Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-18-2019, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,927,052 times
Reputation: 98359

Advertisements

Well, if she boots him, there won't be any more scapegoats in her life.

She has to be getting something out of staying with this loser. Sometimes people who do this, even as they complain about it, feel like heroes for supporting so many deadbeats.

It's twisted.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-18-2019, 12:29 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 8,022,582 times
Reputation: 30753
She can start by changing passwords.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2019, 12:31 PM
 
2,557 posts, read 2,680,436 times
Reputation: 1860
There are emotions and we get caught up by the superficiality of people's looks too. So, I think people are being too hard on you for the venting. It's good that you want to do something about your predicament. There's great advice on here for how to deal with your situation. If you don't follow through after this, then that's on you totally.

It would be one thing if the husband was managing his own money and his own drugs, but that's not even the case.

But yeah, considering what you're doing and that his sister isn't even helping to pay for his habit, you need to immediately close out accounts, get a divorce lawyer, and run. Run, run, run away from this entire family. You can do so much better.

I wouldn't tell your work that you're supporting someone else's drug habits, but it is worth using any time you have to take off and deal with moving out as soon as possible.

I'd also sell the mobile home if you can and look up a number for shelters your husband can call if he's complaining about places to try to live as a result of the change.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2019, 01:10 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,009,489 times
Reputation: 3666
Quote:
Originally Posted by nctrailertrash View Post
Some of y'all might remember me from my post from a few months ago. We lost our (owned) home, mostly because of my husband's drug addiction. We were almost homeless. I ended up being able to buy a mobile home in cash, and we found a great landlord to rent a lot from. We are "stable," as "stable" as we can be at this point.

Anyway, so, as I said in that same post...I actually make pretty good money. About $1,000 a week. My husband has done coke/crack for the vast majority of our 10 year relationship. He has been clean for about 5-6 months, though. And he really has been.

But, he still "has to have" about $1200 a month in weed.

That's not all. Not only do I pay for me and my husband's cell phones, but I now pay for his brother's (who is homeless by choice in Florida) and his grandma's (who raised him, is in her 70s and lives off of Social Security) cell phones.

He gives our Netflix password to EVERYONE. Including his sister, who actually lives in a half-million-dollar house.

We have cable, and he gives our Suddenlink password to his grandma, brother, etc. so that they can log into the HBO app, etc. and watch.

He gets REALLY mad when I ask him why he gives our passwords to everybody or why I have to pay everyone's way. Or like...we had a discussion about buying 1/4 or 1/2 cow meat from a local farmer. He was talking about how we could give some to his sister, his grandma, blah blah.

But why DO I have to pay for everyone? I have to pay for my husband's speeding tickets and his child support. I have to pay for his weed. Thousands of dollars of my money has gone to his dope habit. I have to support his entire family, too?

HOW did my life end up this way? WHY do I have to take care of everyone all the time? I am losing my freaking mind here. I was raised by my mom, who was abused by my dad, to make my own money so I'd never have to depend on a man.

But I feel like I get intimidated and stomped all over the same way.

I get fussed at about dishes or laundry just like my mom did. Worse, actually. My dad just kinda expected clean clothes and hot food. I don't remember him being picky about food or fussy about stuff. And at least he DID work all day and provided for our family.

My husband is SUPER fussy and complains ALL the time about EVERYTHING. He doesn't like my square white bowls because they're too annoying to eat cereal or soup from. He doesn't like our silverware because it's too flimsy. He doesn't like chicken or turkey except in VERY specific situations. He will NOT eat leftovers.

He complains about how i do laundry or dishes. How/when I cook.

I mean, he's the one who hasn't worked since like 2012. It doesn't even matter. And now I apparently have to pay for everyone's cell phone and cable...and meat? and everything. wtf. And get fussed at like I'm a housewife who doesn't do her chores well enough?? wtf
Why haven't you just divorced this person already?! You're not responsible for him like a child.You're a grown person who for some weird reason is still having this person in your life! You state that you were raised to make your OWN money so you wouldn't be dependent on a man...Well guess what?! You have a MAN dependent on YOU.Get a divorce so you will only have to fend for you and no one else.He's a leech.He is living off of you and you're allowing it! End this misuse of this so-called relationship.He is no man.He doesn't want to act like a real man who should be out there working and help to support himself.He's using you so when will you do something about it??
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-18-2019, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Florida
7,195 posts, read 5,725,104 times
Reputation: 12342
Oh man. I'm so sorry you're in this position. You know as well as everyone else what you need to do if you want to not be subjected to this anymore, and I am sorry that that's the reality of it. It sucks. I totally get it.

So the questions (that you do not have to answer here, obviously!) are:

-Do you plan on leaving? If you don't, then venting is fine, but if you're doing it on a public forum, you are going to get suggestions that you don't like. If you don't mind the suggestions, then carry on... but if they are hurting you more than helping, maybe vent to a friend (with the understanding that you don't want her to offer advice) or, if you can't find someone like that who you trust, write it in a journal. But try to find a friend to listen to you. I don't know if you have friends like that who you can talk to about anything... that would be ideal. Then you will also have someone to help you if (when) the you-know-what hits the fan.

