Husband traded my van in so he could get a new truck (cheated, family)
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Recently, my husband decided that he wanted to buy himself a new truck. He didn't really discuss it with me. Didn't ask if I minded. He just went out, found a truck he liked, and began the dickering process. Well, the deal ended up being that my van had to be traded in also to get the new truck. For my 50th birthday my husband had bought me a brand new VW that I had wanted for years. Long story short, emissions scandal, buyback he got more money back than he paid for it. He chose the buyback and bought my daughter a new car. I had to go back to driving a 14-year-old van. Then the incident came up about trading the van for the truck, which left me with no car and a rush to get one. He was going to limit me to a used VW, $5,000. I found a used one for $20,000. He didn't want to pay that much but I really didn't have much choice. Turns out the car is a lemon. I want a Final Edition VW, a NEW car, the last of the VW's. For months he was driving MY car and his truck remained garaged and undriven until I took the key fob out of my car and hid it. SO, he has a new $75,000 truck, my daughter has a new $20,000 Honda, and I have a used $20,000 lemon. Every time we go somewhere, it's MY car that gets driven. I am very very upset at this arrangement. I am retired and disabled so I don't have a job where I can just go buy the car I want. He KNOWS I want that VW but he couldn't care less. Money is not an issue. I do have a retirement pension (which goes to pay BILLS). I do not think this is fair at all. I talked with a salesman who said I could buy the car on my own. As a matter of fact, when my husband and I were engaged, he bought a truck without consulting me at all. I am so upset, angry, furious, and feel cheated. If I mention it to him, he blows up at me. Am I wrong? What would you do?
Well, you put up with his crap way too long and now want changes?
You are not wrong, but you allowed him to do his way all those years. It's hard to earn respect now. It looks like you didn't had much to say about finances of your household. Your husband learned to do what he pleases.
It is disrespectful and selfish? Sure. But it's too late to expect your husband to behave different.
I don't know your financial dynamics, but if money is no problem, perhaps you should bring the lemon back and buy yourself exactly what you want. Why not??
Well, you put up with his crap way too long and now want changes?
You are not wrong, but you allowed him to do his way all those years. It's hard to earn respect now. It looks like you didn't had much to say about finances of your household. Your husband learned to do what he pleases.
It is disrespectful and selfish? Sure. But it's too late to expect your husband to behave different.
I don't know your financial dynamics, but if money is no problem, perhaps you should bring the lemon back and buy yourself exactly what you want. Why not??
I thought about suggesting the same thing. (That she buy what she wants behind his back) I didn’t because two wrongs don’t make a right AND if the OP chooses to do this does she know what he will do? If he has been allowed to be controlling and selfish for 33 years what will he do if she stands up to him like that? Is she prepared for the fight or even for the marriage to unravel? She needs to think about that before acting. Fifty year olds don’t change their actions or attitudes easily. (I’m close to that age so I know). It is definitely not wrong to stand up for yourself, in fact that is exactly what I would do BUT the OP needs to be mentally prepared for the possible consequences.
Was the van in your name? I've never been in a situation where if our cars had both (or just mine) names on it that they didn't want my sign off.
Your marriage situation sounds awful but it's up to you to change it. It doesn't matter if we think he should buy you a new car-- it wouldn't persuade him or change your situation otherwise. You know how he is, change your expectation. You should definitely change your situation.
Recently, my husband decided that he wanted to buy himself a new truck. He didn't really discuss it with me. Didn't ask if I minded. He just went out, found a truck he liked, and began the dickering process. Well, the deal ended up being that my van had to be traded in also to get the new truck. For my 50th birthday my husband had bought me a brand new VW that I had wanted for years. Long story short, emissions scandal, buyback he got more money back than he paid for it. He chose the buyback and bought my daughter a new car. I had to go back to driving a 14-year-old van. Then the incident came up about trading the van for the truck, which left me with no car and a rush to get one. He was going to limit me to a used VW, $5,000. I found a used one for $20,000. He didn't want to pay that much but I really didn't have much choice. Turns out the car is a lemon. I want a Final Edition VW, a NEW car, the last of the VW's. For months he was driving MY car and his truck remained garaged and undriven until I took the key fob out of my car and hid it. SO, he has a new $75,000 truck, my daughter has a new $20,000 Honda, and I have a used $20,000 lemon. Every time we go somewhere, it's MY car that gets driven. I am very very upset at this arrangement. I am retired and disabled so I don't have a job where I can just go buy the car I want. He KNOWS I want that VW but he couldn't care less. Money is not an issue. I do have a retirement pension (which goes to pay BILLS). I do not think this is fair at all. I talked with a salesman who said I could buy the car on my own. As a matter of fact, when my husband and I were engaged, he bought a truck without consulting me at all. I am so upset, angry, furious, and feel cheated. If I mention it to him, he blows up at me. Am I wrong? What would you do?
I find it alarming, that he's not more considerate of your disability, not to mention--the family budget. But the budget issue was already evident during your engagement; he put the writing on the wall, and you ignored it. Though, granted, you were both young, so you may not have realized the importance of his spendy nature when you were 19. That's a strong argument for not marrying to young, but that's water under the bridge, at this point.
You two don't seem to be functioning as a couple.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 10-01-2019 at 12:57 PM..
You bought something that works exactly as advertised - your husband.
A little late to be surprised.
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Wait, didn't HE buy the van? Hmmm.
If you want something, married or not, and you want complete say-so over the said thing you want, YOU have to buy it. I am not saying he was right in his actions, I am just simply saying when it boils down to it, HE bought you the van.
Sell the lemon. Buy a reliable used vehicle with what you get for it. Put it in your name only. Stop thinking about specific cars you can’t afford.
See a therapist about your marriage, on your own.
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Luckily a used Sonata was easy on my size, gas, and wallet. 
