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He always took from it. We would put some tax returns or money his dad might have given us as a gift etc....and he would take each month until it was depleted.
So this is nothing new. It's been going on for years and years, you just recently have had enough of it and finally demanding answers. I can see where he might be annoyed by this change in the long term status quo and it's why issues need to be addressed early. The longer it goes on, the more entitled one party feels for it to continue going on. You let it go on for too long but you can't change the past, just the future.
He's a grown-ass man, a partner, not a dependent. Stop making his lunch. Stop covering his overages.
Let his transactions bounce/get declined. He needs to stop spending so much and take care of his own issues like an adult.
You are enabling him. You have to stop paving the way for him to keep doing this destructive behavior.
Well said. According to you, he's used up your so-called "savings" account many times over, during the marriage. It's time to end the gravy train for him.
Think about it; how can you save for retirement, if he spends the money as it gets deposited to "savings"? Clearly, having kids is off the table; you can't afford it. A rainy-day fund, for, say, when his father's business finally collapses and he needs to find a job? Who will pay the mortgage or rent at that point? Are you able to support two people on your paycheck, while he searches for work?
OP, this situation has "train wreck" written all over it. Open your own savings account today, and start using it. Also make an appointment with a lawyer. You need to see to your own future. And, just a thought; do you each have your own car? I see a disaster heading your way; if I were you, I'd trade in your car for a cheaper used model, and bank the difference, or do this after you're legally separated, so you'll have emergency funds. And for heaven's sake, call the mortgage company to find out if he's kept up with the payments!
So this is nothing new. It's been going on for years and years, you just recently have had enough of it and finally demanding answers. I can see where he might be annoyed by this change in the long term status quo and it's why issues need to be addressed early. The longer it goes on, the more entitled one party feels for it to continue going on. You let it go on for too long but you can't change the past, just the future.
Basically. I tell my kids this all the time: The first time someone does something they don't like, it's the other person's fault. The second time that person does it, it's their fault for not addressing it the first time.
We had money but it depleted because he had to take money from it each month. Not it’s at 0. And I have to add to it so he can transfer to his checking.
Lol... You're going to do that after he says this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by JenniferLB75
He won’t give it to me and says he already looked at everything. Finally he said he will print out his Nov statement and we can go over that. He said we shouldn’t have access to each others acct or have a joint acct either because he thinks we should maintain our privacy with money just because it could become a problem. Since he was married before and money became an issue when it became tight.
How convenient now that he needs money it's ok for him to have access and to continue to use the joint acct that he thinks shouldn't be there.
Honestly, OP... I don't really get why you're not perturbed by this situation. Why would you even think to keep giving him money when he's the reason you're on the verge of losing the house? It doesn't even look like you're looking for serious financial change at all.
OP, this situation has "train wreck" written all over it. Open your own savings account today, and start using it. Also make an appointment with a lawyer. You need to see to your own future.
OP, you also need to find out if you will be responsible for debts he rings up without your knowledge. Because even if you take 100% control of all of your money, what's to stop dear, stupid hubby from applying for and then maxing out credit cards in order to pay for his "essential expenses" like fast food burgers once his monthly paycheck has been spent? He could run up tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and you have no way whatsoever to stop him.
Basically. I tell my kids this all the time: The first time someone does something they don't like, it's the other person's fault. The second time that person does it, it's their fault for not addressing it the first time.
Silence is permission.
What I can't get my mind around, is how, for 10 years, they supposedly have been using a savings account--TEN YEARS!--and have nothing to show for it. How could anyone acquiesce to that for so long? A savings account is for building a savings. Hello? This blows my mind.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, but you really need to take charge now, or you could wind up in the street; not only that, but in the street with a lot of debt, since you're legally and financially chained to your husband. His debt is your debt. Think about that. Scary, no? This should scare you into action, no matter how hard it may be for you to assert yourself.
OP, you also need to find out if you will be responsible for debts he rings up without your knowledge. Because even if you take 100% control of all of your money, what's to stop dear, stupid hubby from applying for and then maxing out credit cards in order to pay for his "essential expenses" like fast food burgers once his monthly paycheck has been spent? He could run up tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and you have no way whatsoever to stop him.
I still can't believe he's letting the mortgage default for burgers and beer. This, too, blows my mind. There's got to be more to this picture!
Wait a minute. He works for his dad? How does the OP even know he's getting a paycheck or that his dad hasn't cut his pay, due to a failing business? How could anyone spend roughly $1000/mo. only on fast food and beer? WHY would anyone do that, when it threatens their ability to make their house payments?!
This really doesn't add up. I don't even know how people can stand to eat McD's so-called "food", anyway.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
I still can't believe he's letting the mortgage default for burgers and beer. This, too, blows my mind. There's got to be more to this picture!
Wait a minute. He works for his dad? How does the OP even know he's getting a paycheck or that his dad hasn't cut his pay, due to a failing business? How could anyone spend roughly $1000/mo. only on fast food and beer? WHY would anyone do that, when it threatens their ability to make their house payments?!
This really doesn't add up. I don't even know how people can stand to eat McD's so-called "food", anyway.
Well, $1k on beer is easy a month, that's like 3 decent to good beers a day with tax/tip.
Separate checking accounts are always a terrible idea for this very reason. It's not MY money and YOUR money. It's money that belongs to the both of you.
I've heard all the convoluted arguments for separate checking accounts. You know, the "I pay the mortgage while she pays the power bill and groceries, blah blah blahbity blah." None of them really hold water, for it is a de facto separation of the marital assets both literally and in spirit. I've never known a marriage with separate checking accounts that ultimately didn't either end in divorce or with lots of friction.
What's more, if one spouse makes considerably more than the other, then it creates a imbalance of power, a consideration that should never enter into a healthy marriage. Not to mention that it creates the potential for all kinds of mischief. If you are not accountable to your partner in the marriage in how you spend money, then it gets pretty easy to fling it away whether on a shopping spree or in the g-string of an exotic dancer.
If you don't trust your spouse enough to share a checking account, if you aren't willing to commit yourself emotionally, intellectually, and financially to the relationship, then you have no business being in a marriage with that person at all.
The foundation of any good relationship is trust. But at the same time, to nurture trust you have to be trustworthy in the first place.
Not if it's separate. My wife insisted on separate checking accounts when we married. She said it was because her parents did it that way and it worked for them (they were happily married 40 years.) I was annoyed at first but ultimately I appreciated it because I more of a spender than she is but I'm not out of control with it by any means. I still don't spend a lot (like $100/month on myself maximum,) but she used to hassle me about it, and we both have jobs and no children. I told her, "You insisted we have separate accounts from the start and I pay the money you ask for toward our expenses every month. I don't need to account for my other spending to you." She shut up real quick after that.
My wife doesn't have access to my personal account. If she wants to know what's in there i'll tell her, but she doesn't have access. Likewise, I don't have access to hers, and I don't care.
But, we aren't pulling $1k per month out of savings to pay for whatever bills we have from that account either. That's probably the big difference here.
We get paid into a joint account that our bills and savings goals are paid out of. Retirement, stocks, investments, college accounts, daycare, mortgage, utilities, move money into savings accounts. etc...everything is paid first out of that account. From there, we get a appropriate stipend into our personal accounts. If my wife wants to go blow $500 on shoes out of her account...I could care less. She also doesn't say a word to me when I buy stuff out of mine.
Purchases from joint account or savings require a conversation (like new tires on the car, or install new windows on the house).
Last edited by BostonMike7; 12-05-2019 at 11:59 AM..
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