whose hearts is she breaking?
“This” being getting into these quick and intense short term flings and then discarding the other person rather frequently.
When I say she’s been single since I mean she hasn’t had somebody she’s called a boyfriend. It’s been a guy for a month and then another guy for 3 months and then just casual hookups then another guy for 3 months. Like that.
Here is what I think. You asking if anybody "did this". Did WHAT? We Just Don't Know.
Absolutely not bad to get advice. Just heed the right ones. (Wouldn't it be cool if there was a way to easily know which that was??) This seems like an awful lot of worry for someone you are not even going out with.
That is a really good point.
And ultimately, as Ruth also said, we can't know her motivations. None of us knows her. You're better suited talking to her, maybe she can tell you what has happened in her love life, that it's gone the way it has.
Ultimately though, I don't think that you can really insulate yourself from the possibility of heartbreak. It's one of those "pain is how you know you're alive" sorts of things? Nothing ventured, nothing gained? Like we don't really get guarantees in life that anything will work out...but if you never take the chance, well you won't fail but you sure won't succeed either.
Honestly this reminds me of the thread that we had not long ago with the woman talking about waiting because she just knew...KNEW...that if she has sex with a guy, she will develop feelings, and then if he leaves her he's a dirty so-and-so of a user and how can she protect herself from this and all... Like it's been my experience that in any new dating connection, there is a possibility that no one will fall in love, or that one will and the other won't...and maybe, just maybe, if you are super duper lucky, then both will at the same time.
LOL is it the Holy Grail, or just the Grail Shaped Beacon at the Castle Anthrax? ("NAUGHTY ZOOT!") You never know until you go check it out!
Quote:
Sir Lancelot:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad:
I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot:
No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad:
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot:
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
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