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Thank you. It's going to be so hard and so painful.
I didn't put it in the post but just 2 days ago he got mad because I wanted to tell people our wedding date...
He cancelled the last 2 or shall I say (delayed) and said March 7th now.....but the other night he told me I should not say that publicly until I can prove that I fix myself in key areas....
Is this serious? Are you really wanting to marry this guy?
Yes and yes!!! And you KNOW that too...otherwise you wouldn't start this thread with your long post.
Did you learn anything after reading all those 175 posts, advice and suggestions? Or you're still asking the same questions and looking for endless excuses?
Would you consider this abusive? Enough to leave? Or am I being left…
I’ve been engaged for 4 years to my fiancé who has been VERY angry lately. And while I’m sure it’s important to share the WHOLE story, I know I would drown you in boring details.
I guess they don’t matter at this time. But, I haven't sold my old place although I live with him. I pay all of my own bills and I have a very good career.
I arrived home yesterday afternoon and he is on call for work all weekend. It basically means I spend the weekend alone, because he gets uncomfortable if I am out with a friend (especially single) because he seems threatened by that. (He doesn’t go out with friends, either…which is a by-product of his controlling me.)
So, yesterday, he was on the phone with work and he got off (while on his laptop) and started swearing and looking very disturbed…which isn’t necessarily unusual for him. But, he seemed upset. I asked what’s wrong. He blew up and said NOT NOW…. So I didn’t say anything further. So then about 20 minutes later….it happened again, and I said “are you ok?” He blew up again and said “when you need to know something…I’ll let you know.”
SO, I went back to my laptop and I could feel my anxiety building. About 10 minutes later, he got up and I didn’t say anything. He said “you are quiet…what’s wrong with you now?”
I said well you got very upset so I’m afraid to say anything.
That led to his complete shouting meltdown. He said the following:
“You cause me stress. You are NON STOP stress for me. I’m sick of living like this. You are KILLING ME and my blood pressure. 6 years ago before you met me I was happy and joking around and I look at videos and i know that you have made me a different person. I’m cold and stressed ALL the time. Because I have to deal with you.
(he recently read my phone and saw that I had told a new friend about some of the things that he says …(like this) and she said I needed to leave). So he said “I have texts of seeing what you say about me…and how you feel I’m ABUSIVE and you know, that’s SLANDER. I could SUE you. You ruin my name everywhere when you talk about me.” (i had also told this person that I didn’t like the apartment he got and that it was depressingly dark)
He then said “i hate my fuc*ing life. Do you see what you’ve done to me?” “i am constantly worried when you are around. She’s not going to be happy. She is going to be alone because I have to work. The PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE (as he is screaming and punching his fist into his palm).
I started to cry…and he said “oh hereeee we go. You are just A VICTIM. POOR YOU! POOR YOU! I’m SO MEAN.”
I said look, I didn’t say ANYHITNG. I just told you I wasn’t speaking because you bit my head off when you were upset at work.
He said OHHHH you never do anything. Noooo you just want to get married ….you want me to set a date. You want this you want that. But I LOATHE when you are coming home because I have to worry about you…”what is she thinking …what is she doing…. is she plotting to leave me. It’s NON STOP”
He said you just don’t like the fact that I know deep down who I am ….I have strong character. I could live in a **** place and I am still worth SO Much. I know my value and you HATE that. And you know I could run CIRCLES AROUND YOU.
I said ‘did you just say that you can run CIRCLE around me?’ He said “yes, and you just hate it. And if you have a problem with that …that’s because you are a Narcissist. And you HATE me because I’m SOMEONE impressive. You want to tear me down.
He said “if you weren’t here…I would just go to do my work and not have to worry about ANYONE. But here I am NON STOP stress worried about trying to make you happy and I am SICK OF ThIS LIFE.
So I had my laptop open and I brought up some prayers on my screen. I stared at my screen and tried to pray for relief and the strength not to engage.
He said what are you doing? I said I’m looking at my computer. He grabbed it and said “ohhhh no you are PRAYING? Do you think you are a Godly woman for slandering me to your friends? You are NOT. You are sick”
He said that we haven’t had a good weekend or even a good day in two years…. and that he’s sick of looking at my depressed face. He said he has a journal of every day and all of our problems and that he is currently reading a book at he knows I would throw up if I read it because it defines me. Says that I”m a narcissist and a gaslighter and I”m SICK.
He said "so you need to figure out what you are going to do here, because I don't want to live like this and you have to change." I said let's just have a good weekend, "he said well it's VERY hard with you.... I don't know how to even have a good day anymore...so YOU need to figure out what to do here..."
So I managed to not engage in the fight. I told myself i need to make an exit plan for the relationship. And after he calmed down he said he wanted to go to dinner before he went into work. We did. He held my hand as we walked and acted like nothing happened. He asked why I was so quiet? I said no reason…all is fine.
He went to work for an hour..I bought a bottle of wine at the store and had a couple of glasses and went to sleep watching a movie. He came home and went to sleep too.
Today? he acts like all is fine? He’s at work and he keeps texting and asking if I’m ok (which he always does). He asked why I’m so quiet. I said no reason..just working. He even suggested we go house shopping this weekend…..
I went to spin class today and I started crying in class. All i could hear is “i hate my fuc*ing life thanks to you. You know I can run circles around you…and you are just jealous of my character”
I feel SO alone. So sad. and I’m really not sure what to do. I see him dressed for work and being all kind today….he’s so attractive …fit. Has a lot going for him even though he’s 50. But, the reality I heard last night was VERY hard.
I would request advice on how to deal with this — IF it’s possible?
Oh, he's actually told me that he's had personality tests and he agrees with narcissist and even "psychopath to a degree" He says he has some empathy ....so he isn't FULL BLOWN but that he skews that way.
I will say that I have a lot of respect for his intelligence and his success and while he likes to use it against me, it does hold me at times.
But the other night he literally said "you just know I can run circles around you...." It makes me MAD.
well that's easy to say.....but it's hard to do. Especially after investing 5 years with him.....
What is hard? Go back to your own house, and break the engagement. You are wasting precious time, when you could be with someone who is not abusive and controlling.
If you didn’t already know what you should do, you wouldn’t have posted. Get some self respect.
What is hard? Go back to your own house, and break the engagement. You are wasting precious time, when you could be with someone who is not abusive and controlling.
If you didn’t already know what you should do, you wouldn’t have posted. Get some self respect.
No. Ending serious relationships is actually very hard, as is the recovery afterwards. But sometimes in life you are required to do hard things because they are the right things to do.
well that's easy to say.....but it's hard to do. Especially after investing 5 years with him.....
No. It’s easy to do. Who cares how much time you invested. Look where you are now. BTW, marriage will only quadruple the stress so, if you want to live this life in the future, except with legal attachments, good luck with that. The guys is miserable. Do him a favor and let him go. He obviously is too weak or guilty to do it so do it for him. That is the honest truth. You’ll both be happier later.
It's quite obvious that this whole thread isn't serious, but whatever...
I disagree this time, and I'm often one of the first people to notice that sort of thing.
I thought that at first, but it sadly seems completely sincere to me, now.
Everything about OP's way of thinking is consistent with a person who has been abused for years and isn't seeing the situation clearly. Everything.
The good news is, she has left him, for now. And maybe all of these people echoing the same advice will help.
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