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Old 12-17-2019, 10:24 PM
 
9,799 posts, read 4,478,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
This has happened to me many times. It's flattering. I decline politely. As long as he doesn't push back, why would I dump someone for being sexually attracted to me? Makes no sense.
Yeah, I’m not offended either. I don’t have to go home with the guy, but it’s nice to know it was an idea.
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Old 12-18-2019, 09:09 AM
 
3,788 posts, read 3,032,175 times
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Depends on the person and what I'm looking for. If I'm looking for a relationship I'll suggest doing something else if they try to bring up going back to their place or my house, esp on the first date. I don't have a hard and fast rule. I did have a guy keep trying to push alone time by the second date even after I suggested something else. It was uncomfortable. I'm glad he ghosted me after I told him he's moving too fast for me and I wasn't ready for alone time yet. Creepy dude.
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Old 12-18-2019, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Colorado
16,093 posts, read 10,348,929 times
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This is JUST ME and should not at all be taken as a data point that could be applied to "women in general."

I know pretty fast, when I am available, if I'd be willing to consider sex with a guy or not. Of course, my mind can change. I thought I was down, then met a guy in person, and NOPE I was not. The minute that I know a guy is a "nope" I would cut him loose and not see him again, and it didn't really matter what he said or did. Unfortunately I'm sure that some of those fellas thought they had "screwed it up." No, it's just that not every woman will consent to bang any/every man. There are a dozen factors I can think of that could swing my mind to a nope place. Not just looks, and in fact I consider that one of my more flexible areas of consideration with sexual prospects.

If I met a guy and he was a nope, the first date is the last, no matter what he suggests.

If I went on a date with a guy and he was someone I had a legit sexual interest in, I'm was not always trying to make sure that a relationship was part of that. A relationship is a separate matter to be negotiated separately in my book. Usually I did not want to have sex on a first date. Definitely I needed to have some face to face conversation first. I only ever had first date sex once, and he had asked me to go to his house for him to cook dinner for me (we'd been talking online for weeks by that point.) I said no. I did not intend to have sex with him that first night. But after spending some time in his company after we met for dinner and then went for a walk, I decided that what the hell, I was willing to take the chance. I did, and I didn't have cause to regret it, but I was not attached to the idea that it had to be a long term relationship either. Many women are completely not interested in short term or casual flings...in this area I was more of an exception than the rule, I think, though certainly not the only one out there. Anyways, going home with this dude the first night we met, felt actually pretty risky and I count it as one of the more "adventurous" or dangerous things I've ever done. It's rare enough that it's only happened once in my life, because honestly it doesn't feel safe.

And for the most part, I'd say that a man who wants to make a good impression on me probably should not ask, because it really does make me think that he just wants to get laid. He is looking for a source of easy sex, not a girlfriend. Now if that's legitimately true, well, you might as well come right out and say it. You could get lucky, the occasional woman might be in a place in her life to be OK with that. Rarely. But if that isn't the impression you're trying to make...wait a bit before suggesting private time.
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Old 12-18-2019, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Forests of Maine
33,208 posts, read 54,463,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stanley-88888888 View Post
... is it salvageable.
It is always salvageable.

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Old 12-18-2019, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,359 posts, read 5,154,739 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
Well, in case sex does happen, just be sure to not have pickled eggs and chili on the date night menu.
Absolutely not!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil_fields View Post
Do guys really still have the "3 date rule"?

Maybe I've been out of the dating scene too long, but haven't heard that one in forever.
No, it was sort of a joke. Has nothing to do with sex, but definitely before inviting a woman over to my house for dinner. Its just to be sure she's comfortable with me.
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Old 12-18-2019, 11:54 AM
 
Location: North Texas
1,160 posts, read 410,335 times
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1st and 3rd date should be somewhere public and fun. Maybe 3rd date can be at the house or with their friends and a social event. What does roti have to do with it?
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Old 12-18-2019, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,359 posts, read 5,154,739 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83 View Post
1st and 3rd date should be somewhere public and fun. Maybe 3rd date can be at the house or with their friends and a social event. What does roti have to do with it?
Why 1st and 3rd, not 1st and 2nd?
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Old 12-18-2019, 01:39 PM
 
2,747 posts, read 2,043,621 times
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The problem I am having with this framework of sex after so many dates is this, what constitutes a date, and how well do you know the person before you actually meet up and do something together? There are some women who want to carry on extensive back and forth conversations before you meet. I have found when I have done that with many of these women , when we finally do meet in public for the first time these women often feel very comfortable around me. They can be very comfortable with hugging, touching, inviting me into their personal space, but also be very comfortable with sexualized banter and flirting. With these types of women, because they already feel fairly comfortable from communicating on line so much, they are quite willing to sexualize the relationship rather quickly. So it could be the first or second time you meet in person.

