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What's not clear is what you want from these relationships and what you are willing to give in return. And what do these women want from a relationship and what are they willing to give in return. Seems like money, education, position doesn't really change any of that. What ever happened to just being attracted to someone and to their personality and character and wanting to make some sort of a life together?
Clearly you have never been through the divorce process yet. If there are large financial disparities between you and your spouse before you marry, if the relationship doesn't work out, you end up sending her large alimony payments. If you make the same amount of money that is less of an issue.
The other issue is just finding someone with the same attitudes about money. Some people even people who make a lot of money also blow most of it. If you marry them and you don't share the same attitudes about spending, you will fight a lot about money. They will accuse you of being too cheap. You will feel that they are too extravagant. People who are frugal tend to emphasize the security aspect of money. If something goes wrong, its nice to have money to be able to fix that problem. So having money saved has a value of its own for them. For people who are less frugal, spending money is just fun and what is the purpose of having money if you aren't going to spend it? I am not saying that either value is inherently right or wrong, but if you have different ideas about money is a recipe for fighting as a couple.
What's not clear is what you want from these relationships and what you are willing to give in return. And what do these women want from a relationship and what are they willing to give in return. Seems like money, education, position doesn't really change any of that. What ever happened to just being attracted to someone and to their personality and character and wanting to make some sort of a life together?
OTTOMH, if someone is focused quite a bit on travel (i.e., "Europe and two cruises a year"), money will certainly come into play. Unless that individual plans on traveling alone.
These days, it's very rare for a divorce without children ending up with any alimony if both people are working, especially if they have only been together a year or two. In fact most people in their 60's or older don't marry, whether they are living together or not, due to issues with pension, property, savings, wills, etc. But the OP gave no indication he was thinking of marriage. He seemed more worried about how these women would affect his finances than anything else.
But that's why I brought up the question of what the OP and these women wanted our of a relationship, and what they were willing to give. Politics, religion, education, job, money has never mattered to me. The main issue for me was physical attraction, personality and character.
I met my wife when I was 26 so I had 9 years of dating experience by the time we met. Even though that was 48 years ago I don't think the basics have changed. My Mom was married 4 times, my son three times. I've seen dating for three generations over the past 65 years, I think it is pretty much the same as it always was.
I agree people need to agree about money. My wife and I always have, but we never discussed it. I always told her, don't worry about it, and she never did. We started with nothing and understood we had to make do. Now we have it and buy whatever we want, whenever we want, but don't waste it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
Clearly you have never been through the divorce process yet. If there are large financial disparities between you and your spouse before you marry, if the relationship doesn't work out, you end up sending her large alimony payments. If you make the same amount of money that is less of an issue.
The other issue is just finding someone with the same attitudes about money. Some people even people who make a lot of money also blow most of it. If you marry them and you don't share the same attitudes about spending, you will fight a lot about money. They will accuse you of being too cheap. You will feel that they are too extravagant. People who are frugal tend to emphasize the security aspect of money. If something goes wrong, its nice to have money to be able to fix that problem. So having money saved has a value of its own for them. For people who are less frugal, spending money is just fun and what is the purpose of having money if you aren't going to spend it? I am not saying that either value is inherently right or wrong, but if you have different ideas about money is a recipe for fighting as a couple.
Naturally, people need to agree on the basics. It would seem that would be fairly easy to define early on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADogNamedSam
OTTOMH, if someone is focused quite a bit on travel (i.e., "Europe and two cruises a year"), money will certainly come into play. Unless that individual plans on traveling alone.
These days, it's very rare for a divorce without children ending up with any alimony if both people are working, especially if they have only been together a year or two. In fact most people in their 60's or older don't marry, whether they are living together or not, due to issues with pension, property, savings, wills, etc. But the OP gave no indication he was thinking of marriage. He seemed more worried about how these women would affect his finances than anything else.
But that's why I brought up the question of what the OP and these women wanted our of a relationship, and what they were willing to give. Politics, religion, education, job, money has never mattered to me. The main issue for me was physical attraction, personality and character.
I met my wife when I was 26 so I had 9 years of dating experience by the time we met. Even though that was 48 years ago I don't think the basics have changed. My Mom was married 4 times, my son three times. I've seen dating for three generations over the past 65 years, I think it is pretty much the same as it always was.
