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she lives 2 hours away during the week to be her grandmom and comes to my area to live with friends. So she is not working right now and has unstable housing was not going to make it a big deal.
The issue is that there is a point where it's too soon to invest big feelings, yet some do it anyways because they're lonely and looking for someone, anyone, to latch their hopes onto.
Timberline says in more recent responses, and I agree, that basically the normal/chill/sane way to go about this is:
- You've connected, and had one pleasant date. It would be nice if it worked out.
- But then some stuff happened and life demanded that the lady divert her attention elsewhere.
or
- She maybe started making excuses not to meet.
(But I think it's more likely the former...I mean, the flu is a thing, people get sick, and "oh NOW it's grandma, jeez, just block me"...wtf? OP are you unaware that the flu is contagious?)
The issue is getting emotionally spun up over someone you barely know. Yes, it would be nice if everything went smoothly and it all worked out from the get-go, but LIFE HAPPENS. This woman should not be expecting this near-stranger to put his entire dating life on hold for her while she tends to this flu outbreak in her life, he could be meeting others and going about his business. Instead, he's spent days fussing and fretting over whether she is telling the truth about being sick, or lying (for some reason?) When either way, the correct course of action is the same...as Timber said, "I sure hope you feel better soon, get in touch when you're well if you'd like to go on another date, I had a great time and would love to see you again when that is possible!" And then go on with your freaking life.
And it all comes back to this "comfort of controlled failure" thing. The minute some dudes feel an ounce of hope that their loneliness might come to an end and this time...this time...maybe it'll work out... They start looking for reasons that it's just another failed attempt. That cynical, "I knew it. I knew it wouldn't work. She's probably lying and playing games. Just like the rest. Women!" Round and round it goes, for many of our struggle-bros here, for YEARS AND YEARS. We hear the same story over and over. "I met this woman, and we had a first date and it went really well!" And then a week later, "Well she had the flu," or "She says she's got this event she has to deal with" or "She's working long hours" and the insistence that because she dares to have a life other than him, she must be a lying, game playing so-and-so.
Like, it couldn't be that she actually has a life? And how dare she not put literally every single other thing on the backburner, even her health somehow, in order to make sure this man she just met, has his needs seen to...like that new connection is somehow supposed to be her highest priority in the whole world? A stranger, should be more important than her job, her existing obligations, her Grandma's health, her own health? The feeling is that the guy is saying, "Dating is a life or death imperative to me, and if I don't think it is for you, then I'm OUTTA HERE!"
The vibe is that these guys are eager to euthanize any connection, because the faintest hint of uncertainty is unbearable. It's better to cut bait, than to just chill out and let it be and maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. And that's where this weirdly high level of investment is in evidence. It's so...all or nothing.
And to be honest, while yes in a relationship that has had the time to become...a relationship...which after a date and some texts, it most certainly is NOT an invested relationship...I will make my partner a high priority. The fact that I would not do so for every bozo I've just met, doesn't mean I won't once we are a Thing. But even then, he is not my ONLY priority. And if I am sick, or a relative is sick, or my work is placing demands on me, or whatever, then I am gonna need him to not wig out about it, and to understand that I am a whole person with a life, including obligations besides him.
I feel like I have said everything I wanted to on this issue, but I also want to check in with you to make sure you feel like you have been heard and understood.
Well, I can't read through 16 (!) pages of this dreck, but maybe just maybe if you had one date and thought it went well, then she said "I can't go out with you now because I'm sick as a dog" - MAYBE, just MAYBE - she's just sick as a dog?
Maybe bring her some hot chicken soup?
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