How to reconcile a great guy vs wanting to be single (dating, marriage)

[endingpage]

Hi all, I would really appreciate some advice. I’m a 30-something F, professional, have never been in a serious relationship, and honestly really love being single. I’ve travelled a lot, especially in the last five years since finishing residency, and I love traveling alone and meeting new people and just the overall freedom. I’ve done nearly all of those trips solo (30+ countries) or with one good friend.

I recently met and started dating a guy four months ago, who I really like and is adventurous and a big traveler like I am. We live in separate states but have made a few trips to see each other, which have been fun. He is a very fun person and we have a lot of similar interests and also the same kind of humor. We spend a lot of time laughing together. On our most recent one, though, I started to feel a bit smothered. It was a two week trip and towards the end of it, I wanted to be just left alone but didn’t say anything since that’s rude.

He tells me he loves me multiple times a day and when we are apart, he texts me a ton everyday. At first I liked that he was sharing everything with me, but now I feel pressured to write a huge loving response and I’m just not that person. And now we’ve talked about moving to the same state, moving in together, but I feel pressured into being someone I am not. It’s just too much, too fast. I have a really flexible schedule and can spend every other month traveling. And I still want to do at least some of them solo... he has told me he doesn’t think it is OK for me to want to be away from him months at a time. He also has a flexible schedule and says that he wants us to take trips together, which I would also like but when I told him I want to do some things on my own, he said things like, “when you really love a person, you should want to be with me, you should want to do everything with me”. So when I told him I had all this stuff planned for next year, he got upset with me saying he feels like he has to schedule himself into my schedule and why couldn’t I plan stuff with him? A lot of these are international trips which were planned before I even met him so I don’t know why he’s angry about them...

I have tried multiple times to tell him that he is going too fast for me but he will counter that with “we live in separate states, it is the perfect balance”. Other people have told me that too. I’m starting to feel like I’m being selfish in that I want my single life but just him in it at times that are convenient for me, and that’s not fair to him either, especially because he is a catch. He is also a career professional, with his own job and money.

I’m just so used to being single where I don’t have anyone to answer to or anyone I have to take into consideration or anyone’s feelings I have to worry about. Maybe I’m too immature and unsettled and too selfish to be in a relationship now? I’m 13 years younger than him too. Maybe unconsciously I’m not ready to settle? I feel horrible that I’m stringing a great guy along though. I don’t want to break up, but how do I tell him without hurting him or him going ballistic that I need more space? Every time I try to broach the subject, he thinks I’m ending things.

[The Dissenter]

I think the best thing you can do is be as honest as possible. I think that he is not the type who can handle a weekend type relationship, based on your post and he is more all or nothing. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to settle but you’re responsible for making that as clear as possible to dude.

[Ruth4Truth]

No, he's wrong; when you love someone, you don't do everything together, or most couples don't. Some can handle that level of closeness, but most need time apart, their own hobby (as well as shared interests), an occasional trip alone. Time apart is healthy, as long as both can agree on how much time apart is ok.

I don't know how people have time to text all day. Doesn't he have a job? Maybe he's been without a gf for so long, he's giddy, so he overdoes it, and he's eager to move the relationship to the next level, or skip a couple of levels, and jump right into living together? Not a good idea. Moving to the same state--yes, but don't move in with this guy until you feel more comfortable and ready for that step. A few visits with each other over 4 months isn't enough time to make such a big decision.

Is loving your freedom and your many opportunities to travel "immature"? That's just you; you've found a job that gives you plenty of free time (and apparently--solid enough pay) to enjoy your freedom. IDK, I'm thinking maybe, that if he were the right guy for you, you'd naturally want to spend more time with him; it wouldn't be a dilemma. But I also see nothing wrong with finding a happy medium, that still allows you to take a couple of trips/year on your own. If he can't tolerate that, you're not the right person for him, either.

Possibly the age difference has something to do with this. And apparently, at 30-something, you don't have any baby-making hormones pushing you to go that route, which is fine. What about him; does he have kids, or want kids?

P.S. Let me ask you this: are you two pretty similar with money-managing skills? Or is one more spendy, while the other is frugal? That can make or break a relationship longer-term.

P.P.S. You sound like you're "in like", but not "in love". ....yet.

