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You would do better to get some counseling to sort through these thoughts and feelings. That stuff is still there, and it's a more pressing concern than she is:
I know that and it's something I'm doing in the new year. I'm still entitled to feel angry and betrayed though I think.
I know that and it's something I'm doing in the new year. I'm still entitled to feel angry and betrayed though I think.
Sure, you are.
Just be wary that you don't let that anger at her distract you from the very real feelings of lack that drove you to dive right into this mess.
After three experiences with a common theme, you need to be more aware of the red flags you may be inadvertently overlooking in an effort to find happiness.
I know that and it's something I'm doing in the new year. I'm still entitled to feel angry and betrayed though I think.
She’s also a narcissist if she was comfortable wanting you to listen to her relationship woes. Be thankful she exposed herself before you moved in. If she’s gonna stay in your life make sure you see her for who she really is, not who you wish she was
Block her number now. Remove yourself from existing group texts in which she is a member.
Rethink your circle of friends. Rely only on those who have reached out to you.
It's time to completely change your behavior and habits. She can't be in your life at all anymore, and anyone who questions that should get the full details on why.
Pretty much this, is all you need.
However, your friends will do what they do. Regardless of whether they believe her or believe what you tell them, they're still going to hang out with her. They're unlikely to choose sides. Trust me, I have been there. Better, as you've already figured out, to hang out with different people, as otherwise your choice is to either go to the same events she goes to and hang out with her and her new boyfriend, or appear petty for refusing to go anywhere she will be.
Tbh, this is the third time in a row now that I've been cheated on and left for someone else (something my Ex knew veryyyyyyy well seeing as she's been there to pick me up the first two times) so I think I'll just stick to being by myself from now on.
Your "picker" may need a tune up.
OP, please don't take offense to what I'm about to say. I say it with the best intentions. Based on your writings, I sense you're needy re relationships. If you search of a partner from a place of "need," rather than "desire," your search is fueled by anxiety to find someone, anyone, so you may not make the best choice in a partner. If your search for a partner is based on your desire to find a partner to enhance your already wonderful and full and contented life, you will greatly increase your chances of finding a partner worth having.
Opportunistic- and user-type people, men and women, have a built-in, finely tuned "radar" they use to find partners, i.e., victims, who are easy to use and abuse, emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and so forth. Their "radar" searches for and hones in on people who are needy, vulnerable and/or have self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem issues. Once they find such a person, use and abuse the person.
I think less-than-honorable women, like your cheater ex-GFs, can likely sense your "neediness" and use that against you and treat you poorly. A person will a healthy sense of self-respect and self-efficacy would never allow another to use him/her as a door mat.
I would recommend that you take a timeout from romantic relationships and become more acquainted with yourself and work toward a healthy sense of self-respect and self-value.
You sound like a decent person who was blindsided by someone you thought you knew. This is especially bad around this time of year with holidays and parties. I agree with hothula that she seems narcissistic by sitting by you and wanting you to meet her next victim. That is just mean. I think that, as sad as it is to you, that it is better that she exited your life. No one can blame you for being more guarded in the future.
Concentrate on your job with your promotion, enjoy hobbies that you like to pursue, take a walk in the woods, desert, outside wherever you live. I find that getting outdoors really helps me forget about the drama in my life. Visit the animal shelter and walk pups and play with cats. Animals are best as they don’t judge.
I wish you well in the new year and hope you find happiness and peace.
So I posted here about a month ago.
I know this is long again so I'll break it up again.
BACKSTORY
I've been dating a female friend for the past two years. We've been close friends for 10 years and always had each other's backs. While we've both been in relationships with other people over the years, we always got together and talked about everything gave advice. This is someone I thought I knew through and through and someone who always understood me no matter what. During the bad times and during bad break ups, she was always there for me to let me know she understood and let me know she knows how I feel. It was nice.
Well at the start of last year, having not seen each other for a while, we ended up confessing our feelings and got together not long after. It was great as I felt like I was dating my best friend. I felt loved and I gave her absolutely everything. The past year thing's started to get more serious and we were talking about moving in together next year. We're part of the same friend group or rather, she's friends with some people in the group and I made sure she felt welcome with everyone she didn't.
