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Here's why she can not admit she had sex, even if she did. For the typical woman sex is always the man's fault. Even when she consents. A woman may not initiate or ask for sex- it just happens. When they consent non-verbally they feel they are not responsible. That's how they think about sex.
Women feel lying is perfectly ok to protect themselves from men. Lying is something woman feel they MUST USE and it's perfectly ok to use when dating and dealing with men romantically. If YOU where a woman you would think the same. To a woman a lie is one of the few protection methods she has against the power of a man. Women have been scr*wed by so many men I don't blame them.
In dealing with the opposite sex, she will lie about how she feels, what she did, etc. and it's all perfectly legit. You need to understand this about women. Being 100% truthful has no value to a woman as it removes this valuable protection mechanism. She has lied before when dating and probably to you before without you knowing it.
So when confronted about "having sex" in her mind the man had sex with her. She just allowed it. Yes that can happen in a woman's mind. She can consent to sex non-verbally and feel she is not responsible for the sex! Instead of asking her 'did you have sex', ask in a way that puts it on the man- "did he touch you intimately?" to make it his fault.
Do not expect 100 percent truth from a woman, even a wife, as if anything less than 100 percent truth voids everything good you have between each other. Is 99% ok? Or are YOU perfectly truthful? Even if so, your demand is legit but she's not perfect. You say you need honesty to get over it, but really you want to punish her. Because if she admits to having sex you are not going to say "that's all I wanted to hear is you be honest because honesty is all I ask and everything is ok now". BS!
Just when I think you've posted the biggest pile of BS possible, I read this.
Here's why she can not admit she had sex, even if she did. For the typical woman sex is always the man's fault. Even when she consents. A woman may not initiate or ask for sex- it just happens. When they consent non-verbally they feel they are not responsible. That's how they think about sex.
Women feel lying is perfectly ok to protect themselves from men. Lying is something woman feel they MUST USE and it's perfectly ok to use when dating and dealing with men romantically. If YOU where a woman you would think the same. To a woman a lie is one of the few protection methods she has against the power of a man. Women have been scr*wed by so many men I don't blame them.
In dealing with the opposite sex, she will lie about how she feels, what she did, etc. and it's all perfectly legit. You need to understand this about women. Being 100% truthful has no value to a woman as it removes this valuable protection mechanism. She has lied before when dating and probably to you before without you knowing it.
So when confronted about "having sex" in her mind the man had sex with her. She just allowed it. Yes that can happen in a woman's mind. She can consent to sex non-verbally and feel she is not responsible for the sex! Instead of asking her 'did you have sex', ask in a way that puts it on the man- "did he touch you intimately?" to make it his fault.
Do not expect 100 percent truth from a woman, even a wife, as if anything less than 100 percent truth voids everything good you have between each other. Is 99% ok? Or are YOU perfectly truthful? Even if so, your demand is legit but she's not perfect. You say you need honesty to get over it, but really you want to punish her. Because if she admits to having sex you are not going to say "that's all I wanted to hear is you be honest because honesty is all I ask and everything is ok now". BS!
love these posts. when are finally gonna' come out with a comedy tape ?
James your right I’m not letting it go. I admit that......
It’s pretty clear why I can’t just ‘forget it’ there is no doubt in my mind had she admitted it this would have been over wouldn’t be brought up again. To me bottom line is she was wrong and should do what I ask of her to fix the issue. I would give her that if it was the other way around. Like I said remove this and our marriage has been great. But that doesn’t mean I should just be ok feeling lied to.
It sounds like you won't be satisfied until she says she had a physical relationship with the guy. So let's say she did and she admits it...then what? Do you really believe it would never be brought up again? I find that hard to believe.
What if she didn't have a physical relationship and she's telling the truth? How is she supposed to prove it didn't happen the way you think it did?
*sigh* John, my friend, your story is eerily similar to where I was in November of 2011, the day my wife left with my kids and moved in with her "just a friend" dalliance. Same pattern of viewing the cell phone call meta data (100's of texts). "Going out with her friends". What you are going through hits me hard, takes me back. I hope yours isn't running up mountains of credit card debt in your name as mine was. I don't see where you've mentioned kids and pray there aren't any.
I'm looking at your post through my own prism of experience … she's been cheating on you from the get-go, emotionally and physically. Drop separation papers on her and eject. Now. Today. Cancel any accounts you share (esp credit cards and cellphone plans, joint checking/savings) and protect yourself. Open these new accounts on your own. Redirect your paycheck direct deposit to a safe haven.
