Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,718,665 times
Reputation: 41376
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
^^ She said that? Ugh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
Sorry chuck. But we are talking about online dating. A perfectly normal thing to do, and an opportunity to meet wonderful people. This IS victim blaming.
Ugh what? She would state the best course of action for herself alone if she was very fearful about the possibility of rape? She is “victim-blaming”? That phrase being thrown around like a hot potato is exactly why men don’t want to participate in conversations about addressing rape.
Ugh what? She would state the best course of action for herself alone if she was very fearful about the possibility of rape? She is “victim-blaming”? That phrase being thrown around like a hot potato is exactly why men don’t want to participate in conversations about addressing rape.
Yup. Suggesting the right course of action, as she has done twice now, is to stop living is victim blaming. If that is troublesome to you, that's a bummer for you.
I did NOT suggest that the right course of action is to stop living.
I suggest, learn to say no!
I was on online dating. I said no to lots of guys. I did not think, every time I said, "Sorry, don't think we're a match. Good luck to you!" that OMG he's gonna threaten to rape me! I didn't go around with that kind of paranoid hypervigilance about it.
I said that if I felt that way, that saying no politely but honestly, was some kind of trigger to EXPECT I should be in fear, that a guy is gonna threaten, stalk, or rape me... If I felt that way about saying no... Why would I plunk myself into a fishbowl full of strangers who want to date me? Where I need to be able to say no?
I don't want to have to say, "I'm sick." or "My car won't start" or have to crunch my brain to come up with a non-threatening lie.
My expectation, is that a woman would be able to say, "I'm not feeling this" or some other form of honest rejection.
Without fear.
Because you were trying to say that the woman in the OP's scenario was acting completely normal and reasonable on account of women are scared of threats and rape and such. I don't think she was acting normal, or reasonable, because I don't think her chosen excuse even fits the bill. It keeps the guy thinking "OK but there's more to this...?" It didn't even work as a sane form of a brush off. It was strange. He was strange, she was strange, whole lotta strange stuff going on all over the place there.
I have nothing against online dating. But I don't assume that saying no honestly is going to be a problem.
Somehow you are putting an emphasis on different words in the same sentence that I said. I was not saying something along the lines of "if you fear rape, don't date." I was saying more along the lines, "If saying no makes you feel unsafe, find another way to date than online dating, since you probably need to say no a lot there."
I excuse no one's bad behavior. Even when I try to wrap my head around where in the heck it's coming from, and how people might be feeling.
I did NOT suggest that the right course of action is to stop living.
I suggest, learn to say no!
I was on online dating. I said no to lots of guys. I did not think, every time I said, "Sorry, don't think we're a match. Good luck to you!" that OMG he's gonna threaten to rape me! I didn't go around with that kind of paranoid hypervigilance about it.
I said that if I felt that way, that saying no politely but honestly, was some kind of trigger to EXPECT I should be in fear, that a guy is gonna threaten, stalk, or rape me... If I felt that way about saying no... Why would I plunk myself into a fishbowl full of strangers who want to date me? Where I need to be able to say no?
I don't want to have to say, "I'm sick." or "My car won't start" or have to crunch my brain to come up with a non-threatening lie.
My expectation, is that a woman would be able to say, "I'm not feeling this" or some other form of honest rejection.
Without fear.
You know. If you wanna roll that way. Knock yourself out. But to suggest that it is bad behavior to dodge a super freak. Sorry, I think that attitude is not only wrong, it is dangerous.
"And for real, if I thought that I couldn't say no to a man without him threatening to stalk or rape me, I would damn sure not be on a dating site in the first place."
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
Sorry chuck. But we are talking about online dating. A perfectly normal thing to do, and an opportunity to meet wonderful people. This IS victim blaming.
Can you unpack this more? I am not saying that your wrong, but I am not following your argument either. I just feel like you are assuming the conclusion with out actually making an argument. I feel like I am missing some subtleties that you are obvious to you that I am seeing that I am not seeing. I hope you don't feel like I am deliberately trying to be obtuse. That is not my intent.
Sorry chuck. But we are talking about online dating. A perfectly normal thing to do, and an opportunity to meet wonderful people. This IS victim blaming.
At the very least, it reeks of "I'm better/braver/smarter than you!" Not nice. As if all women are expected to feel and act the same when their gut is trying to tell them something.
No. Not because I am mean. I honestly have no idea what to say that would make this any more clear. To suggest that the correct answer to this risk is to stop dating is to place the responsibility of the victim of that kind of behavior. WHat else can I say?
At the very least, it reeks of "I'm better/braver/smarter than you!" Not nice.
Trust me when I tell you that I am brave enough and that some kind of dissemination is far kinder than what I might otherwise do for some of these people. I simply do not feel it is my responsibility to bend over backward to appease these twerps as that poster does.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
