Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Would you consider this abusive? Enough to leave? Or am I being left…
I’ve been engaged for 4 years to my fiancé who has been VERY angry lately. And while I’m sure it’s important to share the WHOLE story, I know I would drown you in boring details.
I guess they don’t matter at this time. But, I haven't sold my old place although I live with him. I pay all of my own bills and I have a very good career.
I arrived home yesterday afternoon and he is on call for work all weekend. It basically means I spend the weekend alone, because he gets uncomfortable if I am out with a friend (especially single) because he seems threatened by that. (He doesn’t go out with friends, either…which is a by-product of his controlling me.)
So, yesterday, he was on the phone with work and he got off (while on his laptop) and started swearing and looking very disturbed…which isn’t necessarily unusual for him. But, he seemed upset. I asked what’s wrong. He blew up and said NOT NOW…. So I didn’t say anything further. So then about 20 minutes later….it happened again, and I said “are you ok?” He blew up again and said “when you need to know something…I’ll let you know.”
SO, I went back to my laptop and I could feel my anxiety building. About 10 minutes later, he got up and I didn’t say anything. He said “you are quiet…what’s wrong with you now?”
I said well you got very upset so I’m afraid to say anything.
That led to his complete shouting meltdown. He said the following:
“You cause me stress. You are NON STOP stress for me. I’m sick of living like this. You are KILLING ME and my blood pressure. 6 years ago before you met me I was happy and joking around and I look at videos and i know that you have made me a different person. I’m cold and stressed ALL the time. Because I have to deal with you.
(he recently read my phone and saw that I had told a new friend about some of the things that he says …(like this) and she said I needed to leave). So he said “I have texts of seeing what you say about me…and how you feel I’m ABUSIVE and you know, that’s SLANDER. I could SUE you. You ruin my name everywhere when you talk about me.” (i had also told this person that I didn’t like the apartment he got and that it was depressingly dark)
He then said “i hate my fuc*ing life. Do you see what you’ve done to me?” “i am constantly worried when you are around. She’s not going to be happy. She is going to be alone because I have to work. The PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE (as he is screaming and punching his fist into his palm).
I started to cry…and he said “oh hereeee we go. You are just A VICTIM. POOR YOU! POOR YOU! I’m SO MEAN.”
I said look, I didn’t say ANYHITNG. I just told you I wasn’t speaking because you bit my head off when you were upset at work.
He said OHHHH you never do anything. Noooo you just want to get married ….you want me to set a date. You want this you want that. But I LOATHE when you are coming home because I have to worry about you…”what is she thinking …what is she doing…. is she plotting to leave me. It’s NON STOP”
He said you just don’t like the fact that I know deep down who I am ….I have strong character. I could live in a **** place and I am still worth SO Much. I know my value and you HATE that. And you know I could run CIRCLES AROUND YOU.
I said ‘did you just say that you can run CIRCLE around me?’ He said “yes, and you just hate it. And if you have a problem with that …that’s because you are a Narcissist. And you HATE me because I’m SOMEONE impressive. You want to tear me down.
He said “if you weren’t here…I would just go to do my work and not have to worry about ANYONE. But here I am NON STOP stress worried about trying to make you happy and I am SICK OF ThIS LIFE.
So I had my laptop open and I brought up some prayers on my screen. I stared at my screen and tried to pray for relief and the strength not to engage.
He said what are you doing? I said I’m looking at my computer. He grabbed it and said “ohhhh no you are PRAYING? Do you think you are a Godly woman for slandering me to your friends? You are NOT. You are sick”
He said that we haven’t had a good weekend or even a good day in two years…. and that he’s sick of looking at my depressed face. He said he has a journal of every day and all of our problems and that he is currently reading a book at he knows I would throw up if I read it because it defines me. Says that I”m a narcissist and a gaslighter and I”m SICK.
He said "so you need to figure out what you are going to do here, because I don't want to live like this and you have to change." I said let's just have a good weekend, "he said well it's VERY hard with you.... I don't know how to even have a good day anymore...so YOU need to figure out what to do here..."
So I managed to not engage in the fight. I told myself i need to make an exit plan for the relationship. And after he calmed down he said he wanted to go to dinner before he went into work. We did. He held my hand as we walked and acted like nothing happened. He asked why I was so quiet? I said no reason…all is fine.
He went to work for an hour..I bought a bottle of wine at the store and had a couple of glasses and went to sleep watching a movie. He came home and went to sleep too.
Today? he acts like all is fine? He’s at work and he keeps texting and asking if I’m ok (which he always does). He asked why I’m so quiet. I said no reason..just working. He even suggested we go house shopping this weekend…..
I went to spin class today and I started crying in class. All i could hear is “i hate my fuc*ing life thanks to you. You know I can run circles around you…and you are just jealous of my character”
I feel SO alone. So sad. and I’m really not sure what to do. I see him dressed for work and being all kind today….he’s so attractive …fit. Has a lot going for him even though he’s 50. But, the reality I heard last night was VERY hard.
I would request advice on how to deal with this — IF it’s possible?
well that's easy to say.....but it's hard to do. Especially after investing 5 years with him.....
Do not invest another minute. Be thankful you are seeing his true colors now and bow out of this gracefully. Let tomorrow be the beginning of your new life without that negativity.
well that's easy to say.....but it's hard to do. Especially after investing 5 years with him.....
So you'll invest another 5 years with an abusive man? His behavior, screaming at you and abusing you emotionally, and then being nice as if nothing happened is very typical of an abuser. Are you happy? Will you be happy in 5 more years with this man if nothing changes? Can you live the rest of your life like this?
You have a house and can provide for yourself. You have your own friends.
Do not invest another minute. Be thankful you are seeing his true colors now and bow out of this gracefully. Let tomorrow be the beginning of your new life without that negativity.
Thank you. It's going to be so hard and so painful.
I didn't put it in the post but just 2 days ago he got mad because I wanted to tell people our wedding date...
He cancelled the last 2 or shall I say (delayed) and said March 7th now.....but the other night he told me I should not say that publicly until I can prove that I fix myself in key areas....
He said he would wear a ring and call me his wife....but he doesn't understand why I want the PAPER document so much and said I'm just looking for security ...and that I'm suspicious.
Even though...I make my own money and he isn't exactly a millionare right now....
This is who he is. He's not going to miraculously change for the better with time. And it's only going to get worse for you if you decide to stick with him.
Leave now and remove him completely from your life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