I'm sorry to hear this all-too-familiar tale. You have a difficult year ahead, 2020, but as one who survived and thrived out the other side, it was necessary and worth it.
Me too. Just a friend at work. Get a plan together to leave or ask her to and file for divorce before she does.
Sibay.
Well honestly I’m not sure now. Had she been honest earlier instead of lying maybe I could belive it. But between the lies and what she has told me I don’t think even her own mom would belive her lol.
Your question is exactly why I posted. Was hoping maybe someone would comment something that would help. Instead I mainly gotten no helpful response but that is the world we live in. It isn’t a helpful one it’s a let be a dick world. And I’m 100% not saying that to you your question is one bringing up a good point in the exact thing I need a answer to. People like to judge not help. And to the guy that ‘called bs I could let it go and wanted her to admit it just to punish her’ that’s bs I don’t need a admission to punish her. Why would I wanna punish a women I love? I want the respect and love that comes with admitting you’ve messed up. I would to her. In a marriage you shouldn’t have to lie and no one is perfect especially at 22. I have been nothing but respectful about this issue. And we don’t scream or yell it isn’t a fighting match. We have talked about it. And I go out of my way to be clear and non judgmental to her. Which makes her not coming clean worse. And it’s not just what she has said and lied about that makes me believe she did it. It’s her body language, facial expression the guilt In her eyes. The fact that she rather it bother me than even talk over it like she is scared her last story won’t match the one she tells today. It’s very clear. People may not belive the marriage is great outside of this and may not belive my intent of wanting honesty but I don’t need people to believe that. All I wanted was experiences and opinions on how we can get thru this because although a polygraph is on the table I prefer not. I wanted to see if anyone would believe her ‘story’ and could tell me why/how they believe it. And ideas on how I could get her to be honest cause even if they some how didn’t have sex I know she isn’t being upfront and honey about the whole story. Which after what has been admitted doesn’t leave many reasons to lie.
And ideas on how I could get her to be honest cause even if they some how didn’t have sex I know she isn’t being upfront and honey about the whole story.
YOUR TURN to be honest.
The only answer she can give you that you will accept is, "Yes, I slept with him."
Maybe she IS being honest with you. The point is that what she says doesn't really matter at this point because you have convinced yourself that she is lying to you. Yet you went on to have kids with her.
You need to check yourself because you are ruminating about this. It's been WAYYYYYYY too long for you to be stuck here.
Sibay.
Well honestly I’m not sure now. Had she been honest earlier instead of lying maybe I could belive it. But between the lies and what she has told me I don’t think even her own mom would belive her lol.
Your question is exactly why I posted. Was hoping maybe someone would comment something that would help. Instead I mainly gotten no helpful response but that is the world we live in. It isn’t a helpful one it’s a let be a dick world. And I’m 100% not saying that to you your question is one bringing up a good point in the exact thing I need a answer to. People like to judge not help. And to the guy that ‘called bs I could let it go and wanted her to admit it just to punish her’ that’s bs I don’t need a admission to punish her. Why would I wanna punish a women I love? I want the respect and love that comes with admitting you’ve messed up.I would to her. In a marriage you shouldn’t have to lie and no one is perfect especially at 22. I have been nothing but respectful about this issue. And we don’t scream or yell it isn’t a fighting match. We have talked about it. And I go out of my way to be clear and non judgmental to her. Which makes her not coming clean worse. And it’s not just what she has said and lied about that makes me believe she did it. It’s her body language, facial expression the guilt In her eyes. The fact that she rather it bother me than even talk over it like she is scared her last story won’t match the one she tells today. It’s very clear. People may not belive the marriage is great outside of this and may not belive my intent of wanting honesty but I don’t need people to believe that. All I wanted was experiences and opinions on how we can get thru this because although a polygraph is on the table I prefer not. I wanted to see if anyone would believe her ‘story’ and could tell me why/how they believe it. And ideas on how I could get her to be honest cause even if they some how didn’t have sex I know she isn’t being upfront and honey about the whole story. Which after what has been admitted doesn’t leave many reasons to lie.
We're trying to help you, OP. Each of us have lived a different life, which we draw upon to offer our thoughts and opinions. It's for you to decide what makes sense in your life. We are actually trying to help you.
I don't think you want to or are trying to "punish" your wife. I think you are truly trying to find a way to, once and for all, put this experience in your past and forge forward with your wife and marriage. I think you're trying to get back to a healthy, thriving and loving marriage. I resect that. I also think your wife's cheating (read: betrayal of trust) has caused you to have and hold issues of trust with her that you're trying to work through and resolve.
