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Yes and don’t have to be honest about my answers either especially if it’s private and between me and her. I am in a really good place right now, all thanks to God and the therapist. Married for almost 2 years. She was going behind my back during my marriage and complaining about me to my closest friends. I only found out after the divorce.
You managed to do ALL that within only two years. And here you are throwing out accusations about her every time someone mentions the stuff you're supposed to be held accountable for.
It really doesn't sound like you've learned that much. You're still here looking for validation, when you need to be taking full responsibility for your choices.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyrus1987
I’ve got my answers though, will go with my intuition
Oh I’ve regretted it and do feel for her but can’t feel that for my whole life. I am working with my therapist to work on myself and become a better person!
Good for your wife. She followed the advice of experts on infidelity and exposed your cheating, lies and mercenary, self-serving behaviour. The people who once trusted you, the married men you know, and any women you date in the future, deserve to know the truth, not the fake stories you tell them.
You lack boundaries and are dangerous to others and their relationships.
Shame on you for cancelling her spouse visa in revenge.
Learn how to be a better, more honest partner in the future and you may have a successful relationship one day.
Agreed op was de-closeted and outed as a cheater in one fell swoop. Be honest with people and let them judge you for who you are. You were given your just due.
First, I applaud you for trying to do the right thing, no matter how difficult that may be.
Now, you admit to cheating. You confessed this to your wife only after she found your journal. Unclear if this happened before or after the divorce.
Regardless, divorce typically makes friends choose sides. And as the "cheater", odds are they won't stick with you, even if you deny it.
Your best bet may be to come clean on everything. That you were unsure of what you wanted when you were younger, but that you loved your ex-wife and wanted to make a life with her. But as you became more aware of your true self, you realized that the arrangement wasn't going to work out. You never meant to hurt her, but this is the best path forward for you both.
Oh found the journal whilst we were married and she decided to stay after despite pushing me for a divorce. The journal never mentioned my cheating and I told her myself as I wanted to be honest and open and really try at the marriage. I’ve come clean to my best friend as in why I did the things I did but have not admired to cheating during the marriage as that’s not who I am and don’t feel he needs to know all the private details. I have learnt to be honest.
One of my best friends and his wife distanced themselves from me after she told them about me and he finally confronted me today after both of us felt awkward regarding our friendship. He asked me if I cheated on her during the marriage and I denied it.
If you're bi-sexual whoever you are involved with romantically has a right to know that.
It's very dishonest that your wife was not aware of this before you married her.
Again when your friend confronted you and asked if you cheated you lied.
Own who you are and what you did. Your life will be easier if you do this. Why lie? Relationships of any kind are built on honesty and trust and you seem to be struggling with being authentic and truthful.
Hey, you did it, so own it. All of it. Nothing wrong with being gay, but cheating on your wife with either sex is wrong. Stop lying and covering up.
She has the right to bad mouth you. You not only cheated on her while you were married, you were dishonest with her from the start. Why you kept those journals for her to find is a bit mind boggling. If you wanted her to know about your inclinations and confusion you should have just been honest up front before you were married.
You get no points by not bad mouthing her. If anything it makes it sound like she did you wrong but you are too much of a good guy to spill it, so you are actually not doing anything noble, quite possibly the reverse.
Cancelling the VISA is fine. If she is your ex, you shouldn't have any finances in common except what may be ordered by the court. Make a clean break.
And forget the therapist. Doesn't seem to have done you any good. The therapist is probably just telling you what you want to hear so you can feel better about yourself. You can feel better about yourself all by yourself by being honest with yourself and others. First you need to figure our what being honest even means. It's so simple but you still just don't get it or don't want to.
Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them in the future. That's the very best you can do going forward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cyrus1987
Hello,
HNY in advance!
Need guidance on a sensitive issue. Recently got divorced from my wife due to incompatibility issues and I was pushed to take a decision for both of us. Unfortunately I cheated on her with guys during the marriage (habitual issue stemming from my childhood on which I am workiong on with my therapist) - I came clean to her after she found my journal on which I spoke about me being potentially "gay" "bi" "confused" or "straight." They read my journal, took screenshots of it as well as my whatsapp conversaitons with random guys (very old before the marriage) and now has shared all this "evidence" with my and her family and some of my friends.
Disturbing and frustrating that she would share something personal like this with others and absolve herself of all responsibilty in the marriage. Despite all this I haven't bad-mouthed her or spread anything against her. One of my best friends and his wife distanced themselves from me after she told them about me and he finally confronted me today after both of us felt awkward regarding our friendship. He asked me if I cheated on her during the marriage and I denied it. I said why do you think I would've cheated and he said the texts and how she was saying everything implied this, and I really don't know whether she showed other evidence suggesting this. He did say he realised that whatever she said seemed one-sided which usually isn't hte case and what her shortcomings were. I refused to say anything about her reminding me that this isn't part of my values.
There's more to the above however I've been feeling slightly guilty for denying the cheating. Though I do think it's no one's business if I did/didn't? Also accepting it will mean the end of our friendship according to him. I've tried talking to my intution without any luck. What would the views be on this forum?
In the end he did apologise for distancing himself knowing it was a hard time for me and I must have felt alone. I thanked him for bringing it up and felt good when he said "I missed our friendship." I suggested he speak to his wife as I don't want to continuously defend myself and it's up to her if she wants to remain friends with me or not. Hurt that she would do such a thing and really scares me to be "honest" with my future partner. Yes I shouldn't have cheated and did apologise to her for it though she decided to stay after that which is her decision. It's amazing how she and her family are using this against me. Recently I sent her a text apologising and wishing her good luck for the future. I've been trying to do the right thing since the divorce though she has been pushing my buttons which led me to cancelling her spouse visa.
Thank you for reading/listening.
Last edited by bobspez; 12-31-2019 at 12:06 PM..
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