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I'm assuming you looked at her phone without her knowing and found these texts. Has she given you reasons in the past for doubting her intentions? Violating her privacy indicates you have zero trust in her right now.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious conversation about how this makes you feel and setting boundaries. You are not going to fix this problem by reporting a blow by blow text conversation on a Internet forum. Communication is the only way you are going to be able to get some resolution.
How did I come to find the texts? Well, in the middle of their last (in August) 3.5 hour lunch, she wasn’t responding to multiple texts, checking in to tell her what I was planning with the kids, etc, multiple phone calls also went to voicemail. I knew she had her phone on silent and in her purse......
Still, for hours at that point, in our favorite restaurant, with another man! The optics were awful and it suddenly dawned on me, what’s really going on here and how has she missed my texts and calls! I was at our computer and opened the iMessage that mirrors all her texts. It was then I discovered the extent of their communication over the prior 9 months. I finally called the owner of the restaurant, a personal friend of ours, to have her tell an employee to tell my wife to turn her ringer on. She immediately did and apologized for inadvertently turning it off and putting it in her purse. We had a conversation about it when she got home, how I didn’t like the idea of 3 hour lunches with another man. I held it together until that evening, and then broke down, devastated at even the idea that she could be in that space with another man for hours and hours, how it looked, how it must have been. She didn’t know I had the texts. We spent two weeks, me emotionally and completely broken, destroyed, her feeling absolutely terrible for me, with me to some extent. I wanted to know everything about what they talked about, emailed, phone calls, texts........
She was conspicuously silent and avoidant when the idea of texts came up. I probed many, many times for information, but didn’t want to just demand it right there. Instead, I wanted her to tell me everything, to admit and stop the lies! She still, at that point, maintained that she had done nothing wrong. Nothing.
Days later, now two weeks in past D day, she finally offered for me to look at the texts. What she showed me was completely and totally curated, deleted, sterilized, sanitized, missing any semblance of continuity.....a mess. Obviously so. She’d deleted anything even remotely inappropriate. That’s when things went really bad when I confronted her on what she’d done........
Terrible awful thing.
1/5/19 (Friend) Happy new year to you and your family. Running to Chicago on Monday. Back on Wednesday. Still look forward to catching up with you. Mx
(Wife). Happy new year (M) and Happy Birthday (tomorrow). Is this 50?!? Can we do lunch next week? I can do any day except Wednesday, 1/9 Friday?
(Friend) Yes, 50 tomorrow. Ugh. Still have the maturity of about 14, so I should ask for your forgiveness ahead of time should I run astray. That said, Friday may be a possibility but I will not know for sure until I return to the office Thursday morning.
1/5/19 8:27pm (Wife). Young at heart is the best way to be. (BLUSHING SMILE EMOJI) No prob, I’ll pencil it in. Totally fine to cancel up to the last minute, I work from home......
1/11/19 9:01am (Wife) Hi (Friend)! I’m so sorry, but I can’t make lunch today. Have to manage mom this morning, afternoon. Not even sure you made it home in one piece after your ordeal. :-). I can do lunch any day next week except Wednesday. Let me know what your schedule is looking like. (HEART EYES EMOJI)
1/11/19 11:30am (Friend) Made it home late. Still catching up. Speak soon.
1/14/19 9:18pm (Friend) Catching up this week. Are you around next? Have to drive (C) (* C is Friend’s daughter, from a prior marriage) back to school on Saturday. Back after that. Look forward to seeing you. Mx
1/17/19 3:47pm (Friend) I’ve been busy with my mom too. Hang in there. I think of you often.
1/18/19 11:30am (Wife). Trying my hardest. It’s been a rough week.
1/18/19 (Friend) know the feeling. Halfway to (city). Home late tonight.
1/19/19 (Friend) The little one is back at school safe and sound. Hope you’re staying warm and cozy. See you soon.