[reebo]

This is not the man for you. I’m struck by how he tells you how things ought to be—you should want to travel with him all the time, you should want to be with him as often as he wants to be with you, etc. Anytime you disagree, you’re wrong?

Sometimes someone’s good on paper, but the reality is different. That’s what dating is for—to see if you’re a match.

That you can’t bring up difficult topics with him is another sign you should move on.

[gus2]

It does sound as though you both want different things. Clearly outline what you want/need, and ask if that would work for him.

[sweetdreams2013]

You have to be honest about where you're coming from, OP. If he takes it the wrong way, then that's his prerogative. You know what you want and he knows what he wants. If neither of you can see where the other's coming from and compromise somewhere, then why stay together?

[Formerly Known As Twenty]

Never mind what other people in your life are telling you. You and this man are the only two people in this very new relationship.

It seems as though he is moving very, very fast. Presumably, given the considerable age gap between the two of you and assuming that he did not marry early and take on the responsibilities associated with marriage (and perhaps parenthood) in his twenties and thirties, he had time to enjoy the solo activities that you are now enjoying for yourself and doesn't remember how fabulous that freedom felt at the time for him.

At any stage, love means different things to different people. Some people want twenty-four/seven togetherness; others thrive with a mix of alone time combined with quality time spent as part of a couple. He doesn't get to define what love means for you--and you'd do best to communicate how you feel with him as openly, honestly, directly, and as soon as possible as he seems to be coming across as a touch controlling due to some insecurities that he might have. (The latter part might not be true, but I inferred from two specific things that you mentioned--"...when you love a person.....you should want to do everything with me.." and that every time you bring up how *you* feel, he feels as though you are ending things.)

He might be a "catch," but he also might be at a different life stage than you at this time. (Life stages don't necessarily correlate to chronological ages, mind.)

I'd do your best to "slow his roll," as there are things that are bothering you that you're not sharing with him out of a combination of your politeness and his not listening to words that you're saying to him. The fact that he's not listening to what you're telling him through both your actions and your words is a touch concerning--not enough for a full stop, but it's definitely should give you a bit of pause (and it *is*, seeing that this situation has been bothering you enough to create this thread).

Listen to what your own internal voice is telling you and don't make any changes such as moving in with him until *you* are ready on your own to do so.

[RamenAddict]

Originally Posted by reebo

This is not the man for you. I’m struck by how he tells you how things ought to be—you should want to travel with him all the time, you should want to be with him as often as he wants to be with you, etc. Anytime you disagree, you’re wrong?

Sometimes someone’s good on paper, but the reality is different. That’s what dating is for—to see if you’re a match.

That you can’t bring up difficult topics with him is another sign you should move on.

Absolutely. It seems like he is just jealous. The OP is a professional with a super flexible job that allows her to travel a lot more than the average person. My cousin has a travel job and she was married to a guy who did not like that she was away all the time (making more than him). They ended up getting a divorce. She ended up marrying someone else. He is fine with her current job. They do travel some together, but are not together all the time. Some people just don’t have that settle down lifestyle. I am not sure my cousin has it. She is in her late 40s now. No kids.

[endingpage]

Thanks for all your responses
I read through all of them carefully and have a lot to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to write back to me.


To clarify some things:

- neither of us want kids

- I am a lot more frugal than he is. I do make more money now but I grew up poor so I’m not so into throwing money away on eating out so often, etc etc.

- I also feel he can be a bit controlling. For example, a guy friend (just a friend I have known for years) got me an expensive gift for my birthday (although everything is relative and this guy friend is a fellow physician) before I even met this current guy I’m dating, and he got all bent out of shape about it. Saying that he knew what guys wanted and it wasn’t right for me to accept that gift. I didn’t understand why he was judging me on stuff that happened before I met him. I’m just not used to that, having been single and very happy my entire life.

- he is newly out of a long term five year relationship. No kids. Married and divorced once in his 30s.

- I think I probably am not the settling down type... this thread is making me realize that I don’t have the patience to deal with someone else’s hang ups and would rather come home to an empty house on most days. We do have so much fun together when things are working though but I’m just very introverted and need more time alone.

I just feel terrible that I may have led him on too much he’s a really good guy and I don’t wanna hurt anyone. I’m the worst person.

[BirdieBelle]

Good grief ... how did it get to “I’m the worst person”???

You’re a mismatch. Sometimes it takes time to figure that out.

Let him know, and be glad you listened to your gut.