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OP has been living in a motel with barely any essentials before she met the guy. She was very lonely and had some odd relationships to losers and no idea how to go on.
Now she is married to an idiot. He pays for her bills. She has an apartment aka stability. She may not have to work low pay McDonalds jobs. If they get divorced she will get a chunk of money. She doesn't have to deal with someone else's family since I think he is ashamed introducing her - he seems to have a well paying job while she is working entry levels. I am guessing that may be the reason that he doesn't want to take her home to his parents.
I think she did it all right. He is the one losing here, not her. She should be the red flag for him, not the other way around.
I agree 100%.
With a quick Google, North Carolina divorce law is an equitable distribution state. The worst case is that the guy is a deadbeat and she gets saddled with his debt incurred since they got married when they divorce. Given her income potential, I doubt that would happen. No judge is going to make her responsible for a pile of consumer debt. The "chunk of money" only happens if they create wealth while they're married. Half his 401(k) contributions, half the home equity if they buy something, etc. Given what she's written about wanting children, I'd expect that to happen fairly quickly. If the marriage fails, the guy is going to get crushed in family court. Alimony. Child support.
So the worst case is this ends up being a short-term "practice marriage" with no chunk of money if they divorce. She's no worse off than she was 9 months ago. As an economic union, there's a ton of potential up side and very little down side unless the guy ends up being abusive. Given her bum magnet past with abusive relationships she's written about here, that would be my biggest concern. If the guy isn't abusive, there's such a big socioeconomic spread that it's in her interest to do what it takes to make it work.
He's not losing. He is back to giving her money to perform weird sex acts on the days he is not at the apartment with his girlfriend.
What makes you think she will get a chunk of money when they divorce? Are you assuming the marriage will last long enough to qualify for alimony?
Few women get alimony anymore.
And I agree with you - he rushed her into some sham marriage that may not even be a legal marriage if she's not giving us all the details about this courthouse wedding - to appease her while he keeps his other life. That's why they keep two places and don't see one another every day. And that's definitely why his family won't ever know about this *marriage*.
He has to tell them in person, yet he didn't do that on Thanksgiving and that's why she couldn't go with him on Christmas. No red flag there.
Belle, do NOT reach out to his family. You don't know what he'll do and you have to have time to plan your exit. Once he stops paying the bills - and he will - you're sunk unless you have a job. Start taking measures to extricate yourself so you're not left homeless.
I don’t think he’s using me?? But now everything is really confusing. I sent him a long text and he still hasn’t gotten back to me but he probably is busy.
I don’t know why he would be ashamed?! I’m in school and am a normal person so I don’t see how that makes sense. Like I’m not some jobless money hungry person lol I’m not a gold digger
The thing with the gf is complicated. She’s not there anymore but mostly bc she got really psycho with him. He has t had any communication with her and if she comes near him he’s going to call the police but still that’s why he wants us out of there in case she comes back and she has a right to since she’s on the lease but he doesn’t want me in danger.
Mmmhmm. Girlfriend who he once cheated on consistently with you (and likely others) is now "psycho."
Do you understand that while none of his behavior is normal, calling a woman "crazy" or "psycho" after a relationship that involved cheating and likely other shenanigans on his part is a classic deflecting behavior? He probably gaslit her during the entirety of their relationship just as he's likely to do with you over the course of your marriage. She might, indeed, be crazy, but it's my guess that he lied to her constantly and made her doubt her own mind in regards to their relationship. That is enough to tip many of us "over the edge" mentally.
Don't give this guy any more credit than he deserves, don't trust his excuses, and tread very carefully with him.
You deserve better treatment than that which you are receiving from your new husband.
P.S. It might have become lost in my earlier post, but I did ask if your husband is of another religion, culture and/or background that differs greatly from your own. Any of those three could logically explain why he's so resistant to introducing you to his family as his wife.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 01-02-2020 at 09:22 AM..
It really depends on state divorce law. In North Carolina with a 10 year marriage and kids, she'd get years of alimony in addition to the child support.
I don’t think he’s using me?? But now everything is really confusing. I sent him a long text and he still hasn’t gotten back to me but he probably is busy.
I don’t know why he would be ashamed?! I’m in school and am a normal person so I don’t see how that makes sense. Like I’m not some jobless money hungry person lol I’m not a gold digger
The thing with the gf is complicated. She’s not there anymore but mostly bc she got really psycho with him. He has t had any communication with her and if she comes near him he’s going to call the police but still that’s why he wants us out of there in case she comes back and she has a right to since she’s on the lease but he doesn’t want me in danger.
Your naivety is horrifying. It reminds me of the woman in the dirty John story.
It really depends on state divorce law. In North Carolina with a 10 year marriage and kids, she'd get years of alimony in addition to the child support.
Thanks, Geoff. I thought it was pretty standard across the board, but I see it's not.
Very strange that you would marry this guy unless you were totally desparate.
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