Well a couple of months ago, after withdrawing from me for a month, she suddenly dropped on me that she's met someone else and it's over between us. Not only that but she's decided to downplay the entire relationship, telling me and our friends that it was only a FWB situation, denying we were moving in together and just completely dropping me over night. I've been devastated about this since and haven't really known what to do but just carry on. I tried to get closure when it happened and ask her why exactly she's done what she's done but only got short responses about how sorry she is and patronisingly referring to me as her best friend.
I feel absolutely ridiculous because this entire time I've seen her as this innocent person who's afraid of her own shadow. I've gone out of my way to help her out and put her needs first because I thought she needed to be protected and that I could be the person she relies on no matter what.
I've been trying to build myself back up since then by throwing myself into work and going out with friends. I've had a few small offers from women but I'm simply not interested. Our friends don't really want to get involved, my closer friends are in shock and understand (to the point of uninviting her to stuff for my sake) while some others obviously believe her about the FWB bull****. Either way, I've just been carrying on with stuff and trying to forget about her.
THE SITUATION
A couple of weeks ago, she messaged me to ask how I am. I gave short replies until she expressed that she hopes we can go back to being close friends. I didn't really wanna be horrible as I'm not a horrible person in general so I said maybe in the future we can be close but right now let's just settle for being friends. We talked a bit and I let the conversation end. A few days later she messaged me again saying she wanted to talk. Turns out she wanted to talk about her relationship... as in both her relationships... as in her relationship with her long distance long term boyfriend...
So it turns out that on top of her cheating on me with this new guy, she's been cheating on another Boyfriend with me for two years. When we got together I knew that she had broken up with her three year boyfriend as they lived in different cities and she wasn't in love with him anymore. Well in reality, they were still together but on a break. When she got with me, she knew that they were only seeing each other once a month so planned accordingly and saw me for the rest of the month. This has been going on the entire time. The entire time that she would tell me how much she loves me and that her "Ex" cheated on her several times and all the time she would tell me she was terrified that I would leave her for someone prettier, she was still with someone else.
And it gets worse. She had decided, even though she instigated the two of us moving in together and planning two expensive holidays I already began to pay for, that our relationship wasn't working in the long run but she'll carry on seeing me. She told me she had decided in her head we were now FWB, ended our relationship and not tell me as she knew I would explode and not want to be "friends" with her anymore. Then she met someone new by chance and immediately began to shift herself onto him with the hopes I "wouldn't notice"... the real kicker here is that the relationship trouble she was messaging me about was that she's gonna have to leaver her long term now 4 year boyfriend as she doesn't want to cheat on him! I was speechless and obviously grilled her on this. The more I found out, the worse I felt. She said she simply sees me as a friend and stopped having feelings for me a long time ago and she's sorry, she really should've stopped sleeping with me but she was too into it at the time.
I basically told her where to stick it but I'm absolutely heartbroken. This person that I've not only been head over heels in love with the past two years but that I've respected and thought had my back for the past ten years is an absolute monster. I don't know who she is at all and frankly I hate her.
I've gone against my better judgement and tried to talk to a few friends about it but they've said they don't know what to say and just try to forget about it. She's messaged me since asking if we can please be friends. I don't even want to argue with her but I know I'm gonna have to see her as she's made it clear she's not leaving the friendship group.
On Christmas Eve, I was out with a few friends and I knew she'd be coming. She came and she couldn't care less about me. She just happily sat down next to me and began talking about herself to friends. A few of my closer friends didn't wanna start an argument so just stayed out of it. Eventually she told me she was hoping her new Boyfriend can come later and meet me as she's been telling him how much I mean to her as a friend... I finally snapped and told her I don't want her in my life anymore, I don't want to be friends and I want her to just leave me alone.
I ended up having to leave as she apologised and simply went back inside to sit with our friends. I don't know what to do. I feel like absolute dirt. I know my friends are all probably talking about me and I don't want to ask. A few friends heave reached out to let me know I'm there friend no matter what. I just want her to go away.
