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Had a 3rd date with a guy I'm seeing last night and he asked me to be exclusive.
Run away as fast as you can. Delete his info from your cell-phone and block his calls and texts.
He's a control freak. Once you agree to be exclusive, he will control what you wear, how you wear your make-up, who you can call and text, who your friends will be, when you can see your friends and when you can see your family.
If he's not a control freak, then he's emotionally immature or psychologically damaged with low self-esteem. His worth is based on having a woman attached to his hip 24/7 and he cannot do that unless he controls you.
Find a more emotionally mature guy who isn't likely to be controlling and manipulative and who has good self-esteem and values the quality of the time spent with you, and your views and opinions, and will let you be who you are, instead of what he thinks you should be.
I admit that at 66, I am confused by this subject. In the old days, sometimes people dated just one person at a time and sometimes they dated several people in the same month. It was not a problem because most people did not have sex until it was said or understood that the relationship was exclusive. (Again, I am talking about most people, but there have always been people who were very "casual" about sex, but I am not talking about those people.)
So, what I am asking is: How are relationships usually conducted these days?
Because if someone asks a person whom s/he is very interested in as a potential "exclusive" partner or spouse not to have sex with anyone else until they know where the relationship is headed, I don't think that is unreasonable. However, if that is not the case, then I think such a request is very controlling and it would make me hesitate about continuing any kind of relationship with that person.
is this the same guy that said you are prettier than you think and you flipped out ?
if your gut keeps telling you this guy has ulterior motives, then your gut is either rite or wrong; either way, the relationship will be messy since you deem him untrustworthy.
Ha, the generation he is referencing is in their 70s! There was zero shortage of dating around in the 70s and 80s.
i think the rise of swipe left/swipe rite makes it mainstream to multi-date; whereas, in the past it was 1 at a time (even if the relationship only lasted a week).
unless, it just seems that way because of social media.
OP, there is nothing wrong with clear communication for both people. If he says something you question, smile and ask what he means. That is not over analyzing, but communication. You said yes to being exclusive with no idea of his meaning of exclusive. You were silent with his pretty comment when, according to your post, you were actually uncomfortable with what he said. We have no idea what a person means. Communicate with your dates. Communication is a way of getting to know each other.
I admit that at 66, I am confused by this subject. In the old days, sometimes people dated just one person at a time and sometimes they dated several people in the same month. It was not a problem because most people did not have sex until it was said or understood that the relationship was exclusive. (Again, I am talking about most people, but there have always been people who were very "casual" about sex, but I am not talking about those people.)
So, what I am asking is: How are relationships usually conducted these days?
Because if someone asks a person whom s/he is very interested in as a potential "exclusive" partner or spouse not to have sex with anyone else until they know where the relationship is headed, I don't think that is an unreasonable request. However, if that is not the case, then I think such a request is very controlling and it would make me hesitate.
One way for sure it is not usually conducted is requesting exclusivity on the 5th day.
Like you can tell him, "OK I will suspend my dating profile and not talk to others on the app and not go on other dates or anything, for two weeks, and then I want to check in and have a talk about whether we're both happy and on the same page."
I'm sorry but I cannot even imagine someone saying that. Thinking it, sure. Doing it, sure. It's a reasonable approach. But saying it?
As for expectations, everyone knows what's considered the norm. Even if someone deviates very far from what's considered the norm, they still know. And if that's the case, then yeah...it certainly should be communicated. Otherwise, though, I stand by my junior high comment.
If you think that open, honest communications about what you have to offer and what you'd like to get in return, are immature, then that's all you. I'm sure plenty of people share your mindset about it. I don't. My partner doesn't. Others I have dated do not. I'm 40, my partner is 60, and my other recent-years partners that I'm still friends with are in their mid-40's. Junior high was a long time ago for all of us.
But there are reasons I've sought relationships among people who think a bit differently. I strongly believe that just muddling along assuming everything to be operating in a way that "everybody knows is the norm" just does not work for me. I'm not interested in dating people who prefer assuming to communicating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stanley-88888888
i think this mite be generational. the older generation would date 1 person at a time and either get married or break up; whereas, millennials tend to multi-date and since marriage is trending downward, the word exclusivity now means forever these days.
Well?
