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Old 10-03-2019, 08:16 PM
 
127 posts, read 54,356 times
Reputation: 129

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Hello America, hello world,

I've been online dating one person for 15 months by now, we've written with each other on a biweekly basis, sometimes more, sometimes less. We have never met so far in real life but we want in near future.
Never before have I told him that I want him – until today!
So for the first time, I wrote him „YOU BELONG TO ME NOW AND THERE'S NO REVERSAL" followed by three different heart emoticons that I haven't used before either.

He replied with:
I'm surprised. But you don't know me personally. How can you say that?


I was terrified by his answer and I don't know how to respond and need your help.

On the one hand, he is totally right – we never met, so I don't know him personally, if we define personally as physically.

On the other hand, I feel kinda deeply sad because even though we never met, I felt that I know him personally, if we define personally as privately, as individual character conveyed through words. I know that most people will value real life physical interaction more than online communication and it is understandable.


How shall I respond?

I thought about the following options:

Option one: I apologize for my remarks and agree with him.
Option two: "How can I say that?" - Because I think we can also express our personality via online communication and that I can also already now make such a judgement/comment. If we only allow such comments to be uttered if phyiscal interaction has taken place before, it somehow means that online words are of inferior meaning. I did not wait 15 months to make this comment, but after 15 months I had the impression I could make it.
Option three: Say that I was drunk while writting this comment.
Option four: something else?

What would you write?

Am I stupid for writing such a comment?
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:22 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,908,774 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by AvrilLavigne View Post
Hello America, hello world,

I've been online dating one person for 15 months by now, we've written with each other on a biweekly basis, sometimes more, sometimes less. We have never met so far in real life but we want in near future.
Never before have I told him that I want him – until today!
So for the first time, I wrote him „YOU BELONG TO ME NOW AND THERE'S NO REVERSAL" followed by three different heart emoticons that I haven't used before either.

He replied with:
I'm surprised. But you don't know me personally. How can you say that?


I was terrified by his answer and I don't know how to respond and need your help.

On the one hand, he is totally right – we never met, so I don't know him personally, if we define personally as physically.

On the other hand, I feel kinda deeply sad because even though we never met, I felt that I know him personally, if we define personally as privately, as individual character conveyed through words. I know that most people will value real life physical interaction more than online communication and it is understandable.


How shall I respond?

I thought about the following options:

Option one: I apologize for my remarks and agree with him.
Option two: "How can I say that?" - Because I think we can also express our personality via online communication and that I can also already now make such a judgement/comment. If we only allow such comments to be uttered if phyiscal interaction has taken place before, it somehow means that online words are of inferior meaning. I did not wait 15 months to make this comment, but after 15 months I had the impression I could make it.
Option three: Say that I was drunk while writting this comment.
Option four: something else?

What would you write?

Am I stupid for writing such a comment?

I think it was an oddly dramatic thing to say.

I don't see a declarative statement about owning someone to be particularly romantic.

All I would say in reply to his comment is that you love him as you know him, and you look forward to getting to know the whole of him soon.

Don't overplay this. He's right; you don't really know him in total, and frankly the things you say to him are conditional. Just do your best to meet him ASAP.
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:23 PM
 
Location: Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4,088 posts, read 2,557,771 times
Reputation: 12494
Those words that you wrote would scare the bejeezus out of me even if I already had met my partner in person and had been dating them for some time.

Sometimes, it's rather difficult to read tone via the written word without knowing a person, but taking ownership of a person like that comes across as frighteningly possessive, even if that was not your intention when you wrote those words.

It might be best to simply tell him that you're really looking forward to meeting him in person as soon as possible and are excited to see how your relationship progresses afterward.
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:28 PM
 
127 posts, read 54,356 times
Reputation: 129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
Those words that you wrote would scare the bejeezus out of me even if I already had met my partner in person and had been dating them for some time.

I think your impression is plausible and I also share thew view that it might sound somehow "psycho-scary"/"possessive" and the he likely interprets it the same way you do.
So the best solution for me is to apologize? How can I make it so that he won't feel scared anymore?
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,518 posts, read 34,815,517 times
Reputation: 73734
If some guy wrote that to me I would never talk with him again.
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Old 10-03-2019, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4,088 posts, read 2,557,771 times
Reputation: 12494
Quote:
Originally Posted by AvrilLavigne View Post
I think your impression is plausible and I also share thew view that it might sound somehow "psycho-scary"/"possessive" and the he likely interprets it the same way you do.
So the best solution for me is to apologize?
You're definitely excited to meet and be with him and have really enjoyed getting to know his inner self via the written word. There's nothing the matter with that, I think.

Enthusiasm during the early stages of a relationship is a wonderful feeling. Perhaps there's a way that you could better convey how you feel to him combined with a gentle explanation of what you meant when you wrote those words.

I don't feel as though an apology is necessary as you didn't do anything wrong, per se. It just seems that your chosen words didn't quite manage to accurately express how you're feeling.

If you are able to Skype, FaceTime, or do old-school telephone calls, that might be the best way to tell him how you feel about him and your developing relationship.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 10-03-2019 at 08:53 PM..
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Old 10-03-2019, 09:06 PM
 
20,757 posts, read 8,565,658 times
Reputation: 14393
Have you spoken on the phone? If not, why not?

Do you have plans to meet? If not, why not?

I suspect he is married or has a girlfriend
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Old 10-03-2019, 09:12 PM
 
10,341 posts, read 5,862,033 times
Reputation: 17885
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
If some guy wrote that to me I would never talk with him again.
Ha ha! I kinda like it, if I know he’s at least 1/2 kidding.
The problem is, OP, he’s soooo right. Know that you could be in for a big let down, he’s probably experienced that, so he’s apprehensive and warning you.

Been there done that, so many times the first couple of years “online dating” that I have a rule now because of it: 5 messages and we meet, or good bye. The person you’re texting with is bound to be quite a bit different than the one you meet in person,

Still waters run deep and all that— you'd be surprised how much somebody can share with you when they aren’t face-to-face, then have very little to say in person.

Say you were just getting excited about meeting, then hold off on the “proclamations”, until you’re in the same room.
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Old 10-03-2019, 09:25 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,193 posts, read 107,809,412 times
Reputation: 116092
"You don't know me personally" means, that you have no idea if the persona he's presented to you is the real him. You don't even know if he is a "he"; you could be being catfishes, so how could you make a statement such as yours, to someone that you don't even know is real?

That's what it means. He's right. Online dating for over a year, and you've never met? That's not dating. THat's a pen-pal.
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Old 10-04-2019, 08:47 AM
 
Location: H-town, TX.
3,503 posts, read 7,495,745 times
Reputation: 2232
Quote:
Originally Posted by AvrilLavigne View Post
Hello America, hello world,

I've been online dating one person for 15 months by now, we've written
I stopped reading there.

Don’t get me wrong, the folks that run all these OD sites and apps would prefer you waste your time and money and fattening their wallets, but you really don’t have to do that.
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