There are also women who area willing to meet you in public without actually bothering to get to know you first before you meet up. With these women, we don't have the same comfortability nor rapport. Sometimes women even after meeting you the first time for coffee or drinks are agreeing to meet up for a second date because they are still trying to figure out what they feel for you. If that is the case, when a woman is not sure how she feels about you, you don't want to sexualize things too quickly. Women are not men and if they feel like they are being pressured for sex while they still haven't figured out their feelings toward you, they will dump you for 'pressuring them'. So you need to be very careful about calibrating how quickly you move things sexually. I mean if you are carrying on a conversation with her and you take a step into her personal space, does she take one step back, does stand there, or does she take one step closer to you? How is she about incidental touch? Can you clear the hair from her eyes? If you move her by touching her shoulder or touching her on her lower back as you politely ask her to move out of the way so you can use the restroom, is she accepting of that type of touch or not?

How well is the conversation flowing? Have you been able to move beyond small talk, does she have a pretty good idea that you have an interest in her above and beyond how well she fills out her blouse? But I think you want to avoid goal posts by number of dates and instead have goal posts based upon how well the woman you are dating is responding to you?
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Old 12-18-2019, 01:48 PM
 
Location: (six-cent-dix-sept)
6,162 posts, read 3,400,165 times
Reputation: 4255
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
...
And for the most part, I'd say that a man who wants to make a good impression on me probably should not ask, because it really does make me think that he just wants to get laid. He is looking for a source of easy sex, not a girlfriend. ...
this is the sum of my worst fears.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83 View Post
1st and 3rd date should be somewhere public and fun. Maybe 3rd date can be at the house or with their friends and a social event. What does roti have to do with it?
sorry, i get confusing sometimes when i try to communicate with the humans. i was trying to equate something random that a date mite not like. i was asking if it would be just as offensive as asking for private time at your or her place ?
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Old 12-18-2019, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Colorado
16,093 posts, read 10,348,929 times
Reputation: 30023
Quote:
Originally Posted by stanley-88888888 View Post
this is the sum of my worst fears.sorry, i get confusing sometimes when i try to communicate with the humans. i was trying to equate something random that a date mite not like. i was asking if it would be just as offensive as asking for private time at your or her place ?
It's bad like that if he asks on a first date. Also I point to what shelato said. If you've been talking for a long while, or you already know one another before you start dating, that's different.

Also, not mentioning that on a first date, sends the message that you respect her need to be safe. And furthermore think about it this way...a woman who won't go home with a stranger (while you are just starting to get to know each other, you're strangers basically!) is a woman who has common sense.

Can you imagine some woman who has no caution and no common sense and just sees no hazard in doing whatever risky thing, and you start a relationship with her and a couple of years later she's just off doing whatever and you're worried about her all the time? It's usually nice to know that someone you might have a relationship with, is a responsible adult. Getting to know someone before being in a private place with them is often a matter of being responsible and safe for women. If I were a man looking for a real partner, to build a life with, I might just consider it a good sign if she isn't going to try and be in private together right away. Depending on how she is acting otherwise.

I mean unless she's some kind of concealed-gun-carrying kung fu ninja or something!

But OK say that you blundered and asked the question a bit too soon. I'd say that the situation could still be salvageable as you put it, as long as if she says no, you do NOT bring it up again any time soon, maybe even wait for her to bring it up in the future. Really the worst, is asking again in a way that seems like pressure.

Make no mistake, the man I went home with that one time, he did that...and I did go home with him...but I was NOT seeing him as relationship material. I only went home with him because I was pretty OK with casual sex and decided the hell with it, let's do this. I was assuming that a casual bit of fun is all he was after, and I wasn't wrong.
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