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It seems that most of my love connections in the past have been with people who have serious trouble taking care of themselves/substance abuse issues/mental illness. I do not seek out people with unresolved issues to date, it just seems that I each man I fall in "love" with cannot reciprocate healthily. I think the basis for these connections are a recognition of shared trauma. I end up quite sick emotionally and physically from neglecting myself while I try desperately to help the person I'm with. I don't want this impossible life for myself, it's a pattern I know I have to break before it breaks me. I met a man who is very kind and supportive to me, yet without a healthy template of what love looks like from my parents or past relationships, I'm having trouble deciphering what my genuine feelings are toward him. I find it hard to develop strong feelings at all to men who genuinely care for me. I keep turning down stable partners because I don't know how to love them or accept their love. I end up overwhelmed that my needs are being attended too and feel uncomfortable when I can't deflect the attention. How would you proceed in this situation? How did you break the cycle and learn to accept healthy, stable, consistent love? Also, do we have any control over who we feel deep connection with or can that be built with companionship?
Sounds like there's a lot more to this than the need for "practical love advice". That is a symptom of a more deeply seated issue that will follow you everywhere. Until you understand where the disconnect is in yourself, healthy love isn't going to happen. A professional counselor can help you tease this out.
You are subconsciously attracting these types of men because of the unresolved issues with your own childhood. As an adult, this is your way of "fixing" the trauma that happened to you when you were a kid. It gives you a sense of control.
It's kind of a common thing. I agree that therapy could help you tremendously.
OP, I think its best if you talk with a therapist to help you with your issues. We all have our own issues; don't feel alone in that. I only say this because I don't think you should enter into yet another relationship until you find the answers to your questions of past patterns re choice of men and attachment issues with men who you think have cared for and loved you. Your time is better spent finding answers, healing, finding peace and then striking out to find a healthy, loving relationship.
It seems that most of my love connections in the past have been with people who have serious trouble taking care of themselves/substance abuse issues/mental illness. I do not seek out people with unresolved issues to date, it just seems that I each man I fall in "love" with cannot reciprocate healthily. I think the basis for these connections are a recognition of shared trauma. I end up quite sick emotionally and physically from neglecting myself while I try desperately to help the person I'm with. I don't want this impossible life for myself, it's a pattern I know I have to break before it breaks me. I met a man who is very kind and supportive to me, yet without a healthy template of what love looks like from my parents or past relationships, I'm having trouble deciphering what my genuine feelings are toward him. I find it hard to develop strong feelings at all to men who genuinely care for me. I keep turning down stable partners because I don't know how to love them or accept their love. I end up overwhelmed that my needs are being attended too and feel uncomfortable when I can't deflect the attention. How would you proceed in this situation? How did you break the cycle and learn to accept healthy, stable, consistent love? Also, do we have any control over who we feel deep connection with or can that be built with companionship?
I understand how you feel. in my experience, my wife had a similar issue. We both did really, but she had it worse. LOL. We both came from rough past relationships ( Partners cheating etc). She was married 12 years and had 2 kids with a man that cheated and I was engaged to an unfaithful woman. When I met my wife (Online), she had the biggest wall put up. She did everything in her power to scare me away. Fast forward 2 years and she admits it was just a defense to protect her from getting hurt and the fact that she never had a positive relationship in which to compare to.
Now being happily married, we both understand now what it's like to be with the right person. She even admitted that she almost broke up with me at some point because she felt it was too perfect and that she wanted to break it off before I broke her heart... Luckily her sister changed her mind. It is all about your own experiences. Don't let bad relationships hurt your future. Know your worth and go from there. In regards to breaking the cycle of sabotaging healthy relationships... Don't think the absolute worst right off the bat. Look in to any situation with an open mind and get a little background before making a harsh choice. Also, yes, some guys that are nice to you and seem perfect in the beginning can turn out to be psychos.. but they can also turn out to be actually nice guys. I tried explaining that to my wife a million times. lol.
Just be patient and find a guy that is patient. Good luck and all the best!
I had years of therapy and it didn't help. She has to work through this by reflecting on what she really wants in life. Maybe she is ambivalent about attachment because she's not meant to be married/attached. Many people aren't, they are better off staying single.
It seems that most of my love connections in the past have been with people who have serious trouble taking care of themselves/substance abuse issues/mental illness. I do not seek out people with unresolved issues to date, it just seems that I each man I fall in "love" with cannot reciprocate healthily. I think the basis for these connections are a recognition of shared trauma. I end up quite sick emotionally and physically from neglecting myself while I try desperately to help the person I'm with. I don't want this impossible life for myself, it's a pattern I know I have to break before it breaks me. I met a man who is very kind and supportive to me, yet without a healthy template of what love looks like from my parents or past relationships, I'm having trouble deciphering what my genuine feelings are toward him. I find it hard to develop strong feelings at all to men who genuinely care for me. I keep turning down stable partners because I don't know how to love them or accept their love. I end up overwhelmed that my needs are being attended too and feel uncomfortable when I can't deflect the attention. How would you proceed in this situation? How did you break the cycle and learn to accept healthy, stable, consistent love? Also, do we have any control over who we feel deep connection with or can that be built with companionship?
Maybe those attentive men are coming off too strong for you, setting the bar way too high, or trying to get into your pants. There is a saying about people putting their best foot forward in the beginning. The men should back off and allow you to show what a typical day with you feels like.
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Advice