I don't have any other friends, pretty much everyone else I knew has moved away and this group which I've been in for years is all I know. I know some of them are my best friends and have my back but the others won't and shouldn't pick between the two of us but what am I supposed to do. I don't want to see her and the fact that she now gets to **** me over, have a new boyfriend, her own friends and my friends isn't fair.
All in all, drop all communication from her. It is best if you never see or talk to her again. I know it sounds rough or harsh, but that is the only way you can purge her from your heart and prepare it for someone better. It took me a while to realize that and actually do it. It sucks, its going to feel like your world is crashing, but now as I am happily married with the love of my life, I have completely erased the negativity from my ex. It can be done.. It will be along journey, but in the end, you will be sitting there married to a woman that actually wants to be with you, actually cares about you and cares for you.
Your close friendship with her became a lie when she started cheating on her ex and didn't confide in you. The reason was she knew it was wrong and it would upset you. It threatened your friendship and she valued your friendship, so she lied about who she was and decided to never tell you, knowing it would likely end your friendship with her.
When you have a close platonic friend, and that means someone you share everything with to each other, including each others private love life, it's a friendship you each benefit from, but it must be honest. If one is lying about themselves it's not an true close friendship. But you never think to ask the other have you cheated on your bf. You don't think to ask those questions.
But also you should have seen yellow flags re her honesty when you two had close talks. When you talk to a close friend you have to accept what they say is true, but as the man in the close friendship you have to be more vigilant and dig deeper in convo when you hear hesitance, or coverup. It's your job as the man to lead the friendship somewhat as if it was a romantic friendship.
Also, most men are not aware that most woman feel lying to men is perfectly ok, because lying is one of the few protection mechanisms women have to protect themselves around men. Women will easily lie to a man re personal interactions, and they feel they have the right to do so. After all men have scr*wd them in their past. Most men act needy and emotionally reactive around women and they have to protect themselves from this. However these lies are usually harmless lies to get out of dates, etc. She had deep lies she could not recover from that she knew would destroy your friendship. You where always honest, she was not, she knew that, and she had no way out, and that's why she suddenly left.
When you enter a close friendship with a woman over a long time frame, she requires trust and respect to do so. A man has to earn that and it can take years to earn her trust. A woman values a friendship she can open up and talk about her deepest feelings. HOWEVER, you are still the man in the platonic friendship. When you become a male girlfriend, she loses some respect for you as a male. She won't say that, it's in the back of her mind. Be careful next time. Women know that when a needy man falls for them they have the advantage and can play with them like cat & mouse. It's very irresistible to them when that happens. When you tell her she means everything to you, you are in that needy place in her mind. She may play along and say the same thing back. You must always be vigilant and check her true honesty and clear out all yellow flags. I'm sure there were yellow flags you ignored.
So I posted here about a month ago.
I know this is long again so I'll break it up again.
BACKSTORY
I've been dating a female friend for the past two years. We've been close friends for 10 years and always had each other's backs. While we've both been in relationships with other people over the years, we always got together and talked about everything gave advice. This is someone I thought I knew through and through and someone who always understood me no matter what. During the bad times and during bad break ups, she was always there for me to let me know she understood and let me know she knows how I feel. It was nice.
Well at the start of last year, having not seen each other for a while, we ended up confessing our feelings and got together not long after. It was great as I felt like I was dating my best friend. I felt loved and I gave her absolutely everything. The past year thing's started to get more serious and we were talking about moving in together next year. We're part of the same friend group or rather, she's friends with some people in the group and I made sure she felt welcome with everyone she didn't.
Well a couple of months ago, after withdrawing from me for a month, she suddenly dropped on me that she's met someone else and it's over between us. Not only that but she's decided to downplay the entire relationship, telling me and our friends that it was only a FWB situation, denying we were moving in together and just completely dropping me over night. I've been devastated about this since and haven't really known what to do but just carry on. I tried to get closure when it happened and ask her why exactly she's done what she's done but only got short responses about how sorry she is and patronisingly referring to me as her best friend.
I feel absolutely ridiculous because this entire time I've seen her as this innocent person who's afraid of her own shadow. I've gone out of my way to help her out and put her needs first because I thought she needed to be protected and that I could be the person she relies on no matter what.