2/24/19 11:41pm (Wife)Miss you too! I know exactly how you feel getting lost in the day. Heading to bed now but will check in with you tomorrow to try and get us back on the calendar. Good night. (BLUSHING SMILE EMOJI)
2/25/19 10:19am (Wife). Free for coffee or lunch this Thursday or Friday?
(Friend) Lunch, Thursday?
(Wife) Yes, you pick the spot. Local would be good. Rather maximize talk time.
2/25/19 (Friend) How about (restaurant)?
(Wife). Sure, never been there. Casual? Business casual?
(Friend) Probably business casual, but I go in jeans and polo. Good food. Quiet.
(Wife) Perfect, 12:30?
(Friend) Perfect, looking forward.
(Wife). Me too! (BLUSHING SMILE EMOJI)
*Wife and Friend have three hour lunch together*
2/28/19 4:26pm (Wife) SO good to catch up with you today. (BLUSHING SMILE EMOJI) If you ever need an ear to help with your mom’s situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Looking forward to having you over soon, maybe with dinner via “fresh go-go”
2/28/19 5:43pm (Friend) I really enjoyed catching up with you as well. I missed you and felt it strongly this afternoon. I was actually thinking about what to write to you. These are emotional times for both of us and I often find that such strong feelings can easily be displaced into those around us- especially those whom we trust and respect. With that, I hope you understand that I offer the following with the same respect and pure intentions. You are beautiful and I could have hugged you a hundred times today. I hope that makes some sense. :-) look forward to seeing you again soon. ~M
2/28/19 9:36 pm (Friend) I hope my comments do not make you uncomfortable. If so, I apologize. There is no subtly hidden message. Just that I’m so thankful for reconnecting with you and really appreciate the opportunity to talk. It’s an emotional time, and mine tend, all too often, to spill out all over the place- not just where, perhaps, they more functionally belong. Then, after having proper “function” best into me for so many years, I’ve learned its definitely worth setting aside some time for pure form. I’m so happy to have shared the rediscovery of yours after so much time. Hope to talk to you soon- welcome of course, the kids and (my name). Great to see you, hang in there, sweet dreams. -M.
2/28/19 (9:15pm) (Wife) OMG, not uncomfortable at all. In fact, I read your lovely text earlier but didn’t have a chance to reply and was worried you’d be worried that I was uncomfortable if I took too long to reply LOL. The kids just went to bed (they seem to be coming down with something, ugh) and I literally just sat down to reply to you when your second text came through. I completely understand where your heart is and I was honestly going to say the same thing you just said. I’m so thankful to have reconnected with you, especially during this sensitive time for both of us. Your friendship always meant a great deal to me and does even more now. I’m sure we’ll both continue to get caught up in our busy lives, but I hope we’ll both find the time to reconnect as often as possible as we did today. Sending you hundreds of hugs back. (BLUSHING SMILE EMOJI)
3/1/19 9:41 am (Friend). I’m glad. Please call me should you need anything. In the meantime, know you are in my thoughts. (KISS WINK EMOJI)
Man- I have read this story somewhere before. Another site maybe?
4/20/19 6:41pm
(Friend) Hey (wife’s name). Thank you for such kind words and know that I remain here for you, for anything, as well. I think one of the few good things to come from situations like these is that they remind us, we are not alone. Sure, your family is there, but sometimes it is easy to forget that you can reach outside this inner circle to close friends and loved ones. I don’t call on this network often but am always reassured when I do. Sometimes for just tiny things and sometimes for more. Sometimes very openly and sometimes privately.
