Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So for ten years this guy has not had to be accountable or responsible while pissing away all the money in your savings account - and now that it's gone - you risk losing your home because he's not about to stop spending.
You're not only at risk for losing your home, but if you end up having to file bankruptcy, it will ruin your credit.
I wouldn't trust any word or excel document showing expenses. He could delete entries or edit them. And as others have posted, it doesn't tell the whole story.
Run the credit reports for both of you, stop putting money into a joint account, and tell him he'll have to go on a budget using HIS salary, while contributing to household expenses including the mortgage.
As it stands right now, there are no adults in your house. If you don't start acting like one, you'll be completely screwed.
If you’re making 100,000 a year and losing your house YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY ON BULL****. Because there is absolutely no reason why you can’t make it work financially.
I make very good money. I still bring my lunch from home and rarely eat out. Not because I can’t afford it, but I much prefer to eat food I cook or prepare
The husband is the one withdrawing a large amount of money and spending it on stupid stuff, while the wife's account is being drained and doesn't have much money left over.
This thread makes me glad I am not married! That said, when I was we maintained separate accounts. He paid his share of the bills, expenses and I paid mine. There was never an issue with that between us.
Now I have an SO and he has his own place and I have mine, we both have great jobs and paid off cars etc. We combined cellphone plans with my cellphone company recently since it makes more sense. We are just trying it out since we have been dating over 2 years now. He pays for our dining out and he deals with gassing my car once a month. He usually pays for our nights out or dates. We have no plans to combine banking accounts but if we were to get married, we would set up a joint account for bills. Its just easier to pay our bills separate since we have automated bills pays already set up. He buys more alcohol and junk type stuff than I do so he pays for that. We both aren't big spenders either. I pay for my personal stuff and he pays for his. He asks me to get some stuff off Amazon and Costco when it makes sense but we kept track for a few months and its pretty much even, or even a little bit tilted towards myself. He does more physical labor around both our places and takes care of car things. I do more cleaning and cooking and handling grocery shopping, it works for us!
That said if we didn't trust one another I wouldn't be with him. The damage that can be done without trust, openness and clarity between partners is not worth the aggravation. Anyone who is secretive and you enable them then all hell is going to break loose at some point. That time is now for the OP. Bad times!
Last edited by FierceKaia; 12-20-2019 at 08:12 AM..
Reason: spacing
This thread makes me glad I am not married! That said, when I was we maintained separate accounts. He paid his share of the bills, expenses and I paid mine. There was never an issue with that between us.
Now I have an SO and he has his own place and I have mine, we both have great jobs and paid off cars etc. We combined cellphone plans with my cellphone company recently since it makes more sense. We are just trying it out since we have been dating over 2 years now. He pays for our dining out and he deals with gassing my car once a month. He usually pays for our nights out or dates. We have no plans to combine banking accounts but if we were to get married, we would set up a joint account for bills. Its just easier to pay our bills separate since we have automated bills pays already set up. He buys more alcohol and junk type stuff than I do so he pays for that. We both aren't big spenders either. I pay for my personal stuff and he pays for his. He asks me to get some stuff off Amazon and Costco when it makes sense but we kept track for a few months and its pretty much even, or even a little bit tilted towards myself. He does more physical labor around both our places and takes care of car things. I do more cleaning and cooking and handling grocery shopping, it works for us!
That said if we didn't trust one another I wouldn't be with him.The damage that can be done without trust, openness and clarity between partners is not worth the aggravation. Anyone who is secretive and you enable them then all hell is going to break loose at some point. That time is now for the OP. Bad times!
In a marriage all assets are combined whether you have a joint account or not. Trust is knowing your partner keeps their part of the finances in compliance with the marriage goals. If a partner is spending too much then they are not and the other partner has the right to examine the others accounts. That's the clarity you speak of. And really why not have total clarity at all times? I have a friend who trusted his wife but didn't know she had racked up cc charges and ruined the finances. He didn't know. He trusted.
You and SO are not married and if he ruins his finances it's not your problem. But if you were married it would be. I recommend both sides in a marriage have transparency to each others accounts at all times. And with everything else, including phones, medical, etc. All transparent. Since you are not married you don't have to do that.
I don't know how much clarity and transparency you have with a SO that you don't live with. If you have total trust in him, then marriage is no issue. The only problem with marriage with someone you trust is when the trust has eroded. Marriage requires trust. Trust requires verification. Verification requires transparency.
In a marriage all assets are combined whether you have a joint account or not. Trust is knowing your partner keeps their part of the finances in compliance with the marriage goals. If a partner is spending too much then they are not and the other partner has the right to examine the others accounts. That's the clarity you speak of. And really why not have total clarity at all times? I have a friend who trusted his wife but didn't know she had racked up cc charges and ruined the finances. He didn't know. He trusted.
You and SO are not married and if he ruins his finances it's not your problem. But if you were married it would be. I recommend both sides in a marriage have transparency to each others accounts at all times. And with everything else, including phones, medical, etc. All transparent. Since you are not married you don't have to do that.
I don't know how much clarity and transparency you have with a SO that you don't live with. If you have total trust in him, then marriage is no issue. The only problem with marriage with someone you trust is when the trust has eroded. Marriage requires trust. Trust requires verification. Verification requires transparency.
Couldn't rep you. Good post. I wonder what happened to the OP's situation. It would be great to get an update.
We have been married 10 years. Always had separate checking accts and a joint savings. But each month he is withdrawing between $700 to $1200 from savings. Calculations shouldn’t even have us dipping into that. Maybe at the most $400 some months but every month around $900 is too much. I asked to get access to his account so we can work on a budget. He won’t give it to me and says he already looked at everything. Finally he said he will print out his Nov statement and we can go over that. He said we shouldn’t have access to each others acct or have a joint acct either because he thinks we should maintain our privacy with money just because it could become a problem. Since he was married before and money became an issue when it became tight. Is he hiding something? He says we can’t afford to keep our house and will need to let it go into foreclosure or sell it. We make over 100K together and our mortgage with taxes escrowed in is $1550 a month. We have no kids. Just a dog and regular bills (cars, phones, electric, heat, insurance, cable etc....). Can’t figure it out.
To me that is a big red flag. Married 10 years, you should have the trust to have joint accounts. My wife and I merged all of our stuff and we've been married a year. I can't say for sure in this case, but usually in situations like this, the secrecy is because he is hiding something. Not sure what.. But it sounds odd.
Personally, I wouldn't merge accounts with someone I don't trust.. but also, I wouldn't marry someone I don't trust. I wish you the best of luck. This is a tough one!
Couldn't rep you. Good post. I wonder what happened to the OP's situation. It would be great to get an update.
I agree it is a good post so I repped for you and me.
My husband and I keep separate accounts but I know many people see that as a red flag. They see combined accounts as a symbol that the marriage is all out in the open, allowed to be scrutinized, and that decision making is done together. But if a person is paying attention, asking the right questions, making plans, a marriage can be all of those things without the explicit information of a bank account.
I’ve been with my wife for about a decade (married for 3) and we’ve never had shared accounts. What we’ve always done is split up the bills between us based on our income (fairness) and we have a few joint credit cards that we use to buy things when we are together
Ugh, could we please stop with the declarations that married couples MUST have shared finances? Many happily married couples maintain separate finances. We don't all have to conform to a single financial model. If somebody is going to be irresponsible or turn out to be a jerk, they will, regardless of whether you have joint or separate accounts.
So can we please just get past the "if you don't mingle money, you don't trust each other and you shouldn't have gotten married and your marriage is bad" nonsense?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Big red flag
