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I do think you're being petty.. I never understand it when adults get all upset when they don't get exactly what they want for Christmas... you're not children anymore... I'm always appreciative and act like I love every gift, even if truly don't care for it..
If I tell him all the reasons why it is not a good choice based on my standards he will be offended, get his feelings hurt, feel incompetent and make me look like a shrew.
So she cannot figure out a way to tell him without mentioning his poor choices based on her standards and is trying to avoid looking like a shrew.
Not very caring or honest, in my opinion. There are kind ways to say things. Adults should be able to figure out how to communicate honestly yet kindly.
Right. She did not say anything. Which is what I said.
What, anyway, is unkind about "Honey, I know you worked hard to pick out this gift, but I also know you don't know much about cookware so you don't know why this set was not the best use of your money"? What, to you, is the kind way to tell someone "Hey, you missed the mark with your gift"? There isn't one. Hence why she did not say anything at all.
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
I am not sure why sparing someone's feelings is always the best answer. Again, we don't really have enough info here. IF the husband is being insensitive in just filling out packages instead of giving a GIFT, why would she be anything but fully honest? She can say it in kind and thoughtful ways.
Because why would hurting him be the best answer? Especially if this is just the way he is and he isn't going to change.
This sounds so petty so the only place I can vent if here where no one I know really will see it
My husband is a great guy
Supportive, caring, generous, fair
But he has no clue how to buy cookware since he never cooks
He has bought me two sets of cookware in past couple of Christmases—one for vacation house in FL and one for main home in TX
Neither of them have been ones I asked for
Neither of them are ones I would have chosen on my own
Both of them have been poorly balanced, heavy, and had handles that hold heat—
So you have to use a hot pad if it has been on stove for any length of time—making it more unstable
He gave me one of these for this Christmas
If I tell him all the reasons why it is not a good choice based on my standards he will be offended, get his feelings hurt, feel incompetent and make me look like a shrew My family gives me stick all the time because I am not always gracious about gifts I receive
But I am very practical and usually ask for things that I know I will use and have difficult time finding clothes that fit comfortably,
So I kept my mouth shut when I caught him washing the pans this morning when I got up
It is not the money he spent—although I think the set is overpriced because of poor design—but the idea that he thinks any non-stick set of pans is like any other—
He really doesn’t notice the detains of design/construction
I gave him a gift certificate for a new office chair for his home office because that is some thing the person who is going to sit it in all the time needs to decide works...
Even if it doesn’t make as imposing an appearance under the tree...
Plus I am trying to drink my coffee and have a few peaceful moments before I have to go to work doing everyday chores plus the extra stuff because there is company in the house and someone just home from the hospital yesterday...And I am having to tell him where to put the various pieces of cookware because he never spends any time in the kitchen...
So if that makes me sound like a shew, I can wear that shirt...
OP, since you are so picky and people cannot seem to find gifts up to your standards then just ask for gift certificates from now on and go buy what you want yourself.
Because why would hurting him be the best answer? Especially if this is just the way he is and he isn't going to change.
Because sometimes "hurting someone" is an acceptable side effect of honest communication. When you get into the dance of appeasing someone's feelings at the expense of getting your own needs met, nothing good happens. I have said this more than once. We really don't have enough info in this case. But if she is dealing with a phone-it-in attitude around caring for her, damned straight she should risk hurting his feelings to get that message across.
I do think you're being petty.. I never understand it when adults get all upset when they don't get exactly what they want for Christmas... you're not children anymore... I'm always appreciative and act like I love every gift, even if truly don't care for it..
I agree. I appreciate every gift I get... and I myself spent a TON this Christmas.
However, it would be nice if somebody you spent so much time with understood you well enough to get you a gift that says ... "Wow, you really know me."
Instead of ... "I wasn't sure what to get you."
Like I said, that goes for my parents too, lol. I love em, but they should know me well enough by now to get me gifts that are more me.
I agree. I appreciate every gift I get... and I myself spent a TON this Christmas.
However, it would be nice if somebody you spent so much time with understood you well enough to get you a gift that says ... "Wow, you really know me."
Instead of ... "I wasn't sure what to get you."
Like I said, that goes for my parents too, lol. I love em, but they should know me well enough by now to get me gifts that are more me.
I would have settled for hey you actually thought about this in advance rather than waiting until you got out of work at 5 on Christmas Eve and now the whole family has to wait for you to go grab any old thing. But that's me.
However, it would be nice if somebody you spent so much time with understood you well enough to get you a gift that says ... "Wow, you really know me."
Instead of ... "I wasn't sure what to get you."
Like I said, that goes for my parents too, lol. I love em, but they should know me well enough by now to get me gifts that are more me.
I understand this feeling. It's like, "Wow, you've been around me all this time, yet somehow I'm still a mystery?"
It helps to pay attention throughout the year to things the person says, little things they get excited about, etc. Or things that make their life easier.
Situations like the OP's tend to turn into a vicious cycle, where the giver senses the recipient's dissatisfaction and becomes MORE insecure about choosing something. It's hard to know without the OP's input whether the husband listens and ignores or truly is clueless about what he's giving - or whether he tries and just misses the mark.
I understand this feeling. It's like, "Wow, you've been around me all this time, yet somehow I'm still a mystery?"
It helps to pay attention throughout the year to things the person says, little things they get excited about, etc. Or things that make their life easier.
Situations like the OP's tend to turn into a vicious cycle, where the giver senses the recipient's dissatisfaction and becomes MORE insecure about choosing something. It's hard to know without the OP's input whether the husband listens and ignores or truly is clueless about what he's giving - or whether he tries and just misses the mark.
I think that's a relationship incompatibility.
If you cannot tell a person why a gift is wrong for you and why you want to return it, that's not great in a communication sense.
I mean it's not terrible either, but ... these sort of things are the things I'm talking about what people should be looking for when they date...
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grrrr.
