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My gut has never led me straight in these sorts of circumstances. With women it has steered me into one brick wall after another my whole life. I don’t trust my gut at all. In fact, when my gut tells me something in a potentially romantic situation my head immediately jumps in with “Wait, wait, let’s take a closer look at this.” My gut has always been wrong.
(As recently as yesterday, in fact...had a very pleasant interaction with a rep at a store I frequent for work. She kept strong eye contact with me, she initiated and kept returning to a long...20+ minute...conversation with me, she volunteered personal information about her life and experiences, asked me about my life and experiences, even invited me to her church, never mentioning a boyfriend. My gut said...hey, she looks like she could have been interested. My head said...look her up. So I check her out on Facebook, and yeah, she’s hugging and holding hands with the same guy in all of her photos. So yeah...once again, my gut took what was a polite and friendly conversation and imagined romantic interest into it. I don’t trust my gut.)
She very well may have been trying to recruit you.
I think its great you want to date someone. I am just a little sketchy on you wanting to date her.
She just got out of a divorce. I think there is a really good chance you isn't in the head space to actually start a relationship with anyone. So be considerate to that.
Second you know here from work. There are a lot of people who just won't date anyone from work, myself included. So be respectful of that boundary.
With that in mind, I wouldn't rush into this situation. Since you are working together you have the chance to get to know her better at work in a low stress low expectation arena. Use that to your advantage and take time to make her feel comfortable around you and comfortable talking to you. With someone you meet at the grocery store if you don't ask for her phone number when you see her, you will never see her again. With this woman, you have multiple opportunities to get to know her better.
Second when you do see her in person, don't immediately ask her out on date, ask her to lunch as a friend. At lunch you can talk about personal events, without going to personal. There I would mention that you noticed on social media that she was now divorced and I would ask her about how that process is going and then let her talk. Women often change their social media status from married to single less because that it means that they are actually ready to date someone new and more because they want to acknowledge to themselves the reality that they are no longer actually married. If the conversation about her divorce has that type of tone. Don't ask her out. She just isn't in the head space. Ask someone else out instead. Just position yourself as a friendly voice so when she is in the head space to date, then you are in a position to do so.
If on the other hand, she directs the conversation to the fact that she thinks it is time for her to start dating, ask her about her experiences dating and how the process is going. If she is making concrete plans to start dating maybe creating an account on a dating site stuff like that. Then consider her open to the possibility of dating and if you feel comfortable there, you could ask her out then.
But be aware, there is a really good chance she will say no even here because you work together. So if she says no, that is not a reflection on anything about you. Its most likely because she doesn't want to date someone for work or just because the idea and the reality of an actual date may not be the same for her. So be very understanding if she doesn't want to go out with you.
If I had to guess this is a more likely no than yes, just because of her headspace from divorce and the fact that the two of you work together. So if it doesn't work out because you asked her out, you have to be cool and friendly to her even if she is intentionally cool to you because she is doing this not to be an a-hole but because she doesn't want to lead you on. So be compassionate about how your professional relationship afterward likely will be worse.
You might want to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you are single.
I’ve actually done a lot of that over the years. Here’s what I’ve come up with, not that you’re really interested in constructive input:
1. I’m not a particularly attractive or interesting man
2. I have very low natural social abilities and intuition
3. My romantic abilities and intuition are even worse, practically non-existent
4. I have long-standing issues with a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
5. I am pretty geographically isolated
6. I’ve let ******* opinions like the one you posted (but most of which came from my own brain) rule my headapace for most of my life. I have fought the inner conviction that not only is it impossible for me to be loved, but that it isn’t even something I deserve...that the love of another human being isn’t something I, as an individual, was born meaning to have. You’re not good enough, and never will be, the snake hisses from the back of my mind. I’m wrestling with what you said even now, trying to not let it define me.
That's why I've suggested 10x that you maybe find a woman with similar issues.
That’s the first time I remember you making that suggestion, but what issues? The...romantically challenged? Wouldn’t trying to find such a woman be like...two deaf/dumb/blind people trying to find each other in a crowded mall?
I think its great you want to date someone. I am just a little sketchy on you wanting to date her.
She just got out of a divorce. I think there is a really good chance you isn't in the head space to actually start a relationship with anyone. So be considerate to that.
Second you know here from work. There are a lot of people who just won't date anyone from work, myself included. So be respectful of that boundary.
With that in mind, I wouldn't rush into this situation. Since you are working together you have the chance to get to know her better at work in a low stress low expectation arena. Use that to your advantage and take time to make her feel comfortable around you and comfortable talking to you. With someone you meet at the grocery store if you don't ask for her phone number when you see her, you will never see her again. With this woman, you have multiple opportunities to get to know her better.
Second when you do see her in person, don't immediately ask her out on date, ask her to lunch as a friend. At lunch you can talk about personal events, without going to personal. There I would mention that you noticed on social media that she was now divorced and I would ask her about how that process is going and then let her talk. Women often change their social media status from married to single less because that it means that they are actually ready to date someone new and more because they want to acknowledge to themselves the reality that they are no longer actually married. If the conversation about her divorce has that type of tone. Don't ask her out. She just isn't in the head space. Ask someone else out instead. Just position yourself as a friendly voice so when she is in the head space to date, then you are in a position to do so.
If on the other hand, she directs the conversation to the fact that she thinks it is time for her to start dating, ask her about her experiences dating and how the process is going. If she is making concrete plans to start dating maybe creating an account on a dating site stuff like that. Then consider her open to the possibility of dating and if you feel comfortable there, you could ask her out then.