I will be happy to talk to you about your mom and some of the decisions she will have to make. I am driving (daughter) back to (city) tomorrow. We can speak while I’m driving home or anytime Monday. Let me know what works for you. Best to you and your mom. My thoughts are with both of you. M <3
* For some context, and to set the emotional ingredients and stage for this, her friend’s mom had been quite ill and passed away in the spring. Additionally, my mother in law was also diagnosed with a terminal illness in March. It helps explain the behavior, but does not excuse it. He was clearly grooming her for a physical affair, already crossed many boundaries into emotional affair territory, and she was willing to be a part of it and indeed fertilize the ground with her words and three hour lunches with him. I’ve come to know a but about this guy through some research. He’s had serious problems, a horrific divorce and custody dispute, a massive drug problem as of ten years ago, and a penchant for making death threats to a former business partner and his family. I’m sure the fact that my wife was willing to engage him, a total waste of a person inside in many respects, was quite attractive. She has everything- a perfect marriage, two amazing kids, a loving husband, a beautiful home, everything. Hell, even the physical differences between him and me would further enhance his ego if she’s choosing to be with him, in any way. He’s a big, fat, old man, twice divorced, drug problems at least in the past, failed businesses. I’m far from it, have a six pack abs in my late 40’s and bench 300 pounds. Mensa. I’m sure this wasn’t lost on him and only fed his pursuit. Anyhow, feels good to share this for some strange reason. Cathartic.
To be honest, it's still fairly rare that a woman hangs out one on one with a straight man that she doesn't find attractive.
There's a reason why when you go the mall or downtown and you see a man and a woman walking together, you just assume they are a couple.
When I'm out with my girlfriend people just assume we're a couple. How the f@ck do they know we're a couple? For all they know, she could be my co-worker, or friend, or sister.
One of the reasons I think women think it's a big deal is because they know other women aren't just going to go hit golf balls and grab a beer with some random shmo...
I just absolutely reject the idea/notion that two adults of opposite gender can't have lunch or an offsite activity together without it being completely professional/platonic.
I'm meeting a friend and ex-colleague today for Thai/lunch. She is 55ish and single while I'm mid 30's and married. She was just laid off from our prior employer and she needs help/advice as well as a bit of friendship/support on where to go next. Her son is my age and in college so she is carrying alot of financial burden as a single parent trying to prepare for retirement at some point. I feel no need to share this with my spouse nor am I concerned of any in-appropriate activities happening.
I feel sorry for anyone that would be too weak to do a similar activity and be concerned about their morality/actions.
Man- I have read this story somewhere before. Another site maybe?
Yes, but no need to link to it. I’m just gathering more here. I’ve got my head around this, but wanted to push back against the marriage counselor and my wife should it persist that opinions on marriage forums are too biased. He’s with me in that it was an emotional affair, but she took his opinion about the bias on other forums to explain why I haven’t found anyone who agrees with her.
Are you seriously expecting us to believe anything else you write here?
I also find the idea that a marriage therapist would advise you to seek feedback on online quite dubious.
He didn’t advise me at all. I’m here all on my own, creating the biggest mountain of “unbiased” opinions I can muster. You see, even in light of having our lives turned upside down by this, she’s still in a state of denial. She claims that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the lunches, that it all depends on the context and that it was her, not just any woman that was there. I reminded her that the context was, in fact, a large volume of inappropriate texts, deceiving me and deleting all the problematic texts to hide them from me and the persistent denial that she’s done something wrong.
He didn’t advise me at all. I’m here all on my own, creating the biggest mountain of “unbiased” opinions I can muster. You see, even in light of having our lives turned upside down by this, she’s still in a state of denial. She claims that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the lunches, that it all depends on the context and that it was her, not just any woman that was there. I reminded her that the context was, in fact, a large volume of inappropriate texts, deceiving me and deleting all the problematic texts to hide them from me and the persistent denial that she’s done something wrong.
You're trying to build a case in the court of public opinion against your wife, who is the only person to whom you need to be talking about this.
It's obvious that you see yourself as quite a catch and cannot possibly fathom that she would turn to someone else. Obviously your marriage is not as wonderful as you assumed, and you two need to work to clear the air, get ALL the secrets out, and determine if your bond can be strengthened.
I believe there still could be more she hasn't told you.
Gathering info to use with your therapist? Any therapist worth their salt would not even entertain you bringing that up in a session. The only opinions that matter belong to the couple sitting in that room.
There's so much here that doesn't make sense.
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