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Pretty much all of this. I didn't see the thread before the edits, but I'm sure I get the idea. There are some things people just aren't into. You can suggest them until the cows come home if you're into them, but if she's not, she's not, period.
But what you've not acknowledged is that there may have been reasons for this. Was she raised to think that women don't enjoy sex, or at least shouldn't admit to it? Or that sex is "dirty" or something you don't talk/think about, period? That could lead to her being passive about it, to not really thinking about it or researching it. Was she raised to think that vanilla missionary-style is THE way, and anything else is wrong or perverted? (Yes, there are people who think this. There was sort of a big thing when Fifty Shades of Grey came out where some people were like, "Ugh, who would want to do that stuff? How messed-up psychologically must a person be to be into that? That's so unhealthy." Etc.)
IOW, she may not simply be boring or unimaginative or too lazy to learn about sex... she may be fully in a mindset not to, because that's what she was always told.
Or it could be fun if you play it like Mad Libs? "Oh [woman's name], he said [adverb], while sticking his [noun] into her [noun] and [verb] her [adverb] [noun]...
Or maybe just she likes what she likes and doesn't see it is lacking, although she is willing to do things the OP wants. OP came up with some stuff that would turn off plenty of people who are not repressed. Why should she have to initiate things she really isn't excited about to begin with. It isn't really fair to shame her.
Or maybe just she likes what she likes and doesn't see it is lacking, although she is willing to do things the OP wants. OP came up with some stuff that would turn off plenty of people who are not repressed. Why should she have to initiate things she really isn't excited about to begin with. It isn't really fair to shame her.
Who's shaming anybody? That's the point of my entire post-- there's nothing wrong with her not being interested in the same things sexually that he is. Where on earth in my post did you see any shaming??? Did you read the same post I wrote???
Who's shaming anybody? That's the point of my entire post-- there's nothing wrong with her not being interested in the same things sexually that he is. Where on earth in my post did you see any shaming??? Did you read the same post I wrote???
Yes. It's finding possible excuses for why she is the way she is (she was told X is bad). But if there's nothing wrong with the way she is why look for reasons.
I haven't read the other suggestions only your initial post but it sounds to me like you are doing alot of nagging and putting pressure on her to be someone she is not or to perform in a totally different way. I can almost bet you are making her feel like she is not enough and you are not satisfied which is why she is putting this in the back of her mind.
If you want a spicier sex life, then you have to treat it like an adventure that you guys are exploring together and let her experiment with different things to see what she likes. You may have already ruined it with all of your incessant nagging, so I suggest you back of for now and come up with a different approach.
Thats married life for ya. The best thing to do is find a female friend thats willing to have sex with you. Its not going to get any better. Only sad once a week sex because shes obligated.
Any long lasting relationship can become sexually diminished through routine or boredom. Not just married. A lot of people don't want to change partners all the time, they want long lasting passion with the partner they love.
At at once a week plus, this couple isn't suffering from a "dead bedroom." O.P. is getting laid--just not with the variety, passion, and frequency that he'd prefer.
I think that Sonic's recommendation that both our O.P. and his wife read "Come As You Are" might be the best course of action--especially as neither of them have any points of reference of what's "normal" for them via having had other partners. Unless they're watching woman-centered porn, it's unlikely that watching pornography with her husband has helped either of them when it comes to bedroom activities.
At at once a week plus, this couple isn't suffering from a "dead bedroom." O.P. is getting laid--just not with the variety, passion, and frequency that he'd prefer.
I think that Sonic's recommendation that both our O.P. and his wife read "Come As You Are" might be the best course of action--especially as neither of them have any points of reference of what's "normal" for them via having had other partners. Unless they're watching woman-centered porn, it's unlikely that watching pornography with her husband has helped either of them when it comes to bedroom activities.
Porn sex is the opposite of passionate with few exceptions. When they talk about needing "spice" or "fire" they mean what they saw on Pornhub or Blacked and don't realize they are having good sex their parents were more than satisfied with.
Ok boomer. lol.
Porn sex is the opposite of passionate with few exceptions. When they talk about needing "spice" or "fire" they mean what they saw on Pornhub or Blacked and don't realize they are having good sex their parents were more than satisfied with.
Ok boomer. lol.
Tell me about it! At risk of TMI, it's pretty easy to tell when most of what a guy knows about sex and the female response was informed by male-centered porn. It's almost as if they feel as though the woman who they are with should respond just as the paid actresses (or, in the case of so-call "amateur porn" unpaid actresses) do in the films.
As younger Gen-Xer who certainly isn't sexually repressed in the least, it still shocks and saddens me a bit what younger women have to deal with these days when it comes to what's expected of them sexually, i.e., must do certain acts and look/maintain their bodies and its hair in certain ways and dealing with guys who were pretty much weaned on internet porn from pubescence. I sure as heck didn't have to deal with any of that when I was younger and discovering my own sexuality.
Thank you, PJSaturn, for reopening the thread. My apologies again for getting too graphic.
Thanks to Sonic and all others who have responded thus far with good points and suggestions.
As I said earlier, my wife is much more passive and reactive than I am. Even she admits that if I hadn't pushed us to try new things/experiment the way I did, our sex life might be a lot worse.
Yet she was resistant to trying many of those things in the beginning, which is likely why our sex life took such a long time to get off the ground.
Perhaps things might have been easier if she'd come into the relationship with a little more knowledge/experience. But it isn't something I'd wish for because that would mean she would not have lost her virginity to me. Still, I didn't have experience either, yet I did my research -- not just looking at porn, but sifting through articles and forums.
Anyway, no point in turning to the past. I feel tempted to let go of the reins a little and see if that might get her to become a bit more engaged in our sex life. For example, if now I give off the impression that I don't care anymore about having sessions in the week, she may suddenly take interest in them. Who knows?
People always seem to want what they can't have, and the feeling of losing is more powerful than that of gaining. And I know that when you push people too hard to do what you want them to do, they rebel by doing the exact opposite.
Porn is not research into real sex with real people. It gives you unrealistic expectations. They are actors.
Tell me about it! At risk of TMI, it's pretty easy to tell when most of what a guy knows about sex and the female response was informed by male-centered porn. It's almost as if they feel as though the woman who they are with should respond just as the paid actresses (or, in the case of so-call "amateur porn" unpaid actresses) do in the films.
That is the issue with porn addiction, or even just regular porn use. It can warp a person's view of reality, and make them unhappy with their real life. It can cause them to pressure their partner to do things that make the partner uncomfortable or even feel violated.
People need to check their porn use and consider maybe stepping away from the computer for periods of time. It can become a mentally unhealthy habit.
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"Oh [woman's name], he said [adverb], while sticking his [noun] into her [noun] and [verb] her [adverb] [noun]...