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Old 10-18-2019, 07:51 AM
 
Location: The ghetto
17,760 posts, read 9,215,344 times
Reputation: 13332

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I'm pretty sure the OP realizes she can leave her husband. I think she wants to know how to fix this problem without leaving her husband.
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Old 10-18-2019, 08:28 AM
 
1,914 posts, read 2,245,107 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
I'm pretty sure the OP realizes she can leave her husband. I think she wants to know how to fix this problem without leaving her husband.
The only way to change her situation without leaving her husband is for her husband to want to change. She cannot make him want to change. The chances of his having the kind of epiphany that would let him see what an awful person he is are vanishingly small. This problem is not fixable without replacing the husband. The one she has chooses to be an abusive jerk. To get the kind of relationship she wants, she's going to have to find a better-quality husband.
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Old 10-18-2019, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,253 posts, read 12,974,454 times
Reputation: 54051
OP, what will your worthless waste-of-skin husband do when he doesn't get his $1200/month in weed?
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Old 10-18-2019, 08:41 AM
 
Location: The ghetto
17,760 posts, read 9,215,344 times
Reputation: 13332
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaofan View Post
The only way to change her situation without leaving her husband is for her husband to want to change. She cannot make him want to change. The chances of his having the kind of epiphany that would let him see what an awful person he is are vanishingly small. This problem is not fixable without replacing the husband. The one she has chooses to be an abusive jerk. To get the kind of relationship she wants, she's going to have to find a better-quality husband.
I also don't really see it as fixable, but I get the impression the OP loves this guy despite his numerous flaws. I don't think she wants to leave him.

It's a difficult situation.
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Old 10-18-2019, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Texas
13,480 posts, read 8,390,475 times
Reputation: 25948
I don't feel sorry for you. You should have divorced him by now. It is not that hard to be single and alone.
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Old 10-18-2019, 09:39 AM
 
2,048 posts, read 2,158,016 times
Reputation: 7248
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
I also don't really see it as fixable, but I get the impression the OP loves this guy despite his numerous flaws. I don't think she wants to leave him.

It's a difficult situation.
Yeah, me too. I think this is venting.

OP, if this were an easy situation to leave you would have taken off when you lost your house. I'd imagine you DO love him and believe you're his last hope of not being completely homeless like his brother is.

It's hard to even know what to say.

Of course he is wrong, and doesn't deserve you. What do you deserve? Do you believe you deserve to be happy?

On a side note, you write very well. And you have a unique perspective on life. You could write your story. And maybe it would help you see your way through this.
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Old 10-18-2019, 09:57 AM
 
13,262 posts, read 8,034,249 times
Reputation: 30753
Quote:
Originally Posted by nctrailertrash View Post
Some of y'all might remember me from my post from a few months ago. We lost our (owned) home, mostly because of my husband's drug addiction. We were almost homeless. I ended up being able to buy a mobile home in cash, and we found a great landlord to rent a lot from. We are "stable," as "stable" as we can be at this point.

Anyway, so, as I said in that same post...I actually make pretty good money. About $1,000 a week. My husband has done coke/crack for the vast majority of our 10 year relationship. He has been clean for about 5-6 months, though. And he really has been.

But, he still "has to have" about $1200 a month in weed.

That's not all. Not only do I pay for me and my husband's cell phones, but I now pay for his brother's (who is homeless by choice in Florida) and his grandma's (who raised him, is in her 70s and lives off of Social Security) cell phones.

He gives our Netflix password to EVERYONE. Including his sister, who actually lives in a half-million-dollar house.

We have cable, and he gives our Suddenlink password to his grandma, brother, etc. so that they can log into the HBO app, etc. and watch.

He gets REALLY mad when I ask him why he gives our passwords to everybody or why I have to pay everyone's way. Or like...we had a discussion about buying 1/4 or 1/2 cow meat from a local farmer. He was talking about how we could give some to his sister, his grandma, blah blah.

But why DO I have to pay for everyone? I have to pay for my husband's speeding tickets and his child support. I have to pay for his weed. Thousands of dollars of my money has gone to his dope habit. I have to support his entire family, too?

HOW did my life end up this way? WHY do I have to take care of everyone all the time? I am losing my freaking mind here. I was raised by my mom, who was abused by my dad, to make my own money so I'd never have to depend on a man.

But I feel like I get intimidated and stomped all over the same way.

I get fussed at about dishes or laundry just like my mom did. Worse, actually. My dad just kinda expected clean clothes and hot food. I don't remember him being picky about food or fussy about stuff. And at least he DID work all day and provided for our family.

My husband is SUPER fussy and complains ALL the time about EVERYTHING. He doesn't like my square white bowls because they're too annoying to eat cereal or soup from. He doesn't like our silverware because it's too flimsy. He doesn't like chicken or turkey except in VERY specific situations. He will NOT eat leftovers.

He complains about how i do laundry or dishes. How/when I cook.

I mean, he's the one who hasn't worked since like 2012. It doesn't even matter. And now I apparently have to pay for everyone's cell phone and cable...and meat? and everything. wtf. And get fussed at like I'm a housewife who doesn't do her chores well enough?? wtf

You can answer the question better than we can, but MY answer is..."You don't HAVE to pay for any of that. For some reason, you choose to. "
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Old 10-18-2019, 10:01 AM
 
13,262 posts, read 8,034,249 times
Reputation: 30753
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
I'm pretty sure the OP realizes she can leave her husband. I think she wants to know how to fix this problem without leaving her husband.
Well if THAT'S the case, what OP can do is quit enabling everyone.


If husband wants clean clothes, she can show him how the washer and dryer works, and that's it.


If he wants a hot meal, he can ask his mother how the oven works. Or she can buy him some frozen dinners, and show him how the microwave works.


Sounds like to me, he'd be lost without OP. Let him feel some pain.
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Old 10-18-2019, 10:19 AM
 
12,850 posts, read 9,067,991 times
Reputation: 34940
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
I'm pretty sure the OP realizes she can leave her husband. I think she wants to know how to fix this problem without leaving her husband.
She can't fix the problem. This harkens back to the question I (and I suspect many other guys as well) had when I was in high school. Why did so many girls fall in love with the bad boys who were nothing but trouble? No matter how badly they were treated. Didn't make sense to me then. Doesn't now.
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Old 10-18-2019, 10:33 AM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaofan View Post
The only way to change her situation without leaving her husband is for her husband to want to change. She cannot make him want to change. The chances of his having the kind of epiphany that would let him see what an awful person he is are vanishingly small.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tnff View Post
She can't fix the problem. .


This is the truth. A person CAN NOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. A person really needs to want to change, and with addiction issues, even then, it is hard. Yup, he can truly want to change, for himself, and even then it is incredibly hard.


She needs to look to herself. This is a co-dependency situation which is super common with couples with addiction issues. Al-anon and/or counseling is needed. She can not fix him. End of story.
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