But be aware, there is a really good chance she will say no even here because you work together. So if she says no, that is not a reflection on anything about you. Its most likely because she doesn't want to date someone for work or just because the idea and the reality of an actual date may not be the same for her. So be very understanding if she doesn't want to go out with you.
If I had to guess this is a more likely no than yes, just because of her headspace from divorce and the fact that the two of you work together. So if it doesn't work out because you asked her out, you have to be cool and friendly to her even if she is intentionally cool to you because she is doing this not to be an a-hole but because she doesn't want to lead you on. So be compassionate about how your professional relationship afterward likely will be worse.
First, I don’t work with her. We’re in the same profession, and I see her from time-to-time at events. She actually lives far enough away that distance would be a challenging factor.
But...the rest of what you said, yeah, I can see where I’m being too eager. I need to back off (mentally) and go easy. Conversations first. And see how it goes from there.
I would just try to have friendly interactions and stay away from the asking out thing. It's WAY too soon. I have been divorced a couple of years and although I attend social events I'm still not ready to date.
I’ve actually done a lot of that over the years. Here’s what I’ve come up with, not that you’re really interested in constructive input:
1. I’m not a particularly attractive or interesting man
2. I have very low natural social abilities and intuition
3. My romantic abilities and intuition are even worse, practically non-existent
4. I have long-standing issues with a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
5. I am pretty geographically isolated
6. I’ve let ******* opinions like the one you posted (but most of which came from my own brain) rule my headapace for most of my life. I have fought the inner conviction that not only is it impossible for me to be loved, but that it isn’t even something I deserve...that the love of another human being isn’t something I, as an individual, was born meaning to have. You’re not good enough, and never will be, the snake hisses from the back of my mind. I’m wrestling with what you said even now, trying to not let it define me.
Some advice, you need to be at peace with yourself in order to be likable and lovable. Let's examine your comments, in a hopefully helpful fashion.
1. I’m not a particularly attractive or interesting man
By attractive do you mean physically, if so it is essentially irrelevant, so long as are not physically repulsive.
You become interesting by developing interests that you then become passionate about and then communicating with other like minded people. With the internet, social media, and technology it is easy to engage with people.
2. I have very low natural social abilities and intuition
I have a natural speech impediment, and yet I became a keynote speaker at a large tech conference in Las Vegas, had three radio shows, and made several television appearances in my lifetime. I also routinely give seminars. My point, though persistence, diligence, and sustained effort you can overcome even innate disabilities. I still hear myself stutter, but I do it so artfully few people ever notice. To wit, you may never actually be truly socially adept but you can learn to mimic the mannerism and hallmarks of convention in order to be passable.
3. My romantic abilities and intuition are even worse, practically non-existent
Two points, one, you can have a very fulfilling life without romance, extremely rewarding. So if that is not in the cards, build an great life without it. Many people do.
Two, romance does not have to be about being slick or naturally intuitive. It can be simple gestures of common courtesy that trike a cord in your recipient because they know you noted something about them and went out of your way to do or obtain some little thing specifically because you thought of them. For example noting that she likes to drink peach Snapple, so some hot summer day, you show up with a cold peach Snapple you picked up for her when you were out. They say women may be poor at math, but I tell you they have an uncanny knack for tallying all the thoughtful tiny things and gestures you make. Note the converse is true too, they seldom forget a slight.
4. I have long-standing issues with a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
Learn to like yourself by becoming he person you want to be. Think of it this way. God grants each of us abilities and also imposes obstacles. Your job, is to chip away at your own rough outer edges in order to reveal the masterpiece within you. You need to forge the body you once will inhabit yourself.
5. I am pretty geographically isolated
The internet knows few restrictions. Develop your hobby and interests, be visible in affiliated on line communities and then travel to group events/conventions and meet the people in person that you formed on-line relationships with.
6. I’ve let ******* opinions like the one you posted (but most of which came from my own brain) rule my headapace for most of my life. I have fought the inner conviction that not only is it impossible for me to be loved, but that it isn’t even something I deserve...that the love of another human being isn’t something I, as an individual, was born meaning to have. You’re not good enough, and never will be, the snake hisses from the back of my mind. I’m wrestling with what you said even now, trying to not let it define me.
And don't give some dic* on the internet (who may be typing from his mother's basement) the power over you to determine how you think or feel about yourself.
First, I don’t work with her. We’re in the same profession, and I see her from time-to-time at events. She actually lives far enough away that distance would be a challenging factor.
But...the rest of what you said, yeah, I can see where I’m being too eager. I need to back off (mentally) and go easy. Conversations first. And see how it goes from there.
Its a little too early for you to be this emotionally invested in this potential relationship. The Taoists have this idea of Wu Wei or what I am going to describe effortless effort. Your are doing your due diligence, but you aren't emotionally invested in the outcome before it happens. I think that is how you have to approach this.
You talk to her, you get a sense of where she is in terms of headspace and if she is not ready you move on to someone else. But you do your due diligence too. You talk to her to really appraise if she could be in a relationship because you are interested in her and if she is open to it, you pursue the opportunity.
But if you are bringing this sense of expectation that their could and should be a relationship, that pressure could scare her off, whereas if you are more open to a relationship but not expecting a relationship with her, she might feel safer testing her own boundaries about how she feels about a relationship. Remember when she is getting out a divorce she likely has conflicting feelings. She might be scared, lonely, angry and kind of questioning her romantic decision making.
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