- If you do plan on leaving, is the main sticking point physical/financial (like you don't have a physical place to go or you don't have extra funds laying around that you can use to leave) or emotional (like you know you need to leave but you just can't make yourself do it)? The former is easier to solve than the latter, unfortunately, but you can overcome it.

- Are you willing to make a plan? If you are, there are resources to help. Heck, there are probably people on this very forum who would help an abused wife (and yes, you are being abused) get away from her abuser. But there are likely domestic violence shelters and hotlines in your area who can help. Don't know if you are religious at all, but talk to a mainline church or synagogue for help if you aren't opposed to it. (This is probably going to be a controversial statement, but I would avoid going to an evangelical church unless you already know the pastor well... some of them will encourage an emotionally abused wife to stick with her husband because she's not being beaten and my unsolicited opinion is that you don't need to hear that right now.) If you are being physically abused, PLEASE do what you need to do to get out ASAP! Like tonight or tomorrow if at all possible. I'm being serious. If there is no physical abuse, maybe you can take a little longer to make a plan. But you're obviously smart and know how to get your ***** together...you pulled off solving your other situation, which, to be honest, sounded kind of hopeless. You know what you need to do. Do it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-19-2019, 07:07 AM
 
14,294 posts, read 13,186,136 times
Reputation: 17797
You don't have to. Why do you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-19-2019, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
8,590 posts, read 12,344,993 times
Reputation: 24251
You have a "victim" mentality even though you have options and a role in this mess. As long as you continue to think of yourself as a victim of the circumstances, you won't have the ability to change it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-19-2019, 07:18 AM
 
9,372 posts, read 6,975,888 times
Reputation: 14777
You married and stayed with a crack addict pot head... None of what you’re describing should come as a surprise. Congrats on your dedication to the man but these are the prices to pay to the piper for deciding as such.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-19-2019, 07:19 AM
 
8,170 posts, read 6,033,533 times
Reputation: 5965
Quote:
Originally Posted by nctrailertrash View Post
Some of y'all might remember me from my post from a few months ago. We lost our (owned) home, mostly because of my husband's drug addiction. We were almost homeless. I ended up being able to buy a mobile home in cash, and we found a great landlord to rent a lot from. We are "stable," as "stable" as we can be at this point.

Anyway, so, as I said in that same post...I actually make pretty good money. About $1,000 a week. My husband has done coke/crack for the vast majority of our 10 year relationship. He has been clean for about 5-6 months, though. And he really has been.

But, he still "has to have" about $1200 a month in weed.

That's not all. Not only do I pay for me and my husband's cell phones, but I now pay for his brother's (who is homeless by choice in Florida) and his grandma's (who raised him, is in her 70s and lives off of Social Security) cell phones.

He gives our Netflix password to EVERYONE. Including his sister, who actually lives in a half-million-dollar house.

We have cable, and he gives our Suddenlink password to his grandma, brother, etc. so that they can log into the HBO app, etc. and watch.

He gets REALLY mad when I ask him why he gives our passwords to everybody or why I have to pay everyone's way. Or like...we had a discussion about buying 1/4 or 1/2 cow meat from a local farmer. He was talking about how we could give some to his sister, his grandma, blah blah.

But why DO I have to pay for everyone? I have to pay for my husband's speeding tickets and his child support. I have to pay for his weed. Thousands of dollars of my money has gone to his dope habit. I have to support his entire family, too?

HOW did my life end up this way? WHY do I have to take care of everyone all the time? I am losing my freaking mind here. I was raised by my mom, who was abused by my dad, to make my own money so I'd never have to depend on a man.

But I feel like I get intimidated and stomped all over the same way.

I get fussed at about dishes or laundry just like my mom did. Worse, actually. My dad just kinda expected clean clothes and hot food. I don't remember him being picky about food or fussy about stuff. And at least he DID work all day and provided for our family.

My husband is SUPER fussy and complains ALL the time about EVERYTHING. He doesn't like my square white bowls because they're too annoying to eat cereal or soup from. He doesn't like our silverware because it's too flimsy. He doesn't like chicken or turkey except in VERY specific situations. He will NOT eat leftovers.

He complains about how i do laundry or dishes. How/when I cook.

I mean, he's the one who hasn't worked since like 2012. It doesn't even matter. And now I apparently have to pay for everyone's cell phone and cable...and meat? and everything. wtf. And get fussed at like I'm a housewife who doesn't do her chores well enough?? wtf
Divorce. That simple. Run, don’t walk, first thing Monday morning and file.

Last edited by LowonLuck; 10-19-2019 at 07:28 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-19-2019, 08:58 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,396 posts, read 24,449,916 times
Reputation: 17477
Since it seems like you’re more or less bankrupt, it might be a good time to divorce him. Are you actually married or is this guy just a long term connection?

Cut off his allowance. Give him the trailer in the settlement and move across town.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top