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If physical attraction is important and if a woman's beauty is that important to you, more than personality and similarities... then it would be unfair for you to stay in the relationship. I think eventually, it will resurface and you'll be unsatisfied.
So, it all depends on how important that feature is to in maintaining a long term relationship with someone.
I think beauty/attraction is about as important to me as it is to most people. I'm sure you probably don't want to date a guy who is nice but you have no attraction or chemistry whatsoever, do you? So there can't be that judgement that it is "that important to me." I think it's an important aspect just as you probably do.
I think if the tables were turned people on here, instead of saying "that's unfair to her" would be saying "why stay around with a guy that you have no attraction to."
The only difference is I'm willing to concede that attraction isn't binary and that it can increase over time.
I think beauty/attraction is about as important to me as it is to most people. I'm sure you probably don't want to date a guy who is nice but you have no attraction or chemistry whatsoever, do you? So there can't be that judgement that it is "that important to me." I think it's an important aspect just as you probably do.
I think if the tables were turned people on here, instead of saying "that's unfair to her" would be saying "why stay around with a guy that you have no attraction to."
The only difference is I'm willing to concede that attraction isn't binary and that it can increase over time.
Oh, no. We women get an earful about how we are too picky, our standards are unrealistic, we need to settle for Mr. Good Enough, give guys a chance, and so on. Then the predictable retorts that we don't owe any man anything. Back and forth it goes, endlessly.
I just think, as you say, it's not binary. I think that if you encounter something about a new prospective partner that is just downright off-putting, then yeah, you/anyone should walk away. You can't fight past downright revulsion after all!
But I think that the qualities that make up a human being are many, and if they are only meh in one way, they might be awesome in another. Like I can see myself with an average looking guy (since I'm in love with one, obviously) but the guys I met who had super nasty teeth, or the one who was overweight with fierce dandruff and squinty, twitchy eyes... It's pretty obvious when you go on a first date and you're like "Nope! We are done here."
But I was not getting that from what you described. I was getting that she's not ugly, just kinda...average-ish, decent looking maybe...she just doesn't quite hit the high tide mark you set with your super beautiful looking ex. Well, I'm not sure it's realistic for you to go though life rejecting every woman who isn't as hot as that one woman, and looks fade in time, anyhow. However, until you heal and get over your breakup and your ex enough to not be in "rebound mode" you should probably proceed slowly and cautiously with any new connections anyways. And it's completely reasonable to ask for the time you need. I don't agree with the majority who say you should stay alone during a healing/recovery period after a breakup...I think it's OK to date, it's only unfair and a problem when you let things get too serious too fast. When you are not yet the person you need to become, making commitments to someone new is not really acting in good faith. Dating new people after my marriage ended really helped me heal and recover and learn stuff about myself...but I was definitely not ready to be anyone's life partner for a while. And at first I did compare people to my ex (for better or worse), but a time came where I stopped doing that. I think the same could happen for you.
Oh, no. We women get an earful about how we are too picky, our standards are unrealistic, we need to settle for Mr. Good Enough, give guys a chance, and so on. Then the predictable retorts that we don't owe any man anything. Back and forth it goes, endlessly.
I find that young women tend to not be that fussy or picky at all, contrary to what all of the Incels say. I find that young women put up with far far more garbage than what the early Gen Xer's did, in my opinion. LOL, many other mammals make the male work a lot more for a little taste. Women now are expected to just put out and basically not be wooed. The Netflix and chill business. Porn mainstream acceptance now means that the average woman has to be a porn actress, practically, I don't know. Maybe all of this is the new norm for young people. Who knows. I do know that I've heard some hints of movements where women are starting to sort of yearn for the old days of "courting", I hate that word, but it fits, more or less.
Anyways, reading through this thread I gotta say that maybe I'm just old school but I think the OP is being pretty selfish here and basically using this woman. If she was my friend I'd tell her to give this dude his walking papers. This would be of course assuming that she wanted more. If she is just killing time with this guy, then well, have at it.
She is not unattractive but she doesn't get my heart beating either. My previous ex (whose story you are familiar with) activated a different part of me I didn't know existed. I would almost do almost anything to please her I was so infatuated with everything about her. Her happiness was my happiness.
Now I'm just like bleh. I mean she's ok, she's perfectly suitable, but my heart isn't racing and my ether parts don't have that reaction either. Don't get me wrong, I could probably date her for a while, she just seems so much more into me. It's the imbalance that is problematic. How can I share in enthusiasm I don't have.
On the flip side, having a partner for movies or dinner is kind of nice. That's where I'm at. Maybe I could date her longer and find I might grow in my feelings? I don't know.
