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I'm 25 and its the first time I've been cheated on. We broke up 3 months ago. I used to live very close her so I moved out. I haven't seen her or talked to her since I moved out (around 2 months ago). I was very much in love with her. I think about the fact that she cheated on me at least 4 times a week. I get mad and sad and I can't stop thinking about it. When I was still living close to her, I saw her with the guy that she cheated on me with, and I can't get that image out of my head. It hurts so much and I end up crying myself to sleep most nights.
Does it get better? I don't know what I should do to get over it. I definitely don't want to get back with her. That I know for sure. But I can't get over the cheating.
It will get better.
I'm so sorry.
I know. Hurts like HELL.
Please remember this was not about you.
It's hard not to take it personally, but it was not about you.
Have you considered getting a dog? Not only are they great companions but you can potentially meet a lot of new people while you're out walking the dog or taking it to the dog park and stuff. I'm a cat person but I like dogs and I've seen a lot of people really helped by getting a dog after a bad breakup that left them sad and lonely.
When I was younger I thought cheating was such an awful thing. I also believed in true love and finding your soulmate. Now I feel like cheating is possible for anyone. Someone who cheats makes a series of decisions that puts them in that place. So I guess I am objective about it now. It just means they are not committed to you and the cheating is symptom of that. So if anyone in future cheats on me, it's over. It's a betrayal beyond physical wants, it means they were too selfish to tell you they needed more, or wanted to have their cake and eat it to. Why cry about a lost cause. I don't want someone who isn't loyal.
Not gonna lie, I've been drinking more lately. Probably every other day. I lost all of my friends because of the break up. My ex and I had the same group of friends. I met her 7 years ago and we've had the same friends since then. We were best friends for 3 years before we started dating, thats whats so hard.
I literally have no friends now. They only hang out with her, I'm not really sure if they know what happened. I also moved far from everyone, so its hard to see them. They haven't asked about me or said anything.
I just finished grad school so I'm currently applying for jobs, so I have a lot of free time. I work out and play soccer from time to time, but I have so much free time. I spend several days without actually talking to anyone. I see some friends on weekends but thats it. I'm not from the U.S so my whole family is 2500 miles away. I have no family here. I talk to them on the phone but I don't really want to share my problems with them because they have their own problems and I don't want them to worry.
Its time for better self care. What happened with your ex happened, but that is water under the bridge, dwelling on it isn't going to change it. So work on things you can.
First I would start temping somewhere while applying for a more permanent position. You want to be busy ideally in a place where co workers are social with each other, I think the hospitality industries here are useful, but you might be better suited for working in book store. But the focus of this short term job should be more fun than money.
Two exercise. When you break up, you have a dopamine crash, that is why you are drinking more right now, but alcohol increases your dopamine levels in the short term, but over the longer term is a depressant. Exercise raises both BDNF and testosterone. Testosterone is a natural anti-depressant. BDNF causes neurogenesis (new brain cells) both are associated with reducing depression. Moreover exercise works both short term and longer term in boosting mood where booze does not.
Also watch your diet. Iceland has the lowest levels of depression in Europe despite being super far north where people who are prone to sessional affective disorder should get it, but they don't because everyone there eats plenty of fish with omega 3s and this wild berry which is also loaded with omega 3s. What you don't want to be eating is fast food. Eat real food, anything with ingredients your 6 year old nephew can pronounce with ingredients than can go bad. Fresh fruit yes, twinkies no.
Three work on building your social network. Sign of for classes where you meet people. Maybe take an improv class, maybe learn to Tango or Salsa. Look for activities where you need to meet the same group of people and interact with them.
Lastly consider if any old friends are worth rehabilitating. Its useful to have friends. Some of the people in your past may still be willing to be friends with you if you reach out to them. If you are concerned that these friends will be a back channel of info about your ex and you want to keep them out of your life I understand. But if you have dropped your old friends because you think they are more loyal to her, test that assumption. Odds are many will be supportive of you, just because of the circumstances, so you don't have to drop them unless you really want to.
Give it a year and you’ll feel much better. Give yourself time to heal. Don’t think jumping into another relationship is going to ease the pain, because it will not. I’ve been cheated on a few times, so I have some understanding of what you’re going through. The pain SUCKS!
Hang in there. Let time do it’s magic. Keep yourself occupied.
leboss12345, you won't find the answers in a bottle. Alcohol might temporarily numb your pain and feelings, but it can quickly create a whole new host of issues that are far more difficult to tackle and overcome than infidelity itself. Lay off the booze.
I think you are "spinning," which is understandable given the betrayal you have experienced, because your life has been thrown for a loop, i.e., ex cheated, broke up with ex, loss of friends, recent grad, looking for job, family miles and miles away and so on. Just a couple of those recent experiences you have had to deal with would cause upheaval in many peoples' lives. You're not weak; you're human and in pain.
You've reached out to us here on CD, and many of these stalwart CD responders here will show you nothing but compassion and offer the best and most thoughtful advice and support they can muster. Lean on them for guidance and support.
The more you dwell on her the harder it will be to move on. Your thoughts basically create your emotions and perspective. The trick is to not ruminate over it for longer than necessary and change what you are thinking about or recontextualize the situation.
If this is just a girlfriend then you can be thankful she showed her true colors before you married her. No one deserves to be cheated on. You can learn from this and find a better quality woman. Just look at it this way....sometimes the trash takes itself out. A cheater is in fact trash. You deserve better.
Truth. I dated a guy who was still seeing his ex, and had no idea until she did a drive by in one of his cars, pointing a rifle at the house. I left the next day.
I would cut back on the drinking. It doesn’t help in this sort of situation. It does take time to heal.
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