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So ... a phrase/sentiment I've seen here a fair amount is that if you're not committed to someone else's vision of your future together, you're essentially wasting their time.
I personally find that opinion to be a bit odd. People have various reasons for being with other people, various reasons for staying with people for various amounts of time, and various degrees of commitment and doubt.
So, really saying somebody is wasting your time is like saying ... your job is wasting your time for making you work a job you do not like.
Let's say you have a vision for your future and it includes the obligatory kids and marriage and throwing wine glasses into the fireplace and having passionate sex while the kids are at camp.
Unless your partner is spouting off stuff like "You're the only one for me" and implanting images in your head of taking turns dropping the kids off at daycare, well then, they're not leading you on or wasting your time.
And even if they are, I would say it's your responsibility for determining if they truly feel the same way.
Being in a relationship IMO is a shared life experience. You choose to share and enjoy this time in your life with somebody.
While I do agree that finding another person gets harder the older you get, if you decide to stay with somebody who does not share your vision of the future, or is even unsure about you, that is your problem and you're wasting your own time.
I think the issue of wasting one's time has to do with being in a relationship where one person absolutely has no vision whatsoever of a future that the other person has, and not telling them. Its not wasting someone's time if you are open about your feelings (not getting married, no kids, whatever), and they still opt to stay in the relationship. That is not wasting someones time.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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If I know someone is looking for something specific from a relationship, and I know I don't fit that. I have a moral obligation to inform them that I will not fit what they are looking for, so if they choose to continue to see me they do so with informed consent.
Furthermore, I would say, that if I know they will not be happy and fulfilled with our relationship and what it could be at its richest, and I know they are in love with me but I'm not as emotionally invested in them (like them, but don't love them in the same way), I believe the right thing to do would be to end it for their betterment.
While I do agree that finding another person gets harder the older you get, if you decide to stay with somebody who does not share your vision of the future, or is even unsure about you, that is your problem and you're wasting your own time.
That only applies if you both are honest about your goals and vision.
Mostly when people tell someone here they're wasting someone's time, it's because that person is not being honest about their goals and is mainly dating someone they feel mediocre about, someone who has openly said they want a relationship, so that they will have someone to do stuff and have sex with.
If I know someone is looking for something specific from a relationship, and I know I don't fit that. I have a moral obligation to inform them that I will not fit what they are looking for, so if they choose to continue to see me they do so with informed consent.
Furthermore, I would say, that if I know they will not be happy and fulfilled with our relationship and what it could be at its richest, and I know they are in love with me but I'm not as emotionally invested in them (like them, but don't love them in the same way), I believe the right thing to do would be to end it for their betterment.
If it's truly deceit and someone tells you every day about how you'll be living in a $750,000 house in the suburbs with your three kids, then you could argue they are wasting your time.
But I would also say you're a sh@tty judge of person for not being able to see how they are truly uncertain about your future.
That's not typical though. Typical is various shades of grey and uncertainty.
Also, someone did not 'waste your time' if you were married for 7 years and got divorced. It's a segment of your life that you went together. If you regret it, it's your fault for having spent the time that way.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,112,957 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba
If it's truly deceit and someone tells you every day about how you'll be living in a $750,000 house in the suburbs with your three kids, then you could argue they are wasting your time.
But I would also say you're a sh@tty judge of person for not being able to see how they are truly uncertain about your future.
That's not typical though. Typical is various shades of grey and uncertainty.
Also, someone did not 'waste your time' if you were married for 7 years and got divorced. It's a segment of your life that you went together. If you regret it, it's your fault for having spent the time that way.
I haven't the foggiest clue as to what you're going on about. I am speaking for myself, and my ethics, and what "wasting someone's time" would entail. I never mentioned "deceit" at all. I spoke to a moral obligation.
I haven't the foggiest clue as to what you're going on about. I am speaking for myself, and my ethics, and what "wasting someone's time" would entail. I never mentioned "deceit" at all. I spoke to a moral obligation.
Don't people have a "moral obligation" to be honest from the start?
I think the issue of wasting one's time has to do with being in a relationship where one person absolutely has no vision whatsoever of a future that the other person has, and not telling them. Its not wasting someone's time if you are open about your feelings (not getting married, no kids, whatever), and they still opt to stay in the relationship. That is not wasting someones time.
Its about deceit.
Great answer! It's all about communication as always
So ... a phrase/sentiment I've seen here a fair amount is that if you're not committed to someone else's vision of your future together, you're essentially wasting their time.
I personally find that opinion to be a bit odd. People have various reasons for being with other people, various reasons for staying with people for various amounts of time, and various degrees of commitment and doubt.
So, really saying somebody is wasting your time is like saying ... your job is wasting your time for making you work a job you do not like.
Let's say you have a vision for your future and it includes the obligatory kids and marriage and throwing wine glasses into the fireplace and having passionate sex while the kids are at camp.
Unless your partner is spouting off stuff like "You're the only one for me" and implanting images in your head of taking turns dropping the kids off at daycare, well then, they're not leading you on or wasting your time.
And even if they are, I would say it's your responsibility for determining if they truly feel the same way.
Being in a relationship IMO is a shared life experience. You choose to share and enjoy this time in your life with somebody.
While I do agree that finding another person gets harder the older you get, if you decide to stay with somebody who does not share your vision of the future, or is even unsure about you, that is your problem and you're wasting your own time.
I agree with this. I feel that my responsibility is to be honest. I don't feel *I* should be deciding for someone else what is or is not a good use of their time.
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