I've been trying to build myself back up since then by throwing myself into work and going out with friends. I've had a few small offers from women but I'm simply not interested. Our friends don't really want to get involved, my closer friends are in shock and understand (to the point of uninviting her to stuff for my sake) while some others obviously believe her about the FWB bull****. Either way, I've just been carrying on with stuff and trying to forget about her.
THE SITUATION
A couple of weeks ago, she messaged me to ask how I am. I gave short replies until she expressed that she hopes we can go back to being close friends. I didn't really wanna be horrible as I'm not a horrible person in general so I said maybe in the future we can be close but right now let's just settle for being friends. We talked a bit and I let the conversation end. A few days later she messaged me again saying she wanted to talk. Turns out she wanted to talk about her relationship... as in both her relationships... as in her relationship with her long distance long term boyfriend...
So it turns out that on top of her cheating on me with this new guy, she's been cheating on another Boyfriend with me for two years. When we got together I knew that she had broken up with her three year boyfriend as they lived in different cities and she wasn't in love with him anymore. Well in reality, they were still together but on a break. When she got with me, she knew that they were only seeing each other once a month so planned accordingly and saw me for the rest of the month. This has been going on the entire time. The entire time that she would tell me how much she loves me and that her "Ex" cheated on her several times and all the time she would tell me she was terrified that I would leave her for someone prettier, she was still with someone else.
And it gets worse. She had decided, even though she instigated the two of us moving in together and planning two expensive holidays I already began to pay for, that our relationship wasn't working in the long run but she'll carry on seeing me. She told me she had decided in her head we were now FWB, ended our relationship and not tell me as she knew I would explode and not want to be "friends" with her anymore. Then she met someone new by chance and immediately began to shift herself onto him with the hopes I "wouldn't notice"... the real kicker here is that the relationship trouble she was messaging me about was that she's gonna have to leaver her long term now 4 year boyfriend as she doesn't want to cheat on him! I was speechless and obviously grilled her on this. The more I found out, the worse I felt. She said she simply sees me as a friend and stopped having feelings for me a long time ago and she's sorry, she really should've stopped sleeping with me but she was too into it at the time.
I basically told her where to stick it but I'm absolutely heartbroken. This person that I've not only been head over heels in love with the past two years but that I've respected and thought had my back for the past ten years is an absolute monster. I don't know who she is at all and frankly I hate her.
I've gone against my better judgement and tried to talk to a few friends about it but they've said they don't know what to say and just try to forget about it. She's messaged me since asking if we can please be friends. I don't even want to argue with her but I know I'm gonna have to see her as she's made it clear she's not leaving the friendship group.
On Christmas Eve, I was out with a few friends and I knew she'd be coming. She came and she couldn't care less about me. She just happily sat down next to me and began talking about herself to friends. A few of my closer friends didn't wanna start an argument so just stayed out of it. Eventually she told me she was hoping her new Boyfriend can come later and meet me as she's been telling him how much I mean to her as a friend... I finally snapped and told her I don't want her in my life anymore, I don't want to be friends and I want her to just leave me alone.
I ended up having to leave as she apologised and simply went back inside to sit with our friends. I don't know what to do. I feel like absolute dirt. I know my friends are all probably talking about me and I don't want to ask. A few friends heave reached out to let me know I'm there friend no matter what. I just want her to go away.
I don't have any other friends, pretty much everyone else I knew has moved away and this group which I've been in for years is all I know. I know some of them are my best friends and have my back but the others won't and shouldn't pick between the two of us but what am I supposed to do. I don't want to see her and the fact that she now gets to **** me over, have a new boyfriend, her own friends and my friends isn't fair.
That chick has mental PROBLEMS. It is not you. Be glad she dropped you rather than lead you on any longer. Good riddance.
Good. The hell with the rest of it. Blow her out to everyone. Air every bit of salacious laundry you have on her and torch her name with this circle of hyenas you're calling friends.
The real ones will ostracize her, the others weren't your friend anyway.
Eff that B.
Yes!
I know this hurts but do not keep her secrets. You are lucky to have friends to lean on. Many guys don't.
Sorry you are in this situation, it's awful. But it will pass.
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