OK let's talk about the younger generation and what is and isn't "junior high" (since redplum up there is referring to that, and I've got no idea what age he is anyways)... Older generations like my grandparents' age, people multi-dated and were not assumed to be exclusive until they asked and agreed that they were "going steady." My Great Aunt has in her old photo album, pictures of her in high school and shortly after, happily in the company of various boys she was dating. Dating back then meant going to get burgers and see a movie or go dancing. It didn't generally mean sex if you were a decent sort of young lady like she presumably was. "Exclusive" was "going steady." It was "we are not quite ready, mature, or old enough to talk about marriage, but we are not dating other people." One step shy of engagement, which required the ritual of the man kneeling and offering a ring.
My kids, who are 17 (almost 18 yay!) and 20, I was shocked that when they were in middle school aka "junior high" they would declare a boyfriend/girlfriend situation when they definitely were not having sex yet, but this was a person you held hands with in the hallway and sat with at lunch, and if you spotted them so much as having a conversation with someone else of the opposite sex, it was grounds for accusations of "cheating" (I mean wtf really though??) The kids are practicing possessiveness and jealousy at some young ages these days. It's bonkers, in my opinion.
But the young adults, well, I know quite a few who are still pretty committed to high school sweethearts, but the ones who are in the online dating scene, yeah...they are multi-dating. Maybe having casual sex and maybe not. Some of the ones who are driven to lock down a mate might think that exclusivity means "forever" and some just mean "can we just focus and date one person at a time, please?" The only way anybody knows what anybody means by anything, is to talk to 'em.
But if I'd known a guy just shy of a week, we've not had sex yet, and he's asking for "exclusivity"...what that feels like (because of my own history with a controlling and jealous dude who did NOT ask for my consent to the level of commitment he wanted, and in fact disregarded when I said repeatedly that I didn't want it)...is this guy is insecure and scared he's going to be replaced if there is competition, and he's asking her to respond to his discomfort by modifying HER behavior. Now I'm a little older and I was 36 when I was dating, but I'm not really showing up to coddle some guy who is scared that he can't measure up to other men.
I might OFFER my exclusivity...and I did in a couple of instances when that's where I was at. But no one gets to push me around with their insecurities, or demand commitment I'm not ready to give them.
And if OP feels uncomfortable agreeing to something that someone is asking for, it's a good sign to pause and find a way to give herself some time or space to make sure of what she really wants. I think that's a lot more honest, than going along when you aren't feeling it. Going against your gut is usually a recipe for resentment and regret.
My other feeling about this is that one reason he might be asking is to simply push matters towards the bedroom. He doesn't want to have sex with a woman who is possibly getting with other men at the same time (common) so since he wants to get laid, he's asking for the conditions he needs in order to get there, or else he figures that since she hasn't given it up yet, maybe she needs an offer of a relationship to persuade her, and this is the way to go about it. But this is only speculation, I mean I don't know this guy.
I do really like him and I don't think I've ever had anyone ask me to be exclusive this early on so I don't know if this is too fast or not. We have not even slept together yet. Is it crazy to be exclusive this early on?
I think there is no point in declaring to be "exclusive" until you really slept together, enjoyed the experience and are happy to see each other again. If something does not work out after you had sex, you will most likely break up regardless of any labels you might've agreed on. So I don't think there is any reason to agree to become exclusive until you had sex...
Run away as fast as you can. Delete his info from your cell-phone and block his calls and texts.
He's a control freak. Once you agree to be exclusive, he will control what you wear, how you wear your make-up, who you can call and text, who your friends will be, when you can see your friends and when you can see your family.
If he's not a control freak, then he's emotionally immature or psychologically damaged with low self-esteem. His worth is based on having a woman attached to his hip 24/7 and he cannot do that unless he controls you.
Find a more emotionally mature guy who isn't likely to be controlling and manipulative and who has good self-esteem and values the quality of the time spent with you, and your views and opinions, and will let you be who you are, instead of what he thinks you should be.
OMG, Mircea & I actually agree on something! This is a C-D first!
OP, this may sound like an extreme reaction, but it's not. It's actually pretty much common sense. It's knowing a red flag when you see one, vs. getting distracted by his good looks, or whatever it was you found attractive, that's caused you to think you're "over-analyzing", and that everything will be ok.
I think there is no point in declaring to be "exclusive" until you really slept together, enjoyed the experience and are happy to see each other again. If something does not work out after you had sex, you will most likely break up regardless of any labels you might've agreed on. So I don't think there is any reason to agree to become exclusive until you had sex...
So you are saying that people should have sex first and then decide if they like each other enough to actually have a relationship? Wow, that blows my mind and reaffirms once again how old-fashioned I am!
I am literally shaking my head at that.
(Okay, well I guess I'll go back into my cave now and prepare some woolly mammoth stew for my husband.)
Last edited by katharsis; 09-26-2019 at 02:48 PM..
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