That said, I think what your
Children on a long car trip keep incessantly asking, "Are we there yet?" They don't stop asking until they are there. I don't think you will stop asking your wife about certain details re the affair until you believe and feel like she has been 100% honest and transparent with you. Based on what you have written, I don't think you're "there" yet. There is nothing wrong with or punishment-oriented about you asking and expecting your wife to tell you the honest, raw truth about any questions you have related to the affair. Yes, I do think she owes you that because she was the one who caused the damage to your marriage and shook your faith in her. As you said, you would do the same for her.
For what its' worth, I DO believe your intent and focus in that your wife be honest with you.
No, I do not believe her story. It's nebulous at best and, to a reasonable person's senses, incredibly offense. Further, her affair and her protracted sketchy behavior since the affair screams of selfishness and self-protection. Those are not qualities that promote survival of a healthy, loving marriage. And, yet, she has and continues to put herself and her own best interests in front of and before that of your marriage and your children. THAT, alone, speaks volumes to me.
Your wife owes you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if your marriage has any chance of repair and a healthy prognosis.
Your wife's job now is to answer all of your questions honestly so you feel you have been heard and told the truth. Only then will you be able to regain and build trust in her and "move on."
How can you be expected to "get over" "it" if you don't know what "it" was or is?
Sibay.
Well honestly I’m not sure now. Had she been honest earlier instead of lying maybe I could belive it. But between the lies and what she has told me I don’t think even her own mom would belive her lol.
Your question is exactly why I posted. Was hoping maybe someone would comment something that would help. Instead I mainly gotten no helpful response but that is the world we live in. It isn’t a helpful one it’s a let be a dick world. And I’m 100% not saying that to you your question is one bringing up a good point in the exact thing I need a answer to. People like to judge not help. And to the guy that ‘called bs I could let it go and wanted her to admit it just to punish her’ that’s bs I don’t need a admission to punish her. Why would I wanna punish a women I love? I want the respect and love that comes with admitting you’ve messed up. I would to her. In a marriage you shouldn’t have to lie and no one is perfect especially at 22. I have been nothing but respectful about this issue. And we don’t scream or yell it isn’t a fighting match. We have talked about it. And I go out of my way to be clear and non judgmental to her. Which makes her not coming clean worse. And it’s not just what she has said and lied about that makes me believe she did it. It’s her body language, facial expression the guilt In her eyes. The fact that she rather it bother me than even talk over it like she is scared her last story won’t match the one she tells today. It’s very clear. People may not belive the marriage is great outside of this and may not belive my intent of wanting honesty but I don’t need people to believe that. All I wanted was experiences and opinions on how we can get thru this because although a polygraph is on the table I prefer not. I wanted to see if anyone would believe her ‘story’ and could tell me why/how they believe it. And ideas on how I could get her to be honest cause even if they some how didn’t have sex I know she isn’t being upfront and honey about the whole story. Which after what has been admitted doesn’t leave many reasons to lie.
You did not leave the marriage when your wife got involved emotionally or otherwise.
The marriage endured and you have children now.
You say it is good now.
Why can’t you truly forgive and let go of whatever happened or not.
Nobody is perfect. Life is not perfect.
You torture yourself over water under the bridge. Don’t make her go back and re-live the incident.
You may remind her of something she was lacking in your marriage and her straying.
Looks like she realized she was making a mistake- she could have been impressed by the way you handled that mistake- realized what a good man you are- and why she should “keep” you- don’t spoil it.
Let.It.Go.
If you did not end relationship in the past when it happened- it is not healthy for you, your wife and your kids to go “ digging” for the “truth”..
Accept whatever happened and feel lucky that everything is working out in your marriage.
Forgive and forget.
Let.It.Go. Stay happy! The alternative is your emotional misery/or divorcing over your inability to let go.
Human being are not all created equal. You seem to be the gentlemanly rule minded type , who is basically decent and honest. As you know by now people will disappoint and turn you bitter if you try to hold them up to your standards.
Typically cheaters stick to their "story" even if caught red-handed, if they have something to lose. I believe your relationship is salvageable if you can still love and respect her.
For your wife to admit that she had raw sex with another man WOULD diminish her in your eyes and she knows it. It would paint her as something of a floozy. She HAS to stick to the lie, if there is one. Be careful what you wish for.
If you are certain that the kids are yours, work on being the man that she would never stray from again.
...
If you are certain that the kids are yours, work on being the man that she would never stray from again.
this is actually a good point. instead of a polygraph, a paternity test seems more appropriate.
also, my comment before about open-marriage was serious; therefor, everyone can cheat without lying.
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