I agree people need to agree about money. My wife and I always have, but we never discussed it. I always told her, don't worry about it, and she never did. We started with nothing and understood we had to make do. Now we have it and buy whatever we want, whenever we want, but don't waste it.
So I was on a dating site for a month and have been corresponding by text with a women I'll call"M1". She claims to be from Michigan, although she has been working in Texas for the last 2 months. She is originally from France and her English grammar is not the best. She seems to be of very modest means since she claimed that she and her husband had to sell their home, cars and other assets to pay for his medical care before he died.
I did a background check, which came up blank! She gave a partial excuse by saying she left everything in her spouse's name after he passed away 3 years ago, but nobody can be on the grid, and not create some personal public records.
There were some signs that were definitely red flags, but really I have nothing to lose by continuing the conversation. The only thing that suggested that we may be incompatible, besides the red flags, is that she is a Christian who thinks GOD acts personally in her life, and I'm an atheist, in all other ways we seem pretty compatible.
Initially our communications were all about our values, outlook on life, our work, and our shared interests. Lately this has devolved into, "How are you?', "How's work going, What did you eat for breakfast, lunch & dinner (she says she is concerned that I'm eating healthy, which is obvious from my response, but she doesn't share her details on what she is eating, and when I ask her, just like everything else, she's vague.
She has not talked to me on the phone, either in Michigan or Texas, claiming that she is having a problem with her provider and being able to hear clearly (for 2 months?) I also suggested that we video chat, but except for a 15 second attempt before the connection was lost, she just continues to text.
She owns her own small business where she designs and creates women's clothing she sells, but she has no web address for the business, and I suspect it isn't doing all that well.
So besides the communication red flags, she did also tell me that she had accepted a contract from a company to assist designing their Spring line, and then said that her machine broke, she hurt her hand severely enough to go to the ER, and to repair her machine will cost $2,000 dollars. And yes, she did ask me if I could help her with that. Of course I said no, because we are really nothing more than pen pals despite what she might say or feel She did say that she would be willing to relocate to where I am, but her red flag issues, her lack of specificity and d etails about her life, and her unwillingness to communicate in any way except texting has me wondering if this would ever work. She had no money to get her machine fixed and she had no contingency plan, so I'm wary of that, and if her financial situation would make her more of a dependent than a partner.
M2 is local. We are meeting for the first time on Saturday for drinks at a very very expensive authentic Cuban restaurant. She has a law degree but she works for a bank, which she named. I haven't done a background check on her yet, but she has freely given me enough specific information about her to do so.
I'm wondering if she suggested such an expensive place (they have 28 to 35 dollar entrees) as a test, or to see if I'd be intimidated by going to a place where the parking lot photo on the internet shows Lamborghini's and Porches, while I have a Mazda. She is obviously very accomplished and has money.
So what to you think about these two? What would you do?
M1 is typical online scam, all of her! People of very modest means plan so that they don't have to sell basic stuff to pay for medical care. M2 may only want to be wined and dined? Regardless of how much money one has, why choose a very, very expensive restaurant for first meet? Are you willing to maintain her standards?
M2 could be testing you. It's possible she met people who were trying to use her for her money and wants to make sure that's not the case with you. Meeting once to see if you hit it off may be worth your while. It could also be that this is commonplace for her and she thinks it's the norm to spend money this way. You won't know unless you get to know her.
Clearly you have never been through the divorce process yet. If there are large financial disparities between you and your spouse before you marry, if the relationship doesn't work out, you end up sending her large alimony payments. .
There are only a few states left that have permanent alimony. Most states have done away with this kind of alimony system, as it is inherently unfair. My state only allows alimony up to three years and that's only if there was documented domestic abuse during the marriage. I don't think too many men need to be concerned about alimony laws, unless they live in one of the few states that still have it.
There are only a few states left that have permanent alimony. Most states have done away with this kind of alimony system, as it is inherently unfair. My state only allows alimony up to three years and that's only if there was documented domestic abuse during the marriage. I don't think too many men need to be concerned about alimony laws, unless they live in one of the few states that still have it.
Fair enough
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