My previous ex was the most attractive (physically) woman I have ever dated. She was like a model and part of me fears I'll never even get close to that and how do I lower my standards because I know I'm not at my ex's level.
I'm not familiar with your story other than these posts, but clearly with your ex, you experienced a state of being that you absolutely enjoyed; you felt devotion and purpose and passion. It's completely natural that you would want that again, because it felt so good, so thrilling, so delicious, so right.
And now you're out in the wild again, and you're with another woman, and you feel the deep lack of that devotion, that wanting to flow everything that is good about you towards another person. Whose joy is your joy. You miss those feelings very much, and you want it again.
When we don't have what we want, the answer is always an internal journey, not an external one. Now is the time to become brutally self aware, and admit to yourself what truly moves you. Own how you really feel, not how you think you should feel.
If physical beauty---a particular arrangement of physical features--is the main catalyst that inspires you to flow your goodness towards a woman, then right now you're just wasting your time (and her time) by flowing so little of yourself because you don't find this current woman worthy of your full attention. Don't use her physical appearance as an excuse for your lack of good feelings. As in "if she were just better looking, I'd feel a whole lot better and have a much better time." Take responsibility for your own predicament.
This woman is just as lovely as you, and she is flowing more of herself to you, which is why you like her. You like that she's flowing, but you don't really want to flow back. That's your current state of being.
But:If what's currently going on is the experience you want to be having, then you're doing just fine! Keep mostly holding back while enjoying her openness and feeling conflicted about it. Tamper her openness, manage her down, by keeping her at arm's length with your reticence, as you're doing.
If you want the experience of flowing more of your great self---because you know how great it feels---towards someone who you like despite their arrangement of physical features, then you can step into that fully, and find out more about yourself. It's a chance to discover more of what is attractive about people, other than just a physical appearance. *How freeing could that be?!?
If you find that you only want the experience of flowing towards a woman who is physically beautiful, then it's much, much better to be alone and wait for that beautiful woman who is your catalyst for loving and passionate self expression. If that's who you are devoted to, then be devoted to her even when she has yet to arrive in your life. If that ideal is worth everything, than don't compromise on yourself.
All of this is fluid. Just be authentic to yourself. Because what's really exciting---more exciting than the most beautiful person you could possibly imagine---is when you realize you're so much more in control of the life experience you want then you think. That's the real prize.
I wish you the very best!
Last edited by typical_guinea_pig; 10-03-2019 at 11:53 AM..
Reason: typos errors
I think beauty/attraction is about as important to me as it is to most people. I'm sure you probably don't want to date a guy who is nice but you have no attraction or chemistry whatsoever, do you? So there can't be that judgement that it is "that important to me." I think it's an important aspect just as you probably do.
I think if the tables were turned people on here, instead of saying "that's unfair to her" would be saying "why stay around with a guy that you have no attraction to."
The only difference is I'm willing to concede that attraction isn't binary and that it can increase over time.
How handsome are you?
Did you introduce this lady to your son? What is he thinking about her? I mean, you just got dumped by the love of your life.....
You were ready to do EVERYTHING for her, because she was just such adorable Barbie and you thought that every man envied you.
If you find that you only want the experience of flowing towards a woman who is physically beautiful, then it's much, much better to be alone and wait for that beautiful woman who is your catalyst for loving and passionate self expression.
... you felt devotion and purpose and passion. It's completely natural that you would want that again, because it felt so good, so thrilling, so delicious, so right.
That was a very nice post, but unfortunately this ^^ is not accurate at all.
The OP, like many of us, has some emotional deficiencies, and he was trying to make up for those by dating a person who was beautiful to him on the outside but was devoid of meaning and any ability to reciprocate.
Now he's at it again and looking for the next best thing, finding fault in her without bothering to look inward himself.
That was a very nice post, but unfortunately this ^^ is not accurate at all.
The OP, like many of us, has some emotional deficiencies, and he was trying to make up for those by dating a person who was beautiful to him on the outside but was devoid of meaning and any ability to reciprocate.
Now he's at it again and looking for the next best thing, finding fault in her without bothering to look inward himself.
This.
Anddddddd...I just have to know how gorgeous OP is to be judging this woman's looks.
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Women now are expected to just put out and basically not be wooed. The Netflix and chill business. Porn mainstream acceptance now means that the average woman has to be a porn actress, practically, I don't know. Maybe all of this is the new norm for young people. Who knows. I do know that I've heard some hints of movements where women are starting to sort of yearn for the old days of "courting", I hate that word, but